Wednesday, January 30, 2013


Image courtesy of Ampersand Seven

Down 2.4 pounds to 308.6. Just a little ways to go until 50 pounds lost!

Since I had a whoosh this week, I don't expect to lose any weight next week. I'll be pleasantly surprised if the scale shows 307 or under next week. Honestly, I'm just hoping I can just maintain the loss. Whooshes always make me nervous. ;)

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Mangia Mangia

Last week was Restaurant Week in Kalamazoo, so some friends of ours invited us to go to Mangia Mangia. Several restaurants downtown offered a $25 menu that featured an appetizer, entree, and dessert. It allowed patrons to sample the restaurant without paying the usual (more expensive) prices.

I chose the option with a Caprese Salad to start, Chicken Mangia (chicken w/ red wine sauce), and Zabaione w/ Berries for dessert.

I wasn't impressed. Perhaps it was just the items I chose, and maybe the regular pasta is very good, but I didn't feel like my dinner was worth $25 (let alone the regular price). I had a good time with my friends, though. Also, we got four inches of lake effect snow, and when we came out of the restaurant, it was like the entire world was trapped in a snow globe. It was really pretty and really thick.


This was our first Saturday without plans in a long time. I woke up at 8:00 like I have for the past couple Saturdays and then made myself go back to sleep. We did the grocery shopping and cleaned, and then I did my Turbo Jam workout.

I spent the rest of the day/evening reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I'm surprised I never read it as part of my English major, and now I'm sorry I didn't. It was an excellent book. I identified with her at many points, and I could tell it was cathartic for her to write it.

I also hooked up a wireless DVR in our bedroom so I can watch TV at night in the comfort of our warm bed. I was impressed that my first impulse wasn't to grab a snack. Snacking in bed with TV/Netflix has been a habit for many, many years. I wasn't hungry, though, so I poured a glass of Crystal Light and snuggled down into our blankets. Even if I HAD wanted a snack, I probably would have cut up an apple instead of grabbing something with 1300 calories in it. I like these changes. :)


We slept in again today. It's going to be a lazy Sunday. We're supposed to get snow and ice later today, so part of me thinks I should go shopping ASAP. Brent loaned me some money to buy new clothes since stuff is starting to fall off of me and I only have a few shirts that fit properly. I also need to do laundry. I'm sort of debating between staying home and doing laundry or running errands before the weather gets bad. I really don't feel like changing out of my pajamas, so laundry might win this war. :)

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Turbo Sculpt

I really like Chalene's "Turbo Jam" cardio workouts, so I decided to try "Turbo Sculpt" last night.


I used to do "The Firm" in high school and college. It's a bit too hard on my knees and has a lot of floor work, so I can't pull it off the shelf again just yet. It's a great aerobic workout that combines lots of different hand weights. I was freaking buff in high school.

Anyway, I thought I'd give "Turbo Sculpt" a try since it uses one set of weights (3, 5, or whatever is good for you). I used a set of 3s just to be safe.


For one thing, there was a lot of leg work - squats and lunges - and I simply can't do that. My knees are still completely out of whack. In fact, I need to talk to my doctor about my left knee. My right knee is okay, but my left is awful. Same with my left foot. This is no surprise since I tend to shift my weight to my left. The Wii Body Test always confirms it. ;)

Secondly, the arm work wasn't that challenging, and it didn't make any sense. She had some really weird moves tossed in there, and I didn't feel like I was getting a workout at all. It wasn't a matter of how much weight I was using (five pounds would have been too much); it was just... meh.

I think I'm going to shelve "Turbo Sculpt". I wouldn't say it was a waste of a workout (no workout is a waste of time), but if I want to use weights from now on, I'll either go to the gym or do "Firm Parts: Upper Body", which is put out by (duh) "The Firm". It focuses on just your upper body and gives you a thorough workout without combining legs. That's perfect for me right now, since I can't do the full series yet.

I cannot wait until I can do that full series again. If you can find them on Amazon, buy them. It's kind of hard, though, since the tapes (yes, tapes) came out in the late 80s.


Image courtesy of Ampersand Seven

What. The. Hell.

I dropped another 1.6 pounds overnight. I weighed in at 309.4 this morning. I weighed myself FOUR TIMES just to be sure. I've been eating and exercising exactly the same way, so it wasn't like I drank a ton of detox tea or anything like that.

Anyway, this means I've lost 3 pounds in the past week, not 1.4. Ha! I guess it was time for a whoosh? Holy cow.

This loss means I've hit my mini-goal of having a BMI under 50. It's 49.9 now. :-D

The next mini-goal is 307 (50 pounds lost). If this keeps up, I'll hit that next week. Woot! I'm so excited!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


Image courtesy of Ampersand Seven

Down 1.4 pounds to 311 on the dot. Yay! I've officially lost all of the Christmas weight.

Lesson learned: a week of going crazy with food equals a month of working it off. I'll never do THAT again...

Anyway, I have 309 in my sights, and that means the final "decade" before 299 is right around the corner. :)

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


It is crazy-cold outside. The roads have been awful the past couple days too. I thought about going to the gym last night since I figured the cold and snow would keep the crowds away, but it kept me away too. It took me 45 minutes to do a 20-minute drive, and by the time I got home, there was no way I was going back out in that mess.

So, I decided to do "Turbo Jam".

I almost cried at the end of the DVD last night because I remember doing that workout when I weighed 340+, and it was SO HARD. I would get really happy once I got to the halfway point, trying to push myself to the end. Sometimes I'd stop halfway through and then go for a walk because it was just too much for me. Sometimes I'd sit for a minute and then get back to it.

Last night, I realized I was doing everything and not wishing for death. It wasn't EASY, but it wasn't hard either. It was just a "normal" workout for me. I pushed myself whenever my heart rate started to dip, doing more of the moves, running instead of marching, jumping, and giving it my all, right up until the end. I was actually smiling and really into it all the way through too, which has NEVER happened. ;)

I've never had my heart rate dip during that workout, so that was a first. Part of me is happy because it means I'm getting more conditioned, and part of me thinks, "Aww, man. I can't let my weight do the work for me anymore. Now I actually have to push to get/keep my heart rate up." It's a good thing, though. I like having a healthier heart.

Hopefully, actually sticking to my eating and exercise plan results in another loss for the week. I don't know what was up with my discipline in October, November, and December. I'd do really well and then fall off the wagon. I didn't go over my calories, but I got lazy about carbs and exercise. It was a huge wake-up call after New Year's Eve, though, when that scale got back up to 320. (320!)

I'm close to 310 again, thankfully, but it makes me angry that I "wasted" three months that I could have been losing weight and getting my butt below 300.

Oh well. Better late than never. :)

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Belated Birthday

Every year, we go to this wonderful restaurant called Shifters on my birthday. It's been a tradition with our friends, Beth and Tony, for the past few years. It used to be called K.C. Dippers, and the "dip" part of the name is the exact reason we go.

You can order either one dip or the "sampler", which includes your choice of three dips. All of the dips are either cream cheese or sour cream based. You get tortilla chips and pita bread with your dip, giving you the means to shovel it into your mouth.

Usually, I order three dips, eat two, and then have one leftover for the next day (or power through it). Now that I'm watching calories and carbs, I thought it best to order one dip instead of three.

I got the sundried tomato dip, knowing most of the calories would come from the cream cheese instead of adding additional meats and cheeses to it. My dip came in around 300 calories, with another 200 for the pita bread.

I also had a Cosmo, though, not realizing how many calories are in those things. YIKES.

It's a good thing I went to the gym yesterday morning. Between Friday night's meal at Comensoli's and Saturday night's meal at Shifters, I knew I would need a metabolism and calorie bump. I tried a new routine of treadmill, elliptical, bike, back to elliptical, and then treadmill again. I normally don't do the second round of elliptical and treadmill. I thought I was going to die on the elliptical, and then the treadmill wasn't much of a cooldown since my knee and foot were kind of mad at that point and I had to quit after five minutes.

Also, my calorie burn wasn't much higher than it would have been after 45 minutes of my normal routine, and I was much more tired from all the switching.

My knee and foot are going crazy with pain today, so I really think I need to switch things up. Instead of trying to be the cardio queen, I'm going to stick with two machines - the bike to warm-up, the elliptical for the burn, and then the bike to cool-down again. Both machines are low impact and give me a higher calorie burn than the treadmill. This will prevent the pain in my foot and knee the next day


We're under a lake effect snow warning tonight and tomorrow. We're supposed to get 6-10 inches of snow. I'm pretty excited. Beth was teasing me because, every time we go to Shifters for my birthday, we get six inches of snow that night. Looks like we missed it by one day. :)

Saturday, January 19, 2013

No Longer Stupid

Third anniversary bouquet and teddy bear

One year ago, I wrote this entry.

I was upset because Brent and I had gone to dinner for our 2nd anniversary, and it left me feeling fat and horrible.

Now, one year later, I don't weigh what I thought I would (260), but I feel infinitely better both mentally and physically. I've lost 45 pounds since last April; I never thought 45 pounds could make such a big difference.

Yes, April. Despite how upset I was in that blog entry, it still took me another three months to get going.

Here are the points I raised in that entry compared to how far I've come:

Worrying about finding a seat at the movie theatre with a moveable armrest and then doing the musical chair dance to ensure you end up in that seat, with nobody to your left (or right as the case may be), without being obvious about it because you don't want them to know you want it because you're too fat to fit between the armrests. Since movie chairs are designed for fatties, not fitting means you're superfat. Side note: if your boyfriend ends up next to the armrest you want to move, move it and make up something like, "I want to snuggle."

I no longer have issues with movie theatre seats. Brent and I have been to the movies twice in the past couple of months, and I fit without any issues. I even have room to move around. When I raise the armrest to "snuggle", it truly is to snuggle, not because I need more room.

Paying for two seats on an airplane. I don't think the policy is stupid. What's stupid is being the size of two people, hence needing two seats. This also means I can't travel anywhere without coughing up $600-700.

I still, technically, need two seats. The seatbelt fits, and I can put the armrests down, but it's a very tight fit and I'm really uncomfortable. I have to press my legs together to keep my thighs from pushing against the person next to me. I don't like feeling crammed in, and it's not fair to the other person, so I do still need two seats. This doesn't surprise or bother me, though, since the last time I flew comfortably, I weighed 250 pounds. I know I still have some work to do, and that's okay. Maybe I'll be able to hit this one by our fourth anniversary. :)

Going to Chicago with your boyfriend and crying because you don't fit in the seat at Wrigley Field, meaning you have to stand in the back through the entire game. Later, you won't fit into the seats at the planetarium. This results in a meltdown because you are too scared to go anywhere else for fear you won't fit. Also, huffing and puffing your way up the subway steps. Or better yet, having to sit down every half-hour while touring museums because your feet are tired of supporting your weight. The best? Not being able to fit in the patio seating at a restaurant, so you have to wait an hour for a booth (also tight).

We haven't been to Wrigley since I lost 15 pounds (last July), so I'm not sure how the seats are now. I weighed exactly what I weigh now the first time we went (312), and while I couldn't sit all the way back in the seats, they weren't uncomfortable. I could still scoot far enough back that my legs had room. The reason we had to stand when I weighed 357 was because I was practically squatting on the edge of the seat and my knees were dying from being bent like that. I'm excited to go this spring because I bet I can get under 300 by then. I can't wait to see if I can sit all the way back.

The planetarium seats are fine now.

I can walk up/down subway steps without any issues. I did it for an entire day in October, and by the time I got tired, Brent was tired too, so I didn't feel "fat".

I didn't have to sit down at the museum until we'd been on our feet for nearly four hours. Even Brent and Stacy were getting tired, so again, I didn't feel "fat". I felt like any other person sitting on the benches after a long day.

Booths aren't tight anymore, but I haven't had a chance to test patio seating yet. Again, that will have to wait for spring. I'm not concerned. I have a feeling I could probably sit in patio chairs right now, and I'll be even smaller by spring.

Not being able to pull yourself out of the pool because you got used to being weightless, and now your arms and legs can't shove you out of the water.

Ha! I forgot about this one. That was horrifying. I almost fell back into the pool because I could NOT pull myself up that ladder and almost lost my grip. I've been swimming many, many times since then, and I haven't had a single issue. I actually look forward to swimming again. We're going to Chicago in March, and I made sure the hotel has a pool. :)

Postponing getting out of the recliner for a drink or food or a bathroom break for as long as possible because you can't stand the pain in your knees when you get up. Then, you collapse back into the recliner immediately after you take care of whatever need you required, as if you just ran a marathon or something.

This is one of those things where I never thought it would happen to me, but it did, and now it's a distant memory again. I am constantly getting up to get a drink or talk to Brent or go to the bathroom or whatever without a second thought. My knee only bothers me if I worked it too hard the day before, and even then it's not that bad. I remember those days, though, and I'm so grateful I don't feel that way anymore, especially since our new place is three times the size of our old place. ;)

Doing laundry on the last possible day (i.e. running out of socks or underwear) because you can't stand going up and down three flights of stairs.

Ha! I do laundry every week now, sometimes twice if I need a couple things for the weekend. Also, in our old place, you had to go down three short flights of stairs. Our new place has four long flights, there are twice as many stairs (yes, I counted), and they're much steeper. I don't even think about it. It's work, yes, especially with a laundry bag full of clothes, but it's no big deal.

Driving two blocks to your favorite restaurant under the pretense, "It's too cold outside," instead of admitting to your boyfriend you're too embarrassed to walk with him. Why are you too embarrassed? Because even though he won't admit it, he has to slow his pace by 50% to allow you to waddle along next to him. This makes you feel like an invalid, which makes you feel ashamed. You're only 35, for crying out loud. 80-year olds can out-pace you. That's not right.

We walked to the restaurant last night, and I kept pace with him. At one point, I was walking faster. :) Also, I don't waddle anymore, and that's cured a lot of my previous foot issues. I used to over-pronate because I had to walk around my thighs. Now, my feet are straight and my stride is correct.

Eating to make myself feel better

I never do that anymore. Ever. I slipped for two days after Christmas because I was so overwhelmed with stress, but then I got right back to eating correctly and exercising and dropped all ten pounds of Christmas bloat. I'm back to the point where I respect food and I'm almost afraid of it (yes, I know that's a whole new issue) instead of loving it and using it to comfort me. I just cannot and will not be that big again, and I want to be under 300 pounds so badly it hurts.

On that note, Brent is still in bed, so I'm going to head to the gym. :)

Thursday, January 17, 2013

New Workouts

I'm on a new work schedule now, which means I have 1.5 - 2 hours to myself when I get home from work. It's the perfect amount of time to workout in private and then make some dinner for both of us before Brent gets home. We have a really big living room, but I've always been too shy to do the Wii workouts when Brent is home. (I know, I know...)

Anyway, I bought the Gold's Gym dance workout from a used game store a while ago. I tried it last night, and it was a lot of fun, but it didn't have much variety for the songs. It was mostly Latin stuff, which I like, but I wanted popular songs I know and love. Since I did have fun with it, I plan to buy the "Just Dance" series.

The one thing I didn't care for was stopping after every song to review my results and then pick a new song. I like to keep my heart rate up, and even though I was sort of dancing in place (which is hard to do when you're trying to select tiny buttons on the screen), my HRM kept beeping at me. On one hand, it's nice that my recovery rate is speeding up; on the other hand, it's killing my burn!

After 20 minutes of that, I retreated to the bedroom** to try the 20-minute Turbo Jam workout. I like it, but it's not as intense as the regular workout. It IS a really good option for when you're pressed for time and just want to get a quick 150-200 calories burned off, so there is that. I'm not knocking it at all. I think this will be my workout for those days I'm tired/sick/sore and just cannot bring myself to do 45-60 minutes of high-intensity. I figure 20 minutes at low-intensity and 200 calories burned is better than sitting in my recliner burning 0 calories. ;)

I saw another half-pound drop on the scale this morning, which means my body is definitely responding to the exercise and strict food regimen. For several weeks, I'd lose a pound, gain two, lose a pound, gain it right back, etc. I've been in a steady decline all week, though, with a fraction of a pound or a whole pound gone almost every morning. I still have about 1.5 pounds of "wtf holidays wtf?!?" weight to drop, and then it's onto the final decade of the 300s. :)

**Our bedroom doubles as "my room", since Brent has an office. I have a DVD player, weights, and other workout stuff in there.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


Down 0.8 to 312.4. I'll take it. I gained another couple pounds last week, got up to 314-ish, and realized I did NOT want to be stuck at 315 AGAIN. I'm still mad that I got all the way down to 310.4 and then gained a ton of weight over the holidays. Anyway, I tightened up my carbs, and I went to the gym for the first time since - wow - before Christmas. So, I've dropped a couple pounds, but I can't really count them since my last official weigh-in was 313.2. ;)

I've started to realize that I'm one of those people who can't do it through diet alone. Every time I've lost weight successfully, it was because I exercised. As I've said before, I've lost weight "accidentally" three times, and it was because I had increased my activity tenfold. My eating didn't change, but I was probably burning enough calories through dancing and walking and such to make up for it.

Every time I hit one of these stalls or gains, as soon as I start exercising again, the weight starts coming down. I really, really, really cannot afford to be lazy anymore. I need to keep exercising and stick with it. I'm not in a rush to get the weight off, but I AM tired of stalling and losing 1-2 pounds here and there. I want a nice, steady loss every week, even if it's half a pound.

Despite not going to the gym for 3-4 weeks, I was able to do six minutes on the elliptical without a problem. I don't know why I stopped at six. I probably could have gone longer. I was in a nice rhythm. I thought I'd have to start at four minutes all over again since it had been so long, so I was surprised. Maybe I'll try to stay on for ten minutes next time. I obviously have it in me. I just have to stop wussing out. ;)

So, I have two pounds left to get to my lowest of 310.4, and then I need to get to 309 (BMI under 50) and then 307 (50 pounds lost). I feel like I've been stuck in the 310s for-EV-er, and I have, but it's my own damn fault. I got to 318 in mid-October, and I've been waffling my way to 309 ever since.

I have a doctor appointment on Feb 4th. I'm pretty nervous, even though he kept telling me he won't get upset if I don't lose anything, he just doesn't want to see a gain, and he was the person who warned me weight loss with insulin resistance is really darn slow and super frustrating.

Still. He's my doctor, and he was SO excited about my big losses from July to September that now I feel like I'm going to disappoint him with my "measly" four pounds lost. I'm hoping to get another few pounds off by then, but even still, I have a feeling I'm going to blubber all over him. Thank goodness he lost over 100 pounds and understands how much work it is. I'm still paranoid he's going to think I cheated, even though he knows me better than that.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Life Update, Weigh-In, Birthday!

Wow. Lots of things going on today. First of all, it's my birthday! :)

Me, circa 1979

When I woke up, I saw a present and card sitting on top of my laptop. Sneaky Brent!

Secondly, I've managed to lose six pounds of the weight I gained during Christmas, binging, and PMS. I weighed in at 313.2 today. I have to lose another 2.8 pounds to get back to my previous low weight of 310.4. I'm hoping to do that over the next week. I'm still really bummed about that gain, especially since I was only ten pounds away from 300.

On the other hand, I'm excited about today because I'm going to WMU (my alma mater) for some advising. I've decided to go to grad school for library science, a dream of mine since I was a teenager. Long story short, I'm going to WMU to see how close I am to a double-major, as I took a zillion History classes while working on my English major. I also have a few recommended pre-reqs for grad school I want to complete before I apply. I may just take the pre-reqs, but if I only have 3-4 classes left for a second major, I may as well finish that too. (I love being in school, so the idea of taking more classes excites me instead of annoying me.)

This means braces have to wait another year, as I'll be paying for school out-of-pocket, but that's okay. I'll have financial aid for grad school, so I can get braces while I'm working on my MLIS. The MLIS program is online, so if we do end up moving someday, it won't affect school. Wayne State is actually very cool in that they charge in-state tuition for their online program even if you don't live in Michigan. :)

After my advising appointments, I'm just going to hang out at home until Brent gets home from work. He's taking me to Zooroona, my favorite restaurant. They have amazing Middle Eastern food. I always get this salad with almonds and feta, chicken shawarma with this crazy-good garlic paste for dipping/spreading, lentil soup, saffron rice with raisins, and a fruit smoothie. Every bite of their food is full of interesting flavors. I could eat there every day. There's a chance our friends, Beth and Tony, will join us too.

I'm so excited to go back to school, even if I'm not quite as excited about turning 36. ;)

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Quick Update

Thanks to getting myself under control, I've lost five pounds of that awful water gain, and it's only taken me four days! Hopefully, I can drop the other four pounds and break even on Wednesday's weigh-in. I'd be happy to lose even more, though. ;)

We have some pretty fun vacations coming up. I'll probably write more about them later, but right now, I don't have the energy. I'm mostly excited because there's a good chance I'll be under 300 pounds for the first one and 260-270 for the second one. (I don't know why I always make these predictions. My body is fickle, so these predictions never come true, but they are fun to think about.)

Anyway, in March, we're going to Chicago to see KMFDM at the House of Blues. We're going to be much more chill during this trip so we aren't dead on our feet by the time the concert starts. Our only plan for Saturday is a trip to a small museum, dinner, and relaxing in the room. Brent will probably play computer games and watch movies while I go swimming. :)

In July, and I'm completely squee-ing over this, we're taking the California Zephyr to San Francisco to visit our friends, Mikey and Liz. They live SW of the city, in Boulder Creek, so we need to figure out how to split our time throughout the area. We definitely want to see some museums, Alcatraz, the Cubs/Giants game, Napa, and the redwoods. We'll probably stay in the city for a few days and then close to their place for a couple days. Mikey told me they can likely get a few days off as long as he isn't on-call that week, and they'll stay in the city with us. The train ride is 52 hours (over the course of three days), and it's the most scenic of all the routes. I am beyond excited. Seriously.

Courtesy of

This will also be somewhat of a "could we live here?" trip. Albuquerque is our #1 decision because of family and friends (and Brent misses the food), but personally, I would love to live near the ocean, and there's a lot more to do in SF, not to mention a huge variety of jobs, especially in Brent's field (software programmer). So we'll see how this goes.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


In contradiction to my binging entry, I'm able to put up two NSVs today.

Back in October, I posted that I could finally put the armrest down at the movie theatre. It was still tight, but it was down.

When we went to see The Hobbit on Sunday, not only could I put the armrest down, it wasn't tight at all. I actually had some wiggle room to move in my seat to snuggle with Brent, bend over to put my phone in my purse, and so on. It fit comfortably, like I wasn't overweight at all. It was a nice, "normal" feeling.


Today was my annual eye appointment. The last time I saw the eye doctor was late November 2011, and then I went back in early January 2012 to pick up my frames. Both times, I was unable to sit in the waiting room chairs. They're really nice chairs with wooden frames, and I had to sit on the edge since the arms were too tight.

When the doctor called me in for my exam, I started to sit in the chair and realized it wasn't wide enough. He moved one of the armrests out of the way and very kindly said, "Here, let me make this a bit more comfortable for you," with absolutely zero judgement in his voice. I still felt horrible, though. That moment became one of many moments on the List of Why I'm Doing This.

I was a bit excited about going today because I've been really into this whole "Test All the Chairs!" thing. Every time we go somewhere we haven't been in a while, I get both nervous and excited during those few seconds before I sit down. Sometimes the chairs are still tight, but not as tight, and sometimes I fit just fine. Brent kind of smirks (in an amused, not mean, way) when he notices me wiggling between the armrests or checking to see if my belly has more room in a booth.

So, when I walked in, I gave the office manager my name, took my coat off, and headed straight for a chair. I sat down like I had every right in the world to sit there, and I fit just fine! It wasn't even tight. I could feel the armrests against my legs, but it wasn't uncomfortable at all; I just noticed them there. I felt so proud.

Then, when I went into the exam room, I sat in the exam chair before he could offer to move the armrest. Again, I fit just fine. It was a bit tight, but he didn't say anything or offer to move it. I was comfortable enough; it wasn't digging in, just kind of tight, like new jeans.

When he asked if I was on any new medication, I mentioned the metformin. I noticed a slight change in his poker face before he went back to neutral, and I quickly mentioned I don't have diabetes, just insulin resistance. (It is very important for an eye doctor to know if you have diabetes, so I knew he was just concerned, not judging me.) He asked, "Any other changes in health," and I was pleased to say, "Yes, I've lost nearly fifty pounds." He asked how long it had taken, and I told him about seven or eight months. He nodded and said, "Good. That's a healthy pace."

My eye test itself was fine. He noticed my astigmatism has adjusted a slight bit (the angle, not the severity), and then he told me I actually have 20/15 vision, and that's why it takes me a second to focus when I put my glasses on, since glasses correct to 20/20. He said without the astigmatism, I'd have A+ eyesight. I preened a little. :)

Side Note: my boyfriend, who is 38-years old, has 20/15 vision and probably won't need glasses until he's in his sixties. You all have permission to be wicked jealous of him.

Anyway, after we finished the usual stuff, he said, "We're going to do a new test today since you've entered the bifocal age range." I wish I had a picture of my face because he smiled and said, "Your vision is fine; we just have to do all of the required tests to be absolutely sure. You probably won't need them until you're 65." That made me relax a little, but BIFOCAL AGE RANGE?!? It made me feel so old. ;)

I actually really like bifocals, though. I know you can get them without the visible lines now, but when I do need them, I'll probably leave the lines on. They always make me think of librarians, and I think they look classy. Maybe I'm just weird.


I have been absolutely horrible with my food for the past week. I did my best with Christmas, such as making eggs instead of eating what my parents had for breakfast (brown sugar covered bacon and donuts), but then we had things like this AMAZING chicken spinach lasagna and Asiago toast. I'm not supposed to eat too many carbs or too much sugar because of my insulin resistance, and after a couple days of that, my body was right back to where it was: the hunger, the cravings, the lethargy.

It just kept building and building and building. I've caught myself binging this past week. Even in the middle of a binge, I knew I was binging, but I'd just keep shoving food into my mouth.

I don't want to do this.

Part of the reason was that we hadn't gone shopping before we left for Christmas, so I didn't have any of my low-carb stuff in the house when we came home. I didn't want to go shopping because I was so tired, so I just ate a bunch of snacks and cereal. That was poor planning on my part. We restocked this past weekend, and I started bringing my usual food to work so I wouldn't have to buy cafe food or walk to the McDonald's next door. At night, however, it creeps in again. I did fine on New Year's Eve, but then a friend came over and we ordered Chinese food. Then yesterday, I did fine at work again, but I ate the rest of the crackers and cheese spread from New Year's Eve. At least, now, all of the crappy food is out of the house.

I haven't done this since May or June, so I'm not sure of the reason. I feel stressed/depressed, and I haven't been able to put my finger on why. I need to get back to the gym and re-condition myself to exercise when I'm upset rather than eat. I think the binging made me stressed, which led to more binging, amusingly enough. And then my insulin resistance kicks in and makes me hungry, which leads to more binging, and so on. But now I'm getting it back under control.

Part of me thinks it might have been the stress of the weight loss on top of everything else. Sometimes I feel so much pressure to put up a loss every week or two, and I'm so close to 300. Even though I am VERY proud of how far I've come, I hate being stuck around 310. It's like I needed a break, a week of eating at maintenance, a week where I didn't count calories or wear a heart rate monitor. I know that sounds irresponsible, and it is, but I'm human. I'm sure that, even at goal weight, I'm going to have another week where I just want to eat a ton of horrible food. I'm sure it will happen before then, even. So, I need to develop the tools (again) to stop it in its tracks.

It's the week before my period, so I can't really tell if the extra weight is from that or the binging or both. I know I haven't gone over maintenance, so I'm sure it's all water weight (especially since my clothes still fit the same - my jeans are actually loose). The problem is the scale said 318 after spending a couple weeks at 310, so my eyes practically fell out of my head this morning. That's a LOT of water weight to lose over the next week or two. But, since I usually gain 5-6 pounds before my period, I know most of it will come off. I just have to go back to my plan to get the rest of it off and keep going down, down, down.

My consolation is that pretty much everyone I know ate at maintenance between Christmas and New Year's Day, so we're all dealing with an increase (or no loss at all). So I guess if I was going to lose my mind, this was the perfect week for it. I don't feel so alone. ;)
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