Sunday, April 15, 2012

All Caught Up

Now that I'm reasonably caught up on sleep and in a much better mood, I've noticed my eating has reflected it. I've stopped binging and eating crap, thank goodness. Now I just have to deal with the damage. I gained three pounds back. :(

Brent just rescued the VCR from the storage closet so I can hook it up in the bedroom. My Firm workouts are in VHS format (heh), and until I can order the DVDs from Amazon sellers, I need to use the tapes. I don't mind being old school. If it works, it works. The problem is we're running out of room on our dresser. Currently, it's holding the TV, Brent's alarm clock, the secondary DVR, and the DVD player. I have no idea where I'm going to put the VCR. :-P

I'll update after I Firm. I have a feeling I'm going to want to die, so I'm doing the time-crunch (40-minute) workout instead of the full-on, kill-me-now 60-minute workout.


In other news, I've been scanning old photos I found at my parents' house so I can have back-ups in case of fire/flood. Seeing all of these old high school pictures is sort of depressing because I remember feeling super fat back then and used to put my hands over my stomach in pictures. I wasn't fat at ALL. My fingers are practically bony, and you can see my cheekbones and collar bones. I was a size 12 and then a 14 when my hips finished developing. I have a cute, tiny waist and a great shape. I do have what I call "softball thighs", because I carry my weight in my lower body, but I was by no means fat. I wish I could go back in time and lecture everyone who made me feel gross and chubby. I was only 15 pounds overweight for most of high school. That is, by no means, a death sentence like they made it out to be.

Anyway, as depressing as some of those pictures were (because I miss being that size), they were also an inspiration. Now I KNOW that if I can get back to a 14, or even a 16 or 18, I'll be super cute and love myself again. It's hard to love myself right now because I've really destroyed my body. True, I've caught it before I developed heart disease or diabetes, but I'm still very upset with myself. It also sucks that I worry about going to new restaurants and such because my first thought is, "Will I fit in the chairs?" I've never had to worry about that before, and it colors every plan we make. I find it hard to get excited about experiencing things because I'm so scared I won't fit in the seats. There is no way to comprehend this feeling unless you've  ever had to excuse yourself from a theatre, restaurant, ballpark, amusement park, etc because you couldn't sit in the seats. It's humiliating.

So, I'm keeping a few pictures out as reminders. I'm going to tape them to the corners of the TV I use for my Firm workouts so I have a vision in mind. I also want to remember that I didn't always look/feel like this, that I was once "normal".

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