Random Update & Moving Decision

I am so far behind on updating this thing that I keep putting it off. Sorry!

My weight hasn't budged in several weeks, so I bought a Fitbit to help out. I love this thing! It motivates me to move more, and I find myself going up and down our stairs while waiting for the microwave, parking farther away, etc. Psychology = awesome. ;)

It syncs with MyFitnessPal so I know how much I can eat. It turns out I was eating WAY too much, which would account for why I haven't seen any scale movement since April. I was eating pretty close to maintenance. Whoops!

I've been eating a lot better lately, but school has reached the "crunch time" point, so I haven't been able to exercise much over the past two weeks. I know - excuses, excuses - but I've been averaging four hours of sleep per night with just work, school, and homework, so I really did not want to give up another hour of sleep for working out. I adjusted my diet instead, and that seems to be doing okay (I lost another couple pounds last week, but I'm still not back to my all-time low).

Once this semester is over (end of this week), I can start swimming again. I've been trying to walk more - because I love it, it adds steps to my Fitbit, and I can beat my friends - but my body is used to walking. I'm sure it still benefits me health-wise, but as for weight loss, it's not enough of a challenge. I need a hilly course, something like that. I started swimming because it's a huge challenge and works my entire body, but again - I simply haven't had time. Swimming takes a lot longer than walking because I have to go to the pool, change, swim, then shower, dry off, change, and come home. Instead of 45-60 minutes, it's more like 90-120 minutes.

-=-

I suppose the biggest news is that we've finally, FINALLY made a decision on where to move next year.

It turned out we knew it in our hearts all along. I was excited about moving to California, but I was also very scared. There were so many logistics. Plus, the SF Bay area is so spread out, and I really wasn't looking forward to driving an hour any time I wanted to do anything. Yes, they have public transit, but it's not nearly as extensive as Chicago. Plus, we can afford to live in the city of Chicago, whereas we would have had to live an hour away from the city of San Francisco.

I hadn't said anything to Brent because he seemed so geeked about getting a job in Silicon Valley. It really would be super easy. As I said, he got three job offers just by touring some places there. I'm sure I would have been happy, and I really was excited for a lot of reasons, but I knew I'd miss Chicago.

It turns out he felt the same way, but he didn't say anything because he thought I was super excited about moving there, and he didn't want to burst that bubble. I felt bad. I'm glad he said something because if we'd moved there and I'd found out about that once we were there, I would have been really sad. I'm so, so happy he spoke up, because as soon as he did, my gut said, "YES," along with my heart. I never ignore my intuition. I know this really is the right decision. :)

I wrote some pros and cons about both areas a little over a year ago, and now that I've been to SF and know the answers to a lot of my questions, Chicago is the clear winner. The job market is better than I thought it was, and we'll be able to afford an apartment in the neighborhoods we like instead of compromising like we'd have to in the Bay area. Also, Chicago is a walking city, which means more weight loss and easy maintenance.

I'm ready to move NOW. I can't believe I have to wait until next summer. Bah! At least that gives us time to keep checking out the job market and save money. My recent promotion will help with that, and I'm thinking about selling my car since I won't need it in the city. (We'll still have Brent's little truck if we want to get a bunch of groceries or whatever.) So, I'm just finishing my classes and whittling away the time until we can start interviewing and packing. :)

Couch to 5K

Since I read so many blogs from runners, it makes sense that I have the bug too. I haven't run since high school, when I ran a mile in gym class every Friday and got my time down to around 11:30 from 14:50. ;) I had NO idea what I was doing, and now that I have tons of information - almost too much information - I think I have a grasp of how to start, what to do, what not to do, and how to get better.

I have to take the first step, though.

I found an awesome app called JogFM (they also have a website). You can put in your desired running pace, and they'll give you hundreds of songs that fit that pace. For example, I chose a 12:00 mile to start, and they gave me over 200 songs at 130 bpm! I'm going to queue the songs up on my iPhone along with my Map My Walk app and my Couch to 5K app. (Reminder: charge my battery before I head out.)

The Couch to 5K app gives you verbal cues to walk and run, depending on the week and day you're on. Today is Week One Day One, so I start with a five-minute warm-up walk, and then I alternate 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes. That doesn't seem so bad. We'll see how I feel later. ;)

The Map My Walk app is to see how far I've actually walked/run. The songs are designed for a 12-minute mile, but they have no idea what kind of stride I'm using. I'm going to jog very slowly and carefully, as opposed to someone who might be running with more confidence (and less weight), not to mention someone with longer legs. The song is simply for pacing, to ensure I don't run too quickly or slowly. I'm interested to see my exact mile pace at the end.

In honor of my new endeavor, I purchased real running shoes:


These are Asics Gel-Fortes. I got them on sale for $85 on eBay. I LOVE THEM. They are so, so much better than the Brooks Ariels I had. I sold those on eBay because they were clunky, and the arch hurt my feet so badly I couldn't even walk a half-mile without limping and wincing. These have a slightly lower arch, with a lot of support right where I need it (on the inner part of the arch). They feel like they were molded to my foot. :)

Note: If you're going to try these, go a half-size up. I normally wear an 8.5 in athletic shoes, but I had to buy a size 9. The toebox fits perfectly, but the heel slides a little bit. I'm interested to see if they pull my socks down like the Brooks did. I tried them on during lunch, but I'm wearing flip-flops today and had to test them out barefoot. /crosses fingers for no sock pulling

Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to keep up with C25K after Friday because we're leaving for

ZOMG SAN FRANCISCO!!!

I can't believe it's here already. :) We're heading to Chicago after Brent gets out of work Friday night, and we're spending the night near the airport. We got a sweet deal on a room with a Park & Fly package. $75 for the room and parking, which is cheaper than parking at the airport. Score. I figure this will give us time to deal with a car breakdown or forgetting something or whatever, rather than rushing around and possible missing our flight on Saturday. Plus, we can sleep later on Saturday since we just have to take the shuttle to the airport instead of getting up early to drive to Chicago.

I thought about starting C25K after we get back, but I'm too impatient. I figure I can restart Week One when we get back. That, or I can do it there. Whenever I go to the west coast, I end up completely borked on sleep. I wake up at 6:00 AM and pass out around 10:00 PM because my body is still on Eastern time. So I've been planning, for a while, to get up, work out for a bit, eat some breakfast, and shower before Brent rolls out of bed. Even though he'll be on Eastern time too, his sleep schedule is way different from mine. I figure I'll have three hours before he wakes up, which is plenty of time to jog/walk/swim if I want to. Yay, vacation. :)

I cannot believe I just came up with a fitness plan for our vacation and that I'm actually excited about getting up early to exercise! If you'd told me I'd say this a year ago, I would have looked at you like you had lobsters crawling out of your ears. Hooray for healthy habits, weight loss, and synthetic hormones. ;) I'd say this is a pretty good NSV!

Weigh-in

Down a pound to 299 but still not back to my low of 297. I have to lose about a pound and a half to get back there.

Considering I was out of town for work all week, I'll take it. I ate like a pig a couple nights because I was stressed and never really know what to do when I'm alone and missing Brent and the kitties, but I was on my feet all day and used the fitness room at night, so that more than likely made up for it. I didn't increase my calories to make up for being on my feet all day (teachers burn more calories than someone with a desk job), and when I look back at my logs, I didn't eat nearly as much as I thought I had. Plus, it was a lot of fruit and meat, so yay me.

Now that I'm home, I'm back into the swing of things. Luckily, I have today off since I left for Indianapolis on Sunday. They let me take today off to make up for it instead of counting it as overtime. So, three-day weekend equals getting back into the groove, running errands, and hoping this weather improves so I can go for more walks. We're supposed to get a rain/snow mix tonight and freezing rain tomorrow. Yuck. I'd been meaning to incorporate my weight training videos into my routine, though, so I guess being stuck inside gives me a good excuse.

It was 80 and stormy in Indy all week, but it was 40 and rainy up here. The 40-degree difference was kind of strange, considering I was only three hours south, but that was a weird storm that brought all kinds of weather to the Midwest. Indy got a ton of golf ball-sized hail; luckily, our car wasn't hit. The worst part of the storm missed us. But it was weird seeing leaf buds on all of the trees and flowers springing up everywhere, and then I came home and everything is still "asleep". The crocuses are up, though, and the dots of blue/purple in our flower beds and lawn are pretty.

The kitties are so happy to have me home that I feel kind of guilty for running errands. I'm such a sucker for a furry face. :)

We are busy busy busy planning our trip to San Francisco. It's just under two months away, and we've been discussing activities/schedules with our friends out there. M is taking the whole week off so he can hang out with us, but his girlfriend, L, has classes Mon - Thurs. Her schedule is completely insane; she has 21 credit hours. So we're trying to plan stuff that she doesn't really care about during her class periods and saving stuff she loves, like the Winchester House, for Sunday.

They live south of the city, closer to Santa Cruz, so we're going to do a bunch of stuff in San Jose and head to the beach and so on. I know the boys really want to see the Computer History Museum. She's going to take Thursday off, though, so we can head up Wednesday night and spend Thursday and Friday in the city before leaving on Saturday. The "city" plans include Monterey Bay Aquarium, Alcatraz, visiting the Haight & Ashbury area, and heading to Napa to drink wine.

I keep finding all of these different things I want to see and do, and I just have to remember that whatever we don't see/do while there, we can always see/do once we live there. :)

Junk in the Trunk Airlines

Ever since flying to Albuquerque to meet Brent for the first time, I've been pretty terrified of flying.

Don't get me wrong; I LOVE flying. I'm terrified because that last trip left me a little gun-shy.

Shortly before I left, Kevin Smith flipped out on Southwest because of their "Customers of Size" policy. This opened everyone's eyes to a policy that, until then, had been fairly mum. Suddenly, other airlines were scrutinized, and lots and lots of forum posters added their own opinions.

Before this, I had never thought it would be an issue. Before that trip to Albuquerque, the last time I'd flown was 2007, when I weighed around 275 pounds. I flew on WestJet, a Canadian airline, from London, ON to Victoria, BC. The seats on those jets are 18", and I didn't feel squeezed-in. The seats were tight, but not uncomfortable, and I didn't feel like I was inching toward my seatmate.

When I reserved my tickets for Albuquerque, however, I started to panic after that news hit the internet. It was one week before my trip, so I had no time to lose weight. I weighed 310 pounds at the doctor's office that week. I was flying on a commuter jet through American Airlines, and I knew the seats were 17". I could barely sleep with all those horrible posts from the forums in my head. Would the seats be okay? I didn't have any seats to measure and compare.

Sure enough, when I boarded my flight, I sat down, and I could barely put the armrest down. I tried to buckle the seat belt, and it was a mere half-inch away from buckling. The guy next to me gave me a disgusted look through the entire process, and I tried really hard to hold back tears. He kept shifting in his seat, making it obvious he didn't want a single fraction of an inch of my thigh touching him. (It was about a half-inch into his seat.) I twisted my hips so I wouldn't touch him and vowed to fly that way for 3.5 hours, uncomfortable as it was. There was no way I could afford a second seat.

Shortly thereafter, the flight attendants came on, gave their spiel, and told everyone to make sure they were in their assigned seat. The guy looked at his ticket, said, "Oh, I'm in the wrong seat," and moved to the row ahead of me. This meant I had two seats to myself (yay!) and didn't have to feel embarrassed. The guy sitting in front of me reeked of body odor, and it kind of amused me that he'd rather sit next to someone who stank instead of a fat girl who was barely in his space. My upper body is very small, and it peeves me off that airlines charge if your lower body encroaches on the other person, but having a large upper body is okay (even though I've had to lean over on some flights to make room for a football player's shoulders).

Anyway, I asked the FA for a seat belt extender and tried not to cry. I knew I was big, but I didn't think I was THAT big, and having to ask for an extender when I was only a half-inch away from buckling it made me feel even worse.

I was miserable all the way to Albuquerque and worried about my flight home all week.

Luckily, the flight home was much better. I ended up next to a guy who was really chatty and liked to talk about traveling. After we put the arm rests down, I said, "I'm sorry if I'm touching you. I haven't flown in a while and didn't know I'd be too big." He sort of waved me off and said, "Hon, NOBODY is comfortable in these tiny seats. Don't worry about it." That made me feel so much better! :) Then I asked the FA for an extender, and he gave me a dirty look. I started to hold back tears again, and the guy next to me said, "Just ignore him. He looks like he's angry at the world. I doubt it's you." Awww. :)

It still sucked, though, because we were both fidgeting to get more comfortable, and I had to keep my legs pressed together as tightly as possible all the way home, which really hurts after a while. He got up a couple of times, and it felt so good to relax and stretch a bit before he came back, but I was miserable before we were even halfway to Chicago.

Since then, I haven't flown. I am perfectly okay with buying two seats since it means I'll be more comfortable and I won't have to worry about touching a stranger (not only do they not like it, but I don't like it either). I have no issue with the policy at all. I simply couldn't afford to buy two tickets when I wanted to visit Brent, so I took Amtrak. Brent is terrified of flying, so he started using Amtrak too, and we've been using it for every trip to Albuquerque since then.

Enter our trip to San Francisco this June. I started to plan it on Amtrak and realized 1) it was almost sold-out, 2) we'd require an extra five vacation days for travel time alone, and 3) the price was insane since the rooms were almost sold-out (there is no way in hell I'm going to sleep in a reclined seat near babies and kids for 2.5 days each way). We started discussing it, and he mentioned he'd be willing to face his fear of flying if I could find a decent price.

My stomach started gnawing at me because I'm only ten pounds lighter than I was the last time I flew. He pointed out that I could be close to 275 by the time we leave; plus, I'd be sitting next to him, and he doesn't care if my thigh is touching his. He said if I could get the arm rest down at 310, that means I can definitely have it down and comfortable by June. All good points.

So, I started looking at flights from Chicago since getting him onto one flight per day will be much less stressful than having to get him on two planes in one day. ;) The cheapest flight was through Virgin Airlines, which I had never heard of until now. I was really impressed with their design, branding, in-flight amenities, and the overall "feel" of the airline.



The best part? A quick check on SeatGuru showed that their coach seats are 19.7" wide.

19.7"



On most airlines, that's business class or even first class. I couldn't believe it. I double-triple-checked that on every site imaginable, and even Virgin's website confirmed it. Somebody at Virgin sympathizes with women who have wide hips (or at least acknowledges that even skinny people feel crammed in like sardines). Hooray for Virgin! I've nicknamed them "Junk in the Trunk Airlines".

Anyway, I measured the chair in my office at home, and it was 20" between the armrests, which are low like the ones on an airplane. I fit just fine, even in sweats, which don't have a corset effect on my thighs like jeans do.

Since it was a little big, I brought the tape measure to work, where I measured the seat on my office chair. It is 19.7" EXACTLY. I sit in this chair every day, and it is perfectly comfortable. I don't even have to squeeze my legs together.

I did a little dance of joy because now I don't have to worry about our flight at all. Even if I don't lose any weight between now and June 8, I'll still be able to fly without worrying about judgement. I'll also have Brent with me, which means no worrying about some stranger giving me a nasty look, even if I'm not encroaching on their space. I'll probably get a window seat, and Brent will be in the middle seat since he's skinny. ;) Plus, with his fear, he has absolutely no interest in looking out the window.

I do have it as a mini-goal to fly on a plane with 17" seats and be reasonably comfortable. (I say "reasonably" because nobody over 4'8" is truly comfortable in airplane seats.) At some point, I'm going to have to take a test flight somewhere. I'm hoping I can talk Brent into flying to Albuquerque for Christmas, so that may be my test flight. Virgin doesn't have flights to Albuquerque. There are direct flights on Southwest, however, so we'll probably use them. I shouldn't need two seats by then, but I'm going to purchase one anyway since they've relaxed their policy and will refund the second seat once your flight is complete regardless if the flight is full or not. I think that's very nice of them, and it makes me happy since they're one of the cheapest, best airlines out there. Hopefully, I'll board and find out the second seat wasn't really necessary, and having the third seat will just be a bonus. I've been on flights where the middle seat isn't taken, and it's so nice to put that arm rest up and share the space with the other traveler.

Big Changes

I've been at 298.4 the past two days. I'm pleased. If I can stay here and not screw around like I did last week, my daily fluctuations should keep me under 300 from now on. I'll be happy if I can stay at 298 or even see 297 at Friday's weigh-in.

So, onto the big changes/decisions.

I've re-enrolled at WMU to finish the last six classes for my BA. I was unable to finish it in 2005 because I got laid-off and had to move to take a new job before my last semester. I haven't had the money to go back since then. Now, finally, I can finish. I'm so relieved and happy. This will open up SO many job opportunities; plus, I can apply to grad school (library science). I may wait a year or two for grad school, though, depending how things go in...



San Francisco!

Brent and I are 99% sure we're going to move there next summer. We were going to go this summer, but I really, really need to finish school. I didn't want to leave with so few classes left because transferring would put me way behind (I'd lose a ton of credits), and I'd have to pay out-of-state tuition, which is unbelievably expensive. No thanks. It just makes more sense to stay here another year, finish school, and save up for moving. There's a strong possibility I won't be able to find a job before we move, so I'll need a cushion in my savings account. Hopefully, I can fly out for some interviews, but I'm planning for the worst case scenario. Luckily, San Francisco's unemployment rate is super-low compared to most other areas of the U.S.

I say "99% sure" because Chicago is still on the table, mostly because we both like it and Brent is a huge Cubs/Bears fan. On the other hand, I am sick to death of the Midwest climate of bitter cold and sticky humidity, and I really want to live somewhere completely new and different. Also, Brent and I have a much, much better chance of finding jobs in our degree field in the San Francisco Bay area. Chicago's unemployment rate is higher than I'm comfortable with. So, as far as I'm concerned, we're moving to San Francisco, and I haven't heard any arguments against it so far (other than "earthquakes", but then I counter with "tornadoes"). Still, Chicago's on there because Brent likes to have options.

I'm pretty sure he'll pick San Francisco, especially after our trip there in June. I've never been there before, so I'm really excited to see the area. Plus, his best friend lives there, and he really misses him, so that's another push for San Francisco.

Regardless, we're moving somewhere next summer. Brent and I are completely fed up with our jobs, and we hate Kalamazoo. I didn't even want to move here in the first place; I ended up here thanks to an ex whining and pleading for me to move, only to break up with me the second I quit my job and started packing. I've been stuck here for five, horrible years, eager for the day I can finally leave and never, ever, EVER come back. Brent likes to point out that, were it not for that ex, we wouldn't have met, and we wouldn't be where we are financially, but I still snarl internally because I refuse to give that cheating alcoholic any credit for my present condition and happiness.

Anyway.

I am unbelievably excited to get a fresh start, with the man I love, in a city I love, at a job I (hopefully) like/love. I'll feel much better about myself with a degree on my resume, not to mention I'll be approximately 100 pounds lighter when we move, making me less nervous about job interviews.

As for the trip in June, I'll talk about that in another post. This one is long enough already. ;)

Quick Update

Thanks to getting myself under control, I've lost five pounds of that awful water gain, and it's only taken me four days! Hopefully, I can drop the other four pounds and break even on Wednesday's weigh-in. I'd be happy to lose even more, though. ;)

We have some pretty fun vacations coming up. I'll probably write more about them later, but right now, I don't have the energy. I'm mostly excited because there's a good chance I'll be under 300 pounds for the first one and 260-270 for the second one. (I don't know why I always make these predictions. My body is fickle, so these predictions never come true, but they are fun to think about.)

Anyway, in March, we're going to Chicago to see KMFDM at the House of Blues. We're going to be much more chill during this trip so we aren't dead on our feet by the time the concert starts. Our only plan for Saturday is a trip to a small museum, dinner, and relaxing in the room. Brent will probably play computer games and watch movies while I go swimming. :)

In July, and I'm completely squee-ing over this, we're taking the California Zephyr to San Francisco to visit our friends, Mikey and Liz. They live SW of the city, in Boulder Creek, so we need to figure out how to split our time throughout the area. We definitely want to see some museums, Alcatraz, the Cubs/Giants game, Napa, and the redwoods. We'll probably stay in the city for a few days and then close to their place for a couple days. Mikey told me they can likely get a few days off as long as he isn't on-call that week, and they'll stay in the city with us. The train ride is 52 hours (over the course of three days), and it's the most scenic of all the routes. I am beyond excited. Seriously.

Courtesy of railpassengerusa.com
This will also be somewhat of a "could we live here?" trip. Albuquerque is our #1 decision because of family and friends (and Brent misses the food), but personally, I would love to live near the ocean, and there's a lot more to do in SF, not to mention a huge variety of jobs, especially in Brent's field (software programmer). So we'll see how this goes.

Chicago vs. San Francisco

After a decent night of sleep and brunch with two great friends (Beth and Tony), my head feels more clear. Oh, sure, I still hate my job, and I'm dying to get out of this rut, but I don't feel a need to ugly cry.

That may change when I set my alarm for work tomorrow, but it's a little easier knowing the end is a year away. Brent all but promised we would move next year, and even though I don't want to give up our amazing new apartment (that we haven't even moved into yet - ha!), we would be moving to one of two amazing cities.

Unfortunately, I'm having trouble deciding between the two. Obviously, after living there for a summer and visiting a zillion times, Chicago is more familiar and feels like home. To be fair, though, I've never been to San Francisco, and who's to say I wouldn't fall in love at first sight like I did with Chicago?

So, I decided to compile a list of pros and cons. I did a lot of research on San Francisco today: web articles, Craigslist ads, blogs, Google images, and their transit websites for MUNI and BART.

Chicago:



Pros:

- Familiarity. I can ride the CTA blindfolded. I know which neighborhoods are decent/affordable. Point for Chicago.
- Restaurants, theatres, concerts. No difference there.
- Lake Michigan. I love being on the water. Again, no difference.
- Various ethnic neighborhoods. Unsure if SF has comparable areas like Little Ukraine, Little Italy, Greektown. SF does have a Chinatown.
- Cubs/Wrigley. Point for Chicago.
- The CTA is expansive. We wouldn't need a car as long as we live within the system. Unsure if SF's system is as expansive.
- Reasonably close to my family. Five hours on Amtrak to Ann Arbor/Livonia, and a six-hour drive to Gaylord. Point for Chicago.
- Snow for Christmas. Point for Chicago.
- Moving there involves a moving van. Point for Chicago.

Cons:

- WINTER. Winter is brutal in Chicago. Point for San Francisco.
- Lack of hiking/nature areas, despite being a pedestrian city. Point for San Francisco.
- The job market. Brent might be able to find something. I might be able to find something. Unsure if those "somethings" will pay enough for a two-bedroom apt.


San Francisco:



Pros:

- Restaurants, theatres, concerts. No difference.
- Pacific Ocean. MORE water. And sharks! :)
- BART/MUNI public transit. Unsure if it services every area, but it's better than nothing. (I'm looking at you, L.A. Your transit system sucks.)
- WEATHER. The climate in San Francisco is absolutely perfect. Foggy and not too hot, not too cold. No ice storms. No 90% humidity. Just spring/fall weather year-round.
- Nature, hiking, the whole nine yards. Close to Napa. A weekend drive for the redwood forest.
- The job market. Brent can get a job at the snap of his soft, non-calloused, computer programmer fingers. I can probably find something. Even though the cost of living is a bit higher than Chicago, his salary would be enough to make up for it.

Cons:

- The cost of living. Dear god. Even though we'd be making enough, it's hard to stomach paying that much for an apartment.
- I have NO IDEA where I'm going, but that's what maps are for. Still. Eek!
- We might still need two cars, despite BART/MUNI. If Brent works in Silicon Valley, he'll have to commute since we can't afford to live there.
- Giants, Sharks, '49-ers, and a bunch of other teams I don't care about. I could learn, though.
- Moving there involves selling most of our stuff and shipping the rest in boxes, unless we feel like driving a moving van across the country (no).
- No snow for Christmas. I know this sounds silly since I hate winter, but I do like having snow for the holidays. Of course, it might not matter since we spend every Christmas in either Gaylord (metric fuckton of snow) or Albuquerque (dusting of snow).


Given that I keep justifying my cons for San Francisco, we may have a winner. While it's scary to move to an area I'm unfamiliar with, we do know people there, so we wouldn't be completely lost. We could take a trip on the California Zephyr, something we've been meaning to do for a long time, and visit our friends and get a nice tour of the area.

The weather and the job market, along with the scenery, are a big push for San Francisco. I'm completely jazzed about being on the ocean (or at least close to it) and not having to deal with winter. Wearing a hoodie year-round? Yes, please.

However, if we ultimately decide to live in Chicago, that's fine too. Sure, the weather sucks, but I love that city so much. It might be tricky to find a job, but the cost of living is much lower (especially since we won't need a car), so we'd be okay.

Since I have the evening all to myself, I'm going to look up old episodes of "House Hunters" on Hulu since I know they've done a bunch in the San Francisco Bay area. That might help me place things, learn about the culture of each neighborhood, and put everything in better perspective. I'll call it research. ;)

-=-

On a somewhat un-related note, I'm feeling pretty happy today. I've already dropped three of the six pounds of weight I gained last week, and I might have the other three pounds gone by my weigh-in Friday morning. I've been spot-on with my calories all week. Even if I don't get back down to 339.8 again, though, at least I know I didn't totally biff up. ;) I should be back at that point within a week. If anything, I've learned a valuable lesson about which foods create havoc with water retention and general blargh-ness.

Ugly Crying

I full-on ugly cried after work today. That heavy, sobbing, little kid type of crying. I haven't done that in months, but today was just a perfect storm of everything that makes me hate my job. I've been "stuck" there for four years, always hoping it will get better. As soon as I start to think, "Okay, maybe I can deal with this for another year, just until my student loan is paid off," things start to go to hell again and I hate my life for another week, six months, year.

The first call of the day had me in tears. Then I had another crazy call that made me 45 minutes late for lunch, which is a "deviation" (what should I do - hang up on them?) Then there were all kinds of various issues that all piled up, and I sat there wondering, "Why am I doing this? I'm so much better than this. This is not my life."

Unfortunately, my expenses demand I keep this job. Until I have the rest of my loans paid off (Sept 2013), I cannot dip below my income. I've looked every week, but nothing in this area that I qualify for matches my income level. I started looking in Chicago, like I always do, and found approximately 18 jobs in my field of study that all pay equal or more than what I'm making at this horrible mental torture chamber that has nothing to do with my degree.

The second I got home, I laid on my bed. Brent found me there, came over to rub my hip, and that's when the floodgates opened. The whole time I sobbed, he crawled up behind me and cuddled me, something we hardly ever do (separate beds, video game addiction, etc). I kept sobbing, and he said, "We should think about moving to San Francisco. I'll take you right now. Instead of moving into our new place, we'll move there."



Say what?

It distracted me so much that I kind of sat up, sniffled, and kept doing those hitching sobs... but calmer.

"I thought you wanted to move to Chicago," I said. *sniff sniff*

"Yeah, but San Francisco would be cool too. The ocean, sharks for you to play with, Mikey and Liz [his best friend and his fiancee], good computer jobs for me, pretty trees, Napa is close-by, you'd love the fog, better weather, hippies, beaches... you'd love it."

"Well, yeah, definitely. I'd love to live there, but you never mentioned it before today. It was always Chicago, Chicago, Chicago. I thought you didn't want to move to San Francisco. You said Mikey kept trying to get you a job there, but you refused to move."

"I refused to move anywhere. It wasn't just San Francisco. In fact, remember... I was packed up and ready to move there, but then I chickened out at the last minute. That was right before I met you. Remember that story?"

I remembered. Then I realized something.

"Oh, it wasn't the city, it was moving in general. You didn't want to move here either. I had to fight you for months." (Brent was nodding at this point.)

"Right," he said. "But then I did move. So it's kind of like I swung into Michigan, picked you up, and then we headed out there."

The way he said it made me giggle, and thinking about a big change like that made me feel better. Like a light at the end of the tunnel. Brent continued, "We're moving into a new place in a couple weeks, so we know we're here for another year, right? That gives us a year to plan, so don't worry about it right now."

Well of course I'm going to worry about it. I brought up the point that he would need to interview for jobs, since it would be easier to live on his salary and our savings for a bit than it would be for us to live on any job I could find out there. He scoffed and said he has enough in savings for us to live on for six months as it is, so he can start looking next spring and see about getting us out there ASAP, even if I don't have a job lined up.

Then I got worried about the cost of living. Everything I've ever seen is pricey as hell. He said, "Yeah, in Silicon Valley, or on the peninsula. But places like Berkeley, Oakland, around the bay... the rent is comparable to Chicago, sometimes a little cheaper."

Okay, fair enough, but I was still sort of confused. And a bit hopeful, but nervous. Sometimes he talks about things to cheer me up, but then they're way far in the future, and my excitement is replaced with feeling stuck all over again. But it still made me feel better.

I still feel emotionally drained, though, and he's going to the Cubs game at Wrigley with some guys from work tomorrow. I've been DYING to have an evening to myself since he moved in a year ago, but he never goes out, ever. Since tomorrow is my day off, you'd think I'd be ecstatic about him being gone all day and night.

Nope.

For some reason, this ugly crying day and pitfall of emotions has brought out the clingy in me. I haven't whined or said a word, because I know how excited he is, but I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him to stay home and hold me. It's so bizarre. I haven't been like this since he left to go back to Albuquerque the last time before he moved here. I really hope I get a good night's sleep tonight because sometimes my depression is kick-started by not sleeping well.

I'm meeting my best friend for lunch at 11:30, so at least I'll be occupied and happy right after he leaves for work tomorrow.

Part of me wonders if this is due to a crazy dream I had Saturday night. Brent's mom sent me a letter and map showing me where a tornado had touched down while Brent was visiting his family. Brent died from his injuries. I was stunned, and I kept thinking, "This isn't real. I should have been there. This doesn't make sense." I kept waiting to wake up. It was so surreal. Then I did finally wake up, and I was SO relieved to see familiar surroundings and hear him snoring in the bedroom (I sleep in the living room since we only have one bedroom and his snoring/thrashing keeps me up all night). As soon as he got out of bed, I hugged him.

So maybe part of me is worried something will happen on the way to/from the game tomorrow. I know most people worry about their loved ones when they travel, but this feels abnormal. I need to chill the eff out and enjoy my 14 hours of quiet solitude tomorrow. I've been waiting all this time to have an entire day/night to myself, and I don't want to waste it being a big baby. I want to have fruity drinks with my friend and then watch bad television while packing boxes and eating whatever dinner I want.

I hope I feel that way tomorrow. Right now, I still feel like ugly crying. I just want to sob myself to sleep.