As I was modeling some new clothes in the mirror the other day, proud of my progress and finally excited about shopping for new clothes, I remembered this blog post.
When I read it, I was amused that I'd written it exactly one year beforehand.
Now, I didn't hit my goal of 265 by Thanksgiving, like it mentions, but that's okay. That's before I started struggling, only to find out I have insulin resistance and had to change my entire lifestyle. It also causes very, very, very slow weight loss. So, while I didn't make that goal, it's not a big deal. "Normal" people can lose 8-10 pounds per month, but I am not normal and lose approximately 3-6 pounds per month, sometimes 1-2.
But that doesn't matter.
What IS a big deal and what REALLY matters is that I don't feel like I did during that blog entry!
In that blog entry, I was really upset that I had to lose another 50 pounds to still feel horrible, and that made me very sad. I mentioned that I'd still feel and look disgustingly fat at 290, so those 50 pounds wouldn't even matter.
This is not true! I think I look nice, maybe even borderline cute some days, and that's because I dress to fit my body. I still have to cover my upper arms because they look like the Michelin Man, but I play up my waist-to-hip ratio (which is just nuts) and wear lots of fun jewelry with colors and clothes that complement me.
The reason I looked so "disgustingly fat" at 290 was because that was my heaviest at the time, and I was severely depressed. I wore a lot of black, shapeless clothes and didn't wear makeup or jewelry. In the two pictures where I made an effort, I looked much better, even though I was the same weight.
Now that I'm happy about my weight loss and dress accordingly, I look much thinner at 295 now than I did when I weighed 295 then. Much, much thinner.
Another reason I was happy to remember and read that post is that it proves that you cannot give up and cannot give in. A year will go by SO quickly, and hey - there's 60-100 pounds gone, just like that! If I had given up when I'd written that blog post, I'd still be 340-ish pounds, maybe even more. I'd still be huge. I'd still be depressed. I couldn't have done a lot of the things I've done during the past year.
Instead, I weigh 295 pounds, and I'm extremely proud of myself. :) I can do more and do it for longer periods of time. Thanks to buckling down during "Ass-Kicking April", I feel strong and awesome, even though I'm still morbidly obese. I look forward to exercising and use it to deal with stress instead of turning to food.
When I watch TV at night, I get bored because I'm not eating and don't know what to do with my hands, so I haven't watched as much TV. I've been shopping around for an elliptical so I can exercise while catching up with the DVR. I would have told you you were on crack if you'd told me I'd say this a year ago.
Also, I hate sitting still! I never thought I'd say that. I couldn't even get out of my recliner without severe pain when I wrote that blog post, and now I can walk three miles at a 3.5 mph pace without losing my breath or feeling tired. As soon as I can get that up to 4 mph, I'm going to start "Couch to 5K".
Please don't give up. Don't let your brain win this fight. Keep going, keep going, keep going. You will have bad days. You will have bad weeks. Do. Not. Give. Up. It doesn't matter how long it takes to come off, as long as it comes off. Every pound, every inch, every binge-free day, every minute of exercise - those are victories. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and if your brain tries to whisper those thoughts late at night, tell it to STFU.