Weigh-in

Image courtesy of Ampersand Seven
I have returned!

After a few months of going up, down, up, down, up, up, up, I've finally kicked my own ass and put it into high-gear. No more screwing around. No more denying how many carbs are in things. No more laziness. No more whatever it is I've been doing wrong for the past several months.

I kept getting back up to 307, and then I'd manage to get down to 302, hang out there for a couple weeks, and then right back up. Ugh.

I finally kicked that cycle, got myself back down to 302, then 301, then 300, and then whoosh - here I am at 297 this morning, right back where I was before our trip to San Francisco, right where I should be.

Now that I'm focused, disciplined, worshipping my Fitbit, working out more, and keeping my carbs to a very strict 40-80 every day, I plan to see that number go down instead of back up over 300 again. It is way too easy for me to gain a couple of pounds just from one bowl of cereal, so I really, really need to stay focused on low-carb, low/zero-sugar eating. I'm not messing around anymore. I don't want to be pre-diabetic. Having insulin resistance is irritating and a pain in the ass as it is. I hate giving up my yummy protein cereal, but I've developed a new love for the breakfast sandwiches I've been making in the morning. It's a low-carb flatbread with egg white, ham, spinach, and cheese. Yummmmmy! And it fills me up for 2-3 hours, right about the time I have my morning snack. :)

Anyway, the lowest I've been (and it was for, like, two days) is 296, so I'm not going to full-on celebrate until I drop two more pounds, but STILL. I'm very optimistic. I lost four pounds during the past 7-8 days, and that's very good a sign that I'm doing exactly what I need to. Yay, me.

I've neglected this blog for a long time because I was so depressed about the up/down, not to mention very busy with school and trips and my promotion at work and so on. I'll get some new pictures up and maybe summarize some of our recent trips at some point. I also have some recipes to post. :)

Couch to 5K

Since I read so many blogs from runners, it makes sense that I have the bug too. I haven't run since high school, when I ran a mile in gym class every Friday and got my time down to around 11:30 from 14:50. ;) I had NO idea what I was doing, and now that I have tons of information - almost too much information - I think I have a grasp of how to start, what to do, what not to do, and how to get better.

I have to take the first step, though.

I found an awesome app called JogFM (they also have a website). You can put in your desired running pace, and they'll give you hundreds of songs that fit that pace. For example, I chose a 12:00 mile to start, and they gave me over 200 songs at 130 bpm! I'm going to queue the songs up on my iPhone along with my Map My Walk app and my Couch to 5K app. (Reminder: charge my battery before I head out.)

The Couch to 5K app gives you verbal cues to walk and run, depending on the week and day you're on. Today is Week One Day One, so I start with a five-minute warm-up walk, and then I alternate 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes. That doesn't seem so bad. We'll see how I feel later. ;)

The Map My Walk app is to see how far I've actually walked/run. The songs are designed for a 12-minute mile, but they have no idea what kind of stride I'm using. I'm going to jog very slowly and carefully, as opposed to someone who might be running with more confidence (and less weight), not to mention someone with longer legs. The song is simply for pacing, to ensure I don't run too quickly or slowly. I'm interested to see my exact mile pace at the end.

In honor of my new endeavor, I purchased real running shoes:


These are Asics Gel-Fortes. I got them on sale for $85 on eBay. I LOVE THEM. They are so, so much better than the Brooks Ariels I had. I sold those on eBay because they were clunky, and the arch hurt my feet so badly I couldn't even walk a half-mile without limping and wincing. These have a slightly lower arch, with a lot of support right where I need it (on the inner part of the arch). They feel like they were molded to my foot. :)

Note: If you're going to try these, go a half-size up. I normally wear an 8.5 in athletic shoes, but I had to buy a size 9. The toebox fits perfectly, but the heel slides a little bit. I'm interested to see if they pull my socks down like the Brooks did. I tried them on during lunch, but I'm wearing flip-flops today and had to test them out barefoot. /crosses fingers for no sock pulling

Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to keep up with C25K after Friday because we're leaving for

ZOMG SAN FRANCISCO!!!

I can't believe it's here already. :) We're heading to Chicago after Brent gets out of work Friday night, and we're spending the night near the airport. We got a sweet deal on a room with a Park & Fly package. $75 for the room and parking, which is cheaper than parking at the airport. Score. I figure this will give us time to deal with a car breakdown or forgetting something or whatever, rather than rushing around and possible missing our flight on Saturday. Plus, we can sleep later on Saturday since we just have to take the shuttle to the airport instead of getting up early to drive to Chicago.

I thought about starting C25K after we get back, but I'm too impatient. I figure I can restart Week One when we get back. That, or I can do it there. Whenever I go to the west coast, I end up completely borked on sleep. I wake up at 6:00 AM and pass out around 10:00 PM because my body is still on Eastern time. So I've been planning, for a while, to get up, work out for a bit, eat some breakfast, and shower before Brent rolls out of bed. Even though he'll be on Eastern time too, his sleep schedule is way different from mine. I figure I'll have three hours before he wakes up, which is plenty of time to jog/walk/swim if I want to. Yay, vacation. :)

I cannot believe I just came up with a fitness plan for our vacation and that I'm actually excited about getting up early to exercise! If you'd told me I'd say this a year ago, I would have looked at you like you had lobsters crawling out of your ears. Hooray for healthy habits, weight loss, and synthetic hormones. ;) I'd say this is a pretty good NSV!

Ha!

As I was modeling some new clothes in the mirror the other day, proud of my progress and finally excited about shopping for new clothes, I remembered this blog post.

When I read it, I was amused that I'd written it exactly one year beforehand.

Now, I didn't hit my goal of 265 by Thanksgiving, like it mentions, but that's okay. That's before I started struggling, only to find out I have insulin resistance and had to change my entire lifestyle. It also causes very, very, very slow weight loss. So, while I didn't make that goal, it's not a big deal. "Normal" people can lose 8-10 pounds per month, but I am not normal and lose approximately 3-6 pounds per month, sometimes 1-2.

But that doesn't matter.

What IS a big deal and what REALLY matters is that I don't feel like I did during that blog entry!

In that blog entry, I was really upset that I had to lose another 50 pounds to still feel horrible, and that made me very sad. I mentioned that I'd still feel and look disgustingly fat at 290, so those 50 pounds wouldn't even matter.

This is not true! I think I look nice, maybe even borderline cute some days, and that's because I dress to fit my body. I still have to cover my upper arms because they look like the Michelin Man, but I play up my waist-to-hip ratio (which is just nuts) and wear lots of fun jewelry with colors and clothes that complement me.

The reason I looked so "disgustingly fat" at 290 was because that was my heaviest at the time, and I was severely depressed. I wore a lot of black, shapeless clothes and didn't wear makeup or jewelry. In the two pictures where I made an effort, I looked much better, even though I was the same weight.

Now that I'm happy about my weight loss and dress accordingly, I look much thinner at 295 now than I did when I weighed 295 then. Much, much thinner.



Another reason I was happy to remember and read that post is that it proves that you cannot give up and cannot give in. A year will go by SO quickly, and hey - there's 60-100 pounds gone, just like that! If I had given up when I'd written that blog post, I'd still be 340-ish pounds, maybe even more. I'd still be huge. I'd still be depressed. I couldn't have done a lot of the things I've done during the past year.

Instead, I weigh 295 pounds, and I'm extremely proud of myself. :) I can do more and do it for longer periods of time. Thanks to buckling down during "Ass-Kicking April", I feel strong and awesome, even though I'm still morbidly obese. I look forward to exercising and use it to deal with stress instead of turning to food.

When I watch TV at night, I get bored because I'm not eating and don't know what to do with my hands, so I haven't watched as much TV. I've been shopping around for an elliptical so I can exercise while catching up with the DVR. I would have told you you were on crack if you'd told me I'd say this a year ago.

Also, I hate sitting still! I never thought I'd say that. I couldn't even get out of my recliner without severe pain when I wrote that blog post, and now I can walk three miles at a 3.5 mph pace without losing my breath or feeling tired. As soon as I can get that up to 4 mph, I'm going to start "Couch to 5K".

Please don't give up. Don't let your brain win this fight. Keep going, keep going, keep going. You will have bad days. You will have bad weeks. Do. Not. Give. Up. It doesn't matter how long it takes to come off, as long as it comes off. Every pound, every inch, every binge-free day, every minute of exercise - those are victories. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and if your brain tries to whisper those thoughts late at night, tell it to STFU.

Watery Weigh-in

Oh. My. Word.

Well, I'm not 302 anymore, but I'm still up this morning. 300.2, to be exact.

As I said in my last entry, this isn't surprising, but it's definitely irritating. My boots were suuuuuuper tight when I zipped them up this morning, and my belly is poofy like when I bloat during PMS, so I need to keep drowning myself in water and green tea and pray I get back to 297 at some point. Seeing that "3" on the scale again is so annoying, especially since I thought I'd be close to 290 by now.

Oh well. It's not like I could help being sick, but I should know better than to eat Chinese food the night before weigh-in. :-P

On the other hand, whenever I post weigh-ins, the "suggested posts" at the bottom of my entry tend to show previous weigh-ins. Even if I'm a little depressed about the current one, it always makes me feel better to see the little number icons that say "312" or "335" at the bottom. Instead of feeling sort of down, I perk up right away because I think, "At least I'm not there anymore." It also shows me how far I've come. :)

-=-

Thank you for all of your good health wishes. I do feel much better now, so I'm glad I rode it out instead of paying to see the doctor. It cleared up yesterday, and I feel 100% back to normal today.

I totally had a dance party in my room last night. Brent went to see the new Evil Dead movie, so I turned on my blue light bulb and cranked up the dance music. Brent is hardly ever gone in the evening, like almost never, so I always get pretty excited when he leaves and I can act like a crack monkey. I danced around for about an hour, so I'm counting that as my workout.

I'm working the 7:00 shift today. I wanted to kill someone when my alarm went off at 5:30, but this is actually pretty nice (now that I'm caffeinated). I like being here before 95% of the office arrives, and it will be awesome to leave at 3:30 when the others are still stuck here. ;)

Oh, Hell

I couldn't figure out why my scale has been up a few pounds all week. It's been hovering between 300 and 302. Unacceptable.

Since I've been sick all week, I did a little research. Apparently, infections can cause water retention, as your body uses the water to help white blood cells move to the area faster. Additionally, NSAIDs (like ibuprofen) also cause water retention. I won't get into the explanation for that because it's a lot of scientific gobbledy-gook that people probably don't care about.

Regardless, I have been battling a sinus infection since Saturday, and I've been taking NyQuil, Advil Congestion, and Mucinex Sinus in varying doses (sometimes combined) since then. All three of those have NSAIDs in them. Oh, and let's not forget all that extra mucous. I'm sure it only accounted for, like, 1/16 of a pound, but it felt like eight pounds. ;)

Given the cocktail of medicine + infection, I'm surprised I didn't gain MORE weight this week.

Anyway, I'm feeling much better today, so I didn't take anything this morning. I drank some green tea and water, and I'm having more water tonight. Hopefully, I can flush out the extra water during the next couple of days. (She says, as she eats Chinese food...wtf?) Tomorrow's weigh-in is going to suuuuuuuuuuuck, but at least I know why. Phew!

I'm still exercising every night, so I hope next week's weigh-in is much better. I leave for Indianapolis on Sunday, and I'm training people at the Indianapolis office Monday through Thursday. Luckily, my hotel room has a fridge, stove, and microwave, so I don't have to worry about eating out all week. Additionally, they have a fitness room and pool. My swimsuit is WAY too big, so I'm going to have to get a new one this weekend. I'm not thrilled about paying for a new swimsuit at the very beginning of swimming season ($$$$), but that's what I get for forgetting to order one online. :-P At least, this way, I can try them on. Plus-size swimsuits tend to be WAY too big in the bust. (What is up with plus size clothing manufacturers assuming I have 46G breasts?)

In other news, I've been thinking about getting a BodyBugg because I've had it with all the guess work. I've heard really good things about them from other people on MFP.

Keeping At It

I felt even worse when I got home last night, but I still managed to workout for 40 minutes. My sinuses were on fire, and they were super-drippy (sorry), but I kept plugging away and grabbed a tissue whenever I needed one. I felt horrible the entire time, but I made a promise to myself, and I intend to keep it.

I leave for Indianapolis on Sunday and have to train people all next week, so I HAVE to be better by Sunday. I feel much better today than I did yesterday, so maybe it's going away. /crosses fingers I hope this is the last of the winter crud. Brent got me sick with the worst case of bronchitis I've ever had in mid-February, then he caught it back from me as I got over it, and now he's sick and getting me sick again. Three times for him and twice for me, all in the span of six weeks. Screw that. It needs to be spring RIGHT NOW.

Of course, spring means more allergies and the resulting upper respiratory infection that I get every April or May, so maybe I just need to go live in a bubble until they figure out a miracle cure for allergies. ;) This sucks.

Ass-Kicking April

I'm borrowing a term from Alizey. This will be "Ass-Kicking April". I have become way too lax in my exercise and eating habits, and I have to get back on-track. No excuses. None.

I will:

-Exercise every day, unless I am sick with a fever, bronchitis, and/or the flu
-Watch my sodium intake (under 2000)
-Make sure I drink 8-10 glasses of water every day. If my sodium is too high, I will drink 11-12.
-Watch my carbs. I have been so lazy here. It's no wonder I'm not losing right now. It is imperative I eat like a diabetic so I don't end up there. Insulin resistance can turn into Type 2 Diabetes, and I will be so mad if I lose all this weight only to end up diabetic anyway.
-Incorporate strength training to assist with metabolism and overall awesomeness

I started last night and was very proud of myself. Even though I'm sick with some kind of sinus/allergy thing, it's not in my chest, so I'm in no danger of making myself worse. Oh, it sucked hardcore - don't get me wrong - but I did it. Breathing, even through my mouth, felt like I was breathing fire, but I still did it. I wish I could shove an ice pack into my nasal cavity and throat because they still feel fiery today. If I could snort ice cream, I would, just for a few seconds of relief. I hope this goes away soon.

Anyway, in the past, I would have skipped my workout because of the sinus pain, but I figured I could either lay in bed and be in pain or workout and be in pain. I chose to workout since I knew I'd be in pain no matter what. I played "Just Dance 3" and experimented with some new songs after dancing to my usual favorites. I forgot to wear my HRM, but the clock showed I'd been working out for around 40-50 minutes, so I figured I burned around 500 calories. I hate not wearing my HRM because I like to know exactly how long I've been working out and exactly how hard I'm working, so I made a mental note to put it on top of my Wii so I don't forget tonight.

Now that my knee pain is gone, it's been easier to get down on the floor and back up. I can do squats too. I feel so free. I'm not moving as easily as I did when I was younger and thinner, but it is so nice to be able to do things "normal" people do, like scrub the floor really well instead of using a mop (which misses the corners) or put together a TV stand like I did last weekend. I can also bend all the way over when I need to reach something near the floor or tie my shoes, whereas that would have left me breathless before (and I couldn't squat down on one knee because my knee pain prevented me from getting back up).

Anyway, now that my knees are so much better, I can do the full "Firm" workout again. These tapes (yes, tapes) are from the 80s. I know I've talked about them before. They incorporate aerobics with weights, and they are a great workout, despite their age. They kept me in shape during high school and helped me lose the 40 pounds I gained during my second year of college. I'm excited to put them into the rotation because I feel this will be the turning point in my weight loss. It will also ensure that as the fat melts away, I'll have a beautiful shape underneath.

So, here's to ass-kicking!

Weigh-in

Image courtesy of Ampersand Seven
Down 1.2 to 303.4. Woot. If this trend continues, I'll be under 300 in just a couple weeks! :)

I'm really sick with a killer cold from Hell. I'm amazed I've lost weight, considering I've been eating like crap. I can barely get out of bed, so it's been a lot of quick, convenient food, like cereal and pizza rolls. I think it helps that I've been drinking a TON of water and orange juice, and I sweat my fever out yesterday. I wouldn't be surprised if some of the weight returns once I'm feeling better.

New Shoes

I had a doctor appointment yesterday. It was just a check-up to see how my weight loss is progressing and how I'm doing on the metformin and progesterone. So far, so good. We had a long conversation about how I get scared every time I eat, even if it's fruit or vegetables, because I'm convinced I'm going to stall or gain. He said that's common when coming off a plateau and suggested I see a counselor if it continues. I told him I was happy that I don't turn to food for comfort anymore and that I'm happy I don't sit there every five minutes planning an epic binge later that night, but now I've gone clear to the other side of the spectrum. Food isn't evil, and I need to convince myself of that. (I assured him I AM eating and not becoming anorexic; he did get worried for a second.)

We discussed the pain I'm having in my left foot and left knee. He didn't seem too concerned, thank goodness, and didn't recommend me to an orthopedist or podiatrist. He said the crunching feeling and sound in my left knee is common when a joint starts to wear and that it should ease up as I lose weight. He said to make sure I stretch, avoid anything with impact, and take ibuprofen and ice/roll my knee after working out. I told him it used to be much worse when I was 357 - I couldn't even get out of my recliner - but now it's just when I sit in a chair (like at the movies) where my hips sink down lower than my knees. He nodded and said that makes sense since it's like doing deep squats (which I'm forbidden from doing). He told me that if I have no choice, to try to put all of my weight on my arms and push-up, just like I've been doing but more exaggerated. He mimicked a pregnant woman getting out of a chair, which was worth the price of my co-pay. ;)

As for the foot, he told me to go to a running store and have them watch my gait, measure my foot, and get fit for some proper shoes. I'd been meaning to do that for a while; it was a no-brainer. The relief was when he said it was probably just arthritis developing in my foot from stress on the joints. He said that would also clear up with further weight loss and proper shoes. Phew! I really miss walking. That was my chief exercise the last time I lost weight. Plus, I'm getting really tired of babying my foot halfway through the Turbo Jam video.

I got my tax refund today (yaaaaaay), so I went to Gazelle Sports to get fit for shoes.

A really sweet young lady named Dana had me take off my shoes and roll up my jeans. Then she had me walk back and forth while she watched my stride. She said my left foot pronates a little, probably a habit from when I was bigger and had to waddle around my thighs (my words, not hers - ha!) She also measured both of my feet (right = 8, left = 8.5) and had me go up to a 9, which was weird, but she said it would be better since my feet need room to move as I walk. She said if I wear an 8.5, the front of my left foot is going to get shoved against the toe box every time it hits the pavement. Duh. I can't believe I didn't think of that.

I tried on three pairs of shoes: Brooks, Asics, and New Balance, and the Brooks Ariel '12 definitely won.

Image courtesy of BrooksRunning.com
As you can see, they have a toooonnnnnn of cushioning in the arch and heel, right where I need it. She also said they have "motion control" which will help keep my left foot straight. They wrap around my heel perfectly, and they make me feel like I'm standing on a pillow. I told her I could have stood in them all day. She nodded and said most people with high arches buy those and love them. I'm really happy. I kind of want to wear them all the time, even with skirts and dress pants. :) She recommended I try to wear them around the house (whine - I hate wearing shoes at home) so my foot can start to heal. I kind of wanted to wear them out of the store, but it's all gross and slushy outside.

I did ask if they came in different colors, since I love those funky purple/yellow/pink/turquoise shoes runners wear, but they only came in white/turquoise. Rats. ;)

They were $140, which is right around where I wanted to be. I knew a good pair of shoes would cost $100 - $150. I really didn't care, as long as they were good. I see it as an investment in my health and happiness. Also, I'm sick and tired of being in pain.

I'm going to wear them tonight during my workout to see how they feel and if my foot feels any better afterward. I'm so excited!

Brrrrrr...

It is crazy-cold outside. The roads have been awful the past couple days too. I thought about going to the gym last night since I figured the cold and snow would keep the crowds away, but it kept me away too. It took me 45 minutes to do a 20-minute drive, and by the time I got home, there was no way I was going back out in that mess.

So, I decided to do "Turbo Jam".

I almost cried at the end of the DVD last night because I remember doing that workout when I weighed 340+, and it was SO HARD. I would get really happy once I got to the halfway point, trying to push myself to the end. Sometimes I'd stop halfway through and then go for a walk because it was just too much for me. Sometimes I'd sit for a minute and then get back to it.

Last night, I realized I was doing everything and not wishing for death. It wasn't EASY, but it wasn't hard either. It was just a "normal" workout for me. I pushed myself whenever my heart rate started to dip, doing more of the moves, running instead of marching, jumping, and giving it my all, right up until the end. I was actually smiling and really into it all the way through too, which has NEVER happened. ;)

I've never had my heart rate dip during that workout, so that was a first. Part of me is happy because it means I'm getting more conditioned, and part of me thinks, "Aww, man. I can't let my weight do the work for me anymore. Now I actually have to push to get/keep my heart rate up." It's a good thing, though. I like having a healthier heart.

Hopefully, actually sticking to my eating and exercise plan results in another loss for the week. I don't know what was up with my discipline in October, November, and December. I'd do really well and then fall off the wagon. I didn't go over my calories, but I got lazy about carbs and exercise. It was a huge wake-up call after New Year's Eve, though, when that scale got back up to 320. (320!)

I'm close to 310 again, thankfully, but it makes me angry that I "wasted" three months that I could have been losing weight and getting my butt below 300.

Oh well. Better late than never. :)

No Longer Stupid

Third anniversary bouquet and teddy bear

One year ago, I wrote this entry.

I was upset because Brent and I had gone to dinner for our 2nd anniversary, and it left me feeling fat and horrible.

Now, one year later, I don't weigh what I thought I would (260), but I feel infinitely better both mentally and physically. I've lost 45 pounds since last April; I never thought 45 pounds could make such a big difference.

Yes, April. Despite how upset I was in that blog entry, it still took me another three months to get going.

Here are the points I raised in that entry compared to how far I've come:

Worrying about finding a seat at the movie theatre with a moveable armrest and then doing the musical chair dance to ensure you end up in that seat, with nobody to your left (or right as the case may be), without being obvious about it because you don't want them to know you want it because you're too fat to fit between the armrests. Since movie chairs are designed for fatties, not fitting means you're superfat. Side note: if your boyfriend ends up next to the armrest you want to move, move it and make up something like, "I want to snuggle."

I no longer have issues with movie theatre seats. Brent and I have been to the movies twice in the past couple of months, and I fit without any issues. I even have room to move around. When I raise the armrest to "snuggle", it truly is to snuggle, not because I need more room.

Paying for two seats on an airplane. I don't think the policy is stupid. What's stupid is being the size of two people, hence needing two seats. This also means I can't travel anywhere without coughing up $600-700.

I still, technically, need two seats. The seatbelt fits, and I can put the armrests down, but it's a very tight fit and I'm really uncomfortable. I have to press my legs together to keep my thighs from pushing against the person next to me. I don't like feeling crammed in, and it's not fair to the other person, so I do still need two seats. This doesn't surprise or bother me, though, since the last time I flew comfortably, I weighed 250 pounds. I know I still have some work to do, and that's okay. Maybe I'll be able to hit this one by our fourth anniversary. :)

Going to Chicago with your boyfriend and crying because you don't fit in the seat at Wrigley Field, meaning you have to stand in the back through the entire game. Later, you won't fit into the seats at the planetarium. This results in a meltdown because you are too scared to go anywhere else for fear you won't fit. Also, huffing and puffing your way up the subway steps. Or better yet, having to sit down every half-hour while touring museums because your feet are tired of supporting your weight. The best? Not being able to fit in the patio seating at a restaurant, so you have to wait an hour for a booth (also tight).

We haven't been to Wrigley since I lost 15 pounds (last July), so I'm not sure how the seats are now. I weighed exactly what I weigh now the first time we went (312), and while I couldn't sit all the way back in the seats, they weren't uncomfortable. I could still scoot far enough back that my legs had room. The reason we had to stand when I weighed 357 was because I was practically squatting on the edge of the seat and my knees were dying from being bent like that. I'm excited to go this spring because I bet I can get under 300 by then. I can't wait to see if I can sit all the way back.

The planetarium seats are fine now.

I can walk up/down subway steps without any issues. I did it for an entire day in October, and by the time I got tired, Brent was tired too, so I didn't feel "fat".

I didn't have to sit down at the museum until we'd been on our feet for nearly four hours. Even Brent and Stacy were getting tired, so again, I didn't feel "fat". I felt like any other person sitting on the benches after a long day.

Booths aren't tight anymore, but I haven't had a chance to test patio seating yet. Again, that will have to wait for spring. I'm not concerned. I have a feeling I could probably sit in patio chairs right now, and I'll be even smaller by spring.

Not being able to pull yourself out of the pool because you got used to being weightless, and now your arms and legs can't shove you out of the water.

Ha! I forgot about this one. That was horrifying. I almost fell back into the pool because I could NOT pull myself up that ladder and almost lost my grip. I've been swimming many, many times since then, and I haven't had a single issue. I actually look forward to swimming again. We're going to Chicago in March, and I made sure the hotel has a pool. :)

Postponing getting out of the recliner for a drink or food or a bathroom break for as long as possible because you can't stand the pain in your knees when you get up. Then, you collapse back into the recliner immediately after you take care of whatever need you required, as if you just ran a marathon or something.

This is one of those things where I never thought it would happen to me, but it did, and now it's a distant memory again. I am constantly getting up to get a drink or talk to Brent or go to the bathroom or whatever without a second thought. My knee only bothers me if I worked it too hard the day before, and even then it's not that bad. I remember those days, though, and I'm so grateful I don't feel that way anymore, especially since our new place is three times the size of our old place. ;)

Doing laundry on the last possible day (i.e. running out of socks or underwear) because you can't stand going up and down three flights of stairs.

Ha! I do laundry every week now, sometimes twice if I need a couple things for the weekend. Also, in our old place, you had to go down three short flights of stairs. Our new place has four long flights, there are twice as many stairs (yes, I counted), and they're much steeper. I don't even think about it. It's work, yes, especially with a laundry bag full of clothes, but it's no big deal.

Driving two blocks to your favorite restaurant under the pretense, "It's too cold outside," instead of admitting to your boyfriend you're too embarrassed to walk with him. Why are you too embarrassed? Because even though he won't admit it, he has to slow his pace by 50% to allow you to waddle along next to him. This makes you feel like an invalid, which makes you feel ashamed. You're only 35, for crying out loud. 80-year olds can out-pace you. That's not right.

We walked to the restaurant last night, and I kept pace with him. At one point, I was walking faster. :) Also, I don't waddle anymore, and that's cured a lot of my previous foot issues. I used to over-pronate because I had to walk around my thighs. Now, my feet are straight and my stride is correct.

Eating to make myself feel better

I never do that anymore. Ever. I slipped for two days after Christmas because I was so overwhelmed with stress, but then I got right back to eating correctly and exercising and dropped all ten pounds of Christmas bloat. I'm back to the point where I respect food and I'm almost afraid of it (yes, I know that's a whole new issue) instead of loving it and using it to comfort me. I just cannot and will not be that big again, and I want to be under 300 pounds so badly it hurts.

On that note, Brent is still in bed, so I'm going to head to the gym. :)

NSV

In contradiction to my binging entry, I'm able to put up two NSVs today.

Back in October, I posted that I could finally put the armrest down at the movie theatre. It was still tight, but it was down.

When we went to see The Hobbit on Sunday, not only could I put the armrest down, it wasn't tight at all. I actually had some wiggle room to move in my seat to snuggle with Brent, bend over to put my phone in my purse, and so on. It fit comfortably, like I wasn't overweight at all. It was a nice, "normal" feeling.

-=-

Today was my annual eye appointment. The last time I saw the eye doctor was late November 2011, and then I went back in early January 2012 to pick up my frames. Both times, I was unable to sit in the waiting room chairs. They're really nice chairs with wooden frames, and I had to sit on the edge since the arms were too tight.

When the doctor called me in for my exam, I started to sit in the chair and realized it wasn't wide enough. He moved one of the armrests out of the way and very kindly said, "Here, let me make this a bit more comfortable for you," with absolutely zero judgement in his voice. I still felt horrible, though. That moment became one of many moments on the List of Why I'm Doing This.

I was a bit excited about going today because I've been really into this whole "Test All the Chairs!" thing. Every time we go somewhere we haven't been in a while, I get both nervous and excited during those few seconds before I sit down. Sometimes the chairs are still tight, but not as tight, and sometimes I fit just fine. Brent kind of smirks (in an amused, not mean, way) when he notices me wiggling between the armrests or checking to see if my belly has more room in a booth.

So, when I walked in, I gave the office manager my name, took my coat off, and headed straight for a chair. I sat down like I had every right in the world to sit there, and I fit just fine! It wasn't even tight. I could feel the armrests against my legs, but it wasn't uncomfortable at all; I just noticed them there. I felt so proud.

Then, when I went into the exam room, I sat in the exam chair before he could offer to move the armrest. Again, I fit just fine. It was a bit tight, but he didn't say anything or offer to move it. I was comfortable enough; it wasn't digging in, just kind of tight, like new jeans.

When he asked if I was on any new medication, I mentioned the metformin. I noticed a slight change in his poker face before he went back to neutral, and I quickly mentioned I don't have diabetes, just insulin resistance. (It is very important for an eye doctor to know if you have diabetes, so I knew he was just concerned, not judging me.) He asked, "Any other changes in health," and I was pleased to say, "Yes, I've lost nearly fifty pounds." He asked how long it had taken, and I told him about seven or eight months. He nodded and said, "Good. That's a healthy pace."

My eye test itself was fine. He noticed my astigmatism has adjusted a slight bit (the angle, not the severity), and then he told me I actually have 20/15 vision, and that's why it takes me a second to focus when I put my glasses on, since glasses correct to 20/20. He said without the astigmatism, I'd have A+ eyesight. I preened a little. :)

Side Note: my boyfriend, who is 38-years old, has 20/15 vision and probably won't need glasses until he's in his sixties. You all have permission to be wicked jealous of him.

Anyway, after we finished the usual stuff, he said, "We're going to do a new test today since you've entered the bifocal age range." I wish I had a picture of my face because he smiled and said, "Your vision is fine; we just have to do all of the required tests to be absolutely sure. You probably won't need them until you're 65." That made me relax a little, but BIFOCAL AGE RANGE?!? It made me feel so old. ;)

I actually really like bifocals, though. I know you can get them without the visible lines now, but when I do need them, I'll probably leave the lines on. They always make me think of librarians, and I think they look classy. Maybe I'm just weird.

Binging

I have been absolutely horrible with my food for the past week. I did my best with Christmas, such as making eggs instead of eating what my parents had for breakfast (brown sugar covered bacon and donuts), but then we had things like this AMAZING chicken spinach lasagna and Asiago toast. I'm not supposed to eat too many carbs or too much sugar because of my insulin resistance, and after a couple days of that, my body was right back to where it was: the hunger, the cravings, the lethargy.

It just kept building and building and building. I've caught myself binging this past week. Even in the middle of a binge, I knew I was binging, but I'd just keep shoving food into my mouth.

I don't want to do this.

Part of the reason was that we hadn't gone shopping before we left for Christmas, so I didn't have any of my low-carb stuff in the house when we came home. I didn't want to go shopping because I was so tired, so I just ate a bunch of snacks and cereal. That was poor planning on my part. We restocked this past weekend, and I started bringing my usual food to work so I wouldn't have to buy cafe food or walk to the McDonald's next door. At night, however, it creeps in again. I did fine on New Year's Eve, but then a friend came over and we ordered Chinese food. Then yesterday, I did fine at work again, but I ate the rest of the crackers and cheese spread from New Year's Eve. At least, now, all of the crappy food is out of the house.

I haven't done this since May or June, so I'm not sure of the reason. I feel stressed/depressed, and I haven't been able to put my finger on why. I need to get back to the gym and re-condition myself to exercise when I'm upset rather than eat. I think the binging made me stressed, which led to more binging, amusingly enough. And then my insulin resistance kicks in and makes me hungry, which leads to more binging, and so on. But now I'm getting it back under control.

Part of me thinks it might have been the stress of the weight loss on top of everything else. Sometimes I feel so much pressure to put up a loss every week or two, and I'm so close to 300. Even though I am VERY proud of how far I've come, I hate being stuck around 310. It's like I needed a break, a week of eating at maintenance, a week where I didn't count calories or wear a heart rate monitor. I know that sounds irresponsible, and it is, but I'm human. I'm sure that, even at goal weight, I'm going to have another week where I just want to eat a ton of horrible food. I'm sure it will happen before then, even. So, I need to develop the tools (again) to stop it in its tracks.

It's the week before my period, so I can't really tell if the extra weight is from that or the binging or both. I know I haven't gone over maintenance, so I'm sure it's all water weight (especially since my clothes still fit the same - my jeans are actually loose). The problem is the scale said 318 after spending a couple weeks at 310, so my eyes practically fell out of my head this morning. That's a LOT of water weight to lose over the next week or two. But, since I usually gain 5-6 pounds before my period, I know most of it will come off. I just have to go back to my plan to get the rest of it off and keep going down, down, down.

My consolation is that pretty much everyone I know ate at maintenance between Christmas and New Year's Day, so we're all dealing with an increase (or no loss at all). So I guess if I was going to lose my mind, this was the perfect week for it. I don't feel so alone. ;)

Progress

Diablo
Last night, I was able to stay on the elliptical for six minutes! I blew right by my goal of five minutes, mostly because it went into cool-down mode (which was set at exactly the same resistance I'd been working at), and I figured, "Eh, what the heck. See what you can do."

I've noticed my elliptical workout goes like this:

0:00 - 1:00 - My feet are flying! I'm made of feathers! I will run, run, run! Wheeeee!

1:00 - 2:00 - Ohmygod... kill me now... I hate this. I'm too fat.

2:00 - 3:00 - Okay, halfway there. I can do this. Just breathe.

3:00 - 4:00 - Hey, this is getting easier!

4:00 - 4:30 - Wheeeeee! My feet are flying! I can crank this last minute out no problem!

4:30 - 5:00 - Stare at the timer, focusing on the numbers because I can hardly manage to keep my feet moving, push push push

5:00 - die

The machine won't let you set the timer for 30-second increments, so I set it to 5:00 Sunday and simply stopped at 4:30. Last night, when it hit 5:00, it went into cool-down mode, as I said. It added 2:00 and started counting backward. I was dead but not all the way dead, so I did kind of take it easy, enough to keep the machine from pausing, and did another minute of long, slow movements. Then I said, "Screw this," and stopped at a total of 6:00. I was pretty proud of myself.

Tonight is a rest night. I worked my triceps, pecs, and lats again last night, and I want to give my body time to process the water retention in my sore muscles before I weigh in tomorrow. Who knows what will happen when I get home, though. I may decide to do some cardio and skip weights. I really do love how I feel when I leave the gym, like all of the stress of the day is simply gone. I never felt like that after walking or doing a DVD. There's something about working my butt off on the elliptical and really pushing myself that cleanses me, like the endorphins take over and make everything okay. Plus, I'm too tired and worn out at that point to feel stressed. ;)

-=-

Now that I've added in weights, I've been having the dumbest thoughts ever. While I know it's a very good thing to build lean muscle, I also know that it might "stall" my weight loss in several weeks when I start to gain lean muscle mass.

I know it will be because muscle is more dense than fat, and my measurements will show that, but there's this little psychological component to it: I want to keep watching the weight go down and not do anything to stop that, however temporarily or briefly.

Again, I know this is stupid, especially since having lean muscle mass will help with weight loss, so I hope I get over it soon. I have no intention of stopping weight training, so I have no choice but to get over it.

Owwww... My Arms...

My friend, Kae, just signed up at Planet Fitness, so we decided to go this afternoon. We started out with brunch and thrift store shopping as a warm-up.

Kae and I used to do The Firm workouts back when they were still on VHS tapes and everyone was 80s-tastic. Seriously. She and I started working out together in 1993, and the tapes were released in the late 80s.

That said, they remain one of my favorite workouts because they combine weights and aerobics. I was in the best shape of my life back then, and I used those tapes to lose 40 pounds in 1997. If you can get past the cheesy leotards and awful hair, I highly recommend looking for them on Amazon and eBay.

Anyway, because we have a history of working out together, we know what each other's limits are (my knees, her hands) and how to motivate each other. She's also really knowledgeable about weight machines, whereas I am most decidedly not, so I let her take the reins today.

She asked how I do my cardio so that we could do our own, separate things and then meet up by the weight machines. I always warm-up on the treadmill or recumbent bike and then move to the elliptical to flirt with certain death. She likes the bike, so I did that with her for ten minutes and then left to get on the elliptical. The bike is good for a warm-up, but it's kind of boring, and I don't feel like I'm getting a workout since I'm sitting down. I'm fairly sure it's psychological, since my heart rate gets up to 145, but still.

The last time I was there, I made a goal to stay on the elliptical for 4:00. I barely made it. I thought I was going to DIE. This time, I figured I'd go for 4:30, since my plan is to increase my time by thirty seconds every time I go to the gym. I want to work up to 45 minutes.

The first couple minutes were much easier this time. My knee didn't freak out, and when it did, I simply went backwards for a little while until my knee felt okay but my thighs were hollering. Then I went back forward. I hit a groove around 3:00 and thought, "Maybe I'll go for 5:00 today," but then the wheels fell off the bus around 4:00 and I had to focus to get through to 4:30. It's amazing how long thirty seconds can feel when you want to fall over and play dead.

That said, I LOVE the elliptical. I want one of these things in my house. It's definitely a torture machine, but I love it for that very reason. My heart rate gets up to 170, so I have to scale back a bit just to keep it in the correct zone. (It's almost always because I'm moving my arms too fast.) There's absolutely zero impact, it's a smooth motion, it isn't as awkward as it looks, and it makes my legs feel amazing. I also sweat a ton. So, yes, this is my favorite machine, and I can't wait for the day I can stay on it for a full 45 minutes like all the other cardio rock stars.

Once we finished our cardio, we decided to work on our shoulders and back. Kae likes to split her workouts into shoulders/back one day, then legs/butt, then arms/chest/abs - or something like that. Anyway, we found the right machines and set to work. She had me do ten reps at a weight that was comfortable but still challenging, rest while she did it, and then get back on for ten more reps. We did this with all of the machines and then did some free weight work.

I have to say, having that mirrored wall in the free weight area really helps. I always thought it was kind of funny that people would stare at their muscles, but today I realized its true purpose - I could see when I got lazy with my form. No wonder people watch themselves. I felt like an idiot for thinking it was there for vanity's sake. ;)

Once we finished that up, she had to go to Best Buy, and I decided to come home and shower. We would have showered there (and they have nice showers), but we didn't realize they don't provide towels. Oops! I did think it was really nice that they not only have shower curtains, but they also have a curtained dressing room where you can put on some basic underwear instead of having to walk back into the locker room wearing just a towel. It's also nice for those who are more modest/religious.

I'm pleasantly sore now. It feels great to be able to do a full workout again. 46 pounds ago, there's no way I would have been able to do any of this. I felt powerful and really proud, even though my reflection in the weight area was still a chunky girl. I simply didn't care, though, because I'm smaller than I used to be, and the more I go to the gym, the smaller I'll get. I can't wait to see what my reflection looks like next December. :)

Planet Fitness

logo from planetfitness.com
I went to Planet Fitness for the first time last night, and I absolutely LOVED IT!

I worked with one of their fitness instructors to come up with an aerobic workout that wouldn't put too much stress on my knees and feet. It was just enough to get my heart rate up where it needed to be without feeling any pain. It was perfect. :)

I started out by warming up on the treadmill. I walked at 3.5 mph with the incline set to 1% (to mimic walking outside) and then 3.0 mph with the incline set to 4%. I did intervals for ten minutes, using the manual setting so I could scale back if my foot started to hurt. It didn't hurt until near the very end, but it wasn't bad, so I kept walking. (Yes, I plan to make an appointment with a podiatrist. This has been going on for six months.)

After the treadmill, I moved to the recumbent bike. I was supposed to do 10 minutes on level 2 and then 10 minutes at level 3, with my RPM between 80-100. The balls of my feet started to hurt after 10 minutes, though. She checked my form, and it was fine. We have no idea why my feet hurt so much. It was like a burning pain more than a muscle pain. She had me stop since slowing down didn't help.

Then, we moved to the elliptical. I was supposed to start at 4:00 on level 1 and hang onto the middle bars. She wants me to add 30 seconds per day, which seems like a good pace. I told her hanging onto the middle bars would feel like cheating and that it isn't very comfortable. She agreed, saying using your arms gives you a better cardio burn and cautioned me to move back to the middle if my heart rate got too crazy or I started to feel dizzy.

So, I used my arms, and I really liked it! My knee started to bother me after one minute, so she told me to go backwards for thirty seconds and then go forward again. Going backward was easier on my knee but BOY did it kill my thighs! She said she often does intervals, forward and back, because it works more muscles.

I continued to do that for four minutes and burned through the last minute, pushing myself because it felt awesome and horrible and exhilirating all at once. I probably could have done another 30-60 seconds, but I was also a little glad to get off the machine. ;) Now I see why she wants me to add 30 seconds per day. It's easy enough for me to handle without dying but not TOO easy. It's perfect. Eventually, she wants me to get up to 30 minutes on level 1, and then I can start over again with level 2, then 3, and so on until I reach a comfortable point where I can spend 30-45 minutes on whichever level is most comfortable for my knee. Once I get to that point, she'll show me how to change the levels for really good interval training.

Everyone on the staff was really nice and inviting. They all smiled at me, welcomed me, asked how I was doing, said goodbye, etc. I got a really good vibe while there. It truly is a "no judgment zone", just like they advertise. There were people of all shapes and sizes, and everyone was focused on their workout.

Additionally, the shower and locker room is really nice. The shower stalls have curtains (yay!), and there are many lockers of assorted sizes. You can bring a padlock to secure your stuff.

I highly recommend Planet Fitness if you're looking for a gym. I'm paying $10/month with no commitment. The special runs through December 31. I'm so happy I joined!

Rant

Trying to lose weight with insulin resistance is like Sisyphus pushing his rock up that hill. I've been reducing my calories and exercising my butt off for two months without a single pound lost. I hate that I do everything everyone else does and only maintain while they put up 1-2 pound losses every week. This sucks, and I'm mad, and I don't even care that I sound whiny. I can't wait to see my doctor for a new/better battle plan in a couple weeks.

He warned me this would happen, that I could stall for six months or more, and that I might only lose one pound per month, but I'm still pissed.

I've lost 40-ish pounds successfully in the past, but that's the most I've ever lost. I've never lost 50, 60, 70 pounds. I hate to think my body likes to lose 40 pounds and then give up the ghost. I'm seriously freaking out right now, even though I know my doctor can probably clear this up with sage advice on December 5th. I can't wait to see him.

Since I have to reduce my carbs so much (and I've been having a hell of a time with that, despite my best intentions), my friend recommended the South Beach plan. I HATE gimmicks, but she said it's actually really easy to follow and not a "diet". The focus is simply on reducing carbs and getting your carbs from good sources instead of starchy/sugary sources. She's lost quite a bit of weight and has kept it off for two years. From her description of the meals and snacks, it sounds exactly like what I'm supposed to be doing. I figure it can't hurt to try it. I don't eat white flour and simple starches anymore, but I have to buckle down tighter than that.

I know I've "come so far" and that I feel better and my old clothes fit again and blah blah blah, but right now, it's really hard to focus on that while everyone on MFP is posting weight loss while I sit here at the same weight doing exactly what they're doing. I was supposed to be under 300 by Thanksgiving, and I haven't even budged a little bit since I made that goal. Now, I don't even know if I can hit my Christmas goal of 307.

I want to whine for hours about how incredibly unfair it is that I have a hormonal imbalance and metabolic syndrome, but I won't. I want to, but I won't. I simply have to wait and see what the doctor says. For all I know, we may just need to increase my Metformin or something simple like that.

In the meantime, I'll check out this South Beach thing, do it for a month, and see how it goes. It can't hurt to try; it's not like it'll make me gain weight.

I can't do the induction phase just yet, though. We leave for Albuquerque tomorrow morning, and while I don't plan to go hog wild during our vacation, it's also not the best time to try to eliminate all sugar and carbs from my diet. I will do my very best, but being on the train and going to restaurants and parties means I'm sort of at the whim of the universe. I'll just to have to find the lowest-carb options available, do my best, and then start induction when we get home.

Weigh-In

316.8 today. I'm down 5.2 from PMS water weight gain, but up 2.0 from my lowest (when I hit my 314 mini-goal two weeks ago). I really hate that TOM takes up two whole weeks of weight loss every five weeks. It's so incredibly unfair that I can only post a loss 3/5 of the time.

:-/

I still keep plugging away, though. The PMS cravings are super hard, but I've been keeping track of symptoms so that I know to account for those days next month. I had three days where I wanted to eat everything in sight and had to (literally) sit on my hands one evening. Then there are the seven days of water bloat. I haven't had a normal cycle since I was 19, so yes, I'm completely new to this even though I've had my period since I was 13. I'm tracking everything so I know what to expect every month, so I can adjust my calories and water intake and avoid freaking out when the scale starts to climb.

Anyway, enough about my cycle. I know most of my readers are women and get it, but it still feels very personal to me.

-=-

I increased my calories a little bit because I've increased my exercise. I found myself pretty hungry in the evening, especially after working out, so I added 200 calories per day. I'm still getting a net calorie reading of around 1800-1900 every day, sometimes 1600 if I work my butt off, so the increase in eating hasn't affected it that much (the exercise is balancing it out). Hopefully, I'll see an actual loss on the scale next Wednesday. I would really like to be down to 307 by Christmas, as that's my "50 Pounds Lost" mini-goal, and it would be nice to celebrate with my family. They've been really supportive through all of this.

I started doing The Firm's "Upper Body" workout. It's actually a two-disc compilation that includes "Standing Legs", but my knees aren't stable enough for the step work yet.

I've always enjoyed their workouts. They combine weights and aerobics, so you get a killer cardio burn along with sculpting. These DVDs kept me in great shape during high school and college. I had a pretty decent tricep line in my Prom pictures.

I'm hoping that if I keep working my upper body, the muscle tone will start to show more and more as I lose the fat. I'm not trying to spot reduce, since that's impossible, but I figure if I spot tone, it will help shape that area and keep the skin from hanging as the fat goes away.

-=-

I bought a new workout outfit from Lane Bryant. It's made from a wicking material and is super comfortable. I wore it the other night while doing Turbo Jam, and it was infinitely better than a loose t-shirt and cotton yoga pants. I didn't feel suffocated or warm, and my clothes weren't getting in the way. It was awesome. I took some pictures so I could compare them to my workout pictures from 344 pounds.

You can really see where my shoulders and waist have come in! The loss around my thighs isn't so obvious here, but I'm pleased that it highlights the loss in my upper body. (That's a heart rate monitor on my left wrist. I highly recommend purchasing one.)

-=-

My back and hips are killing me today since I sat on the edge of the bed for several hours last night while watching CNN. Sitting like that must have put a constant pull on the muscles, and I didn't feel it until I got up to brush my teeth before bed. Oops. I kept waking up last night because I was uncomfortable, and then I had to hobble around this morning while the muscles loosened up. I have a hair appointment in an hour, so I need to take some ibuprofen and stretch again.

How do I keep doing these things to myself? Getting old sucks. ;)

Weigh-in Postponed

No weigh-in today. It's TOM, and I've gained the usual five pounds of water weight. My clothes fit the same, so I'm sure I haven't gained any actual fat weight. I've been nursing a knee injury plus bronchitis for the past week and eating somewhere between goal and maintenance, so I doubt I've lost anything anyway.

As much as I'm coughing, I'm still itching to get outside for a walk. I'll take it easy, walk at a slow pace, and not worry about speed or heart rate. The fresh air might help. I put pans of water on the radiators and a humidifier in my room last night, but it still feels dry. The humidifier is a super cheap Walgreen's humidifier, though, and doesn't actually put out any mist. I need to get one that's misty and will turn my bedroom into a rain forest. I go through this every winter. :(

I have the Chicago trip report halfway finished. I cannot believe it's taken me so long to work on that.

Back to 40!

Well, thank goodness. Today's weigh-in puts me back at 40 pounds lost. Phew! I still need to lose two more pounds to get back to my current low of 315, but another couple days of strict monitoring, lots of water, and exercise should do it. I've been dropping about one pound of water bloat every day. Once again, lesson learned. I got lazy about tracking sodium and water and paid for it dearly.