Wednesday, April 25, 2012

An Emo Moment

I am having an emo moment.

I have been working very hard to track every single piece of food or drop of liquid that goes in my mouth. I have been working very hard at exercising.

Last night, I found some pictures of me that were taken in 2004. I weighed around 290 pounds. When I looked at them, I realized I don't look much different than I do now. Yes, I'm a little smaller, but I still look disgustingly fat. I realized that even if I lose another fifty pounds, I'm still going to look gross. In my mind, I looked okay at 290, but it appears those memories were rose-colored, as most memories are.

It made me sigh. It made me want to cry. I need to work my ass off for another fifty pounds, only to continue to be so heavy it's comical? Faaaaabulous.

To make myself feel better, I started looking for pictures of me at weights slightly under that. I dug up some pictures of me at 265 (summer 2008). Those pictures are better. I'm still heavy through the hips/thighs, but I've lost a lot of fat off my arms and belly. You can also see the bone structure in my face again. I don't have the huge, "moon face". So, right now, 265 is my primary goal - not the ultimate goal, the primary goal. I wasn't HUGE at 265, just fat.

I have 75 pounds to go, and I'm scared. It just feels so far away. It will feel GREAT to get back to 314 (when I met Brent), and then it will feel AWESOME when I get under 300 and finally have a "2" in front of my weight,  but it's sad to know I won't be HAPPY until I'm 265.

Given my progress, that will be around Halloween. It will be nice to look so much better before we visit Brent's family at Thanksgiving, but urrrrggghhhh... I just really need some positivity right now. I'm not going to give up; I just feel like this particular hill is going to take forever. If I can just get to 265, I will be so happy. Anything after that is gravy. I just want this so badly.

It just occurred to me that if I get to 265 around Halloween, I could be 260 by Thanksgiving. That will mean I'll have lost 96 pounds since I last saw his family at Christmas. How impressive would that be, to be almost 100 pounds lighter? :)

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