Goodbye, Oz

I never thought I'd be writing this journal entry. Not for many years, anyway.

It's been a long five days of mourning a friend's passing. He was only 30 years old. Most kept vigil at the hospital while he was in a coma, waiting to see if the brain swelling went down; I kept a brave face at work because my schedule meant I couldn't drive over to spend time there (and, I'm ashamed to admit, I didn't want to see him like that - please don't judge me). His family decided it would be best to let him go, as his conditioned worsened and any kind of "recovery" would have meant a persistent vegetative state. Everyone knew he wouldn't want that.

He passed away around 11:05 Saturday night, a whopping 23 hours after the breathing tube was removed (stubborn to the end - that's Oz). I cried on and off Thursday and Friday while waiting for news, and I thought I'd made my peace, but Saturday night, when it was really, truly over, the floodgates opened. Thankfully, several of us had gathered at Beth and Tony's, and we were able to drink in his honor and comfort each other before everyone finally went to sleep. It ended with brunch Sunday morning. They were so kind to open their home to everyone and provide us with alcohol, board games, space to sleep, and brunch. Nobody really wanted to leave each other's company. It made the emptiness of his passing feel a little less raw.

He fell down his basement stairs. He was probably playing computer games and decided to go upstairs to get a drink, or use the bathroom, or get a snack - things people do every single night and take for granted. I've already gone over all of the "what if"s. What if he hadn't needed a drink? What if he hadn't been hungry? What if he'd been out with friends or on the phone instead? What if he'd had to work that night?

I finally decided to stop torturing myself and let it rest.

Freak accidents like this remind us that we should never, ever let anger persist. My last words to him weren't out of love, but out of anger, and I will never have a chance to apologize and tell him how much I really do love him. My pride got in the way, and I will never get that chance again. I always tell my family I love them when I hang up or when I leave their house; I need to do this with friends as well. It is so scary, these reminders that life can be cut short, too short, sometimes.

Ozzie was a huge part of my life for several years. We had our ups and downs, the normal "former couple trying to be friends" stuff, but ultimately, he was a kind soul and meant so much to me. Even though we were both SO temperamental around each other at times, I now realize it was out of love, not hatred. He loved his friends so fully and completely and had such passion. I still cannot believe he's gone. I don't know if I'll ever really accept it, and I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for the last words I ever spoke to him. I needed some distance, but I didn't mean forever.

I've been talking to him in spirit; I hope he can hear me.

Weigh-ins, Workouts, & Measurements

Wow, it's been two weeks.

I've been experimenting with the idea of a monthly weigh-in, given my insulin resistance and tendency to pack it on during TOM. So, I haven't been around for a while, but I've also forgotten to update.

I've been doing really great on the exercise front. I used to get lazy about it in the past because it was so hard for me, but now I look forward to it! It's kind of crazy, but I've become one of those people. I've been incorporating a weight routine every other day and walking and/or dancing on the "off" days (to give my muscles a chance to recover), and it's paying off BIG time. :) I feel stronger, healthier, and more energetic.

I took new measurements the other day, and I've lost an inch off my chest and an inch off my waist in the past 2-3 weeks. My pants are falling off, and my shirts are pretty blousy. I can't quite wear a 2X shirt yet, thanks to my amazingly huge booty, but I have some that are almost okay. I can put them on, but they're obviously too tight. I did, however, wear a 2X t-shirt to work yesterday. I was happy that it finally fit, but I refuse to say I'm officially a 2X since not a single 2X in my closet fits yet.

I'll have my next weigh-in in two weeks, on May 10. We shall see what that week brings. :) My weight has been dropping slowly and staying kind of static, but I know that's just because my muscles are retaining water to repair. Additionally, when people lose weight and don't exercise, they often lose lean body mass along with fat. By working my muscles and maintaining them, my weight is staying about the same, due to the glycogen and water retention, but my measurements are changing. So, it's not that I'm building muscle (which you can't do in a calorie deficit); I'm simply maintaining it. And, as we all know, muscle is more dense than fat and can screw up the scale. That's why it's so incredibly important to take measurements every month along with your weigh-ins. Do not rely on the scale alone.

My workout schedule:

Monday - "The Firm" (aerobic workout with weights)
Tuesday - walk
Wednesday - "The Firm"
Thursday - "Just Dance" (Wii game)
Friday - rest day
Saturday - "The Firm"
Sunday - walk and/or "Just Dance"

"The Firm" has multiple volumes, but I tend to do the same two (the ones that are the hardest). I told you I've been crazy lately. ;)

In addition to that, I've been walking during my lunch break at work again. The weather is finally nice enough to do this almost every day. I get 45 minutes for lunch, so I walk for 30 and use the other 15 to cool down, get a drink, and check Facebook, etc. I don't walk very fast, since I don't want to get all sweaty, but I burn about 200 calories, and it relieves some stress in the middle of the day. It's great. :) Also, since I use MapMyWalk, I can see that my walk speed has increased quite a bit. Last fall, my "fast" walk was about 2.6 mph. Now, my "fast" walk is closer to 3.8 mph. Incredible!

Weigh-in

Down a pound to 299 but still not back to my low of 297. I have to lose about a pound and a half to get back there.

Considering I was out of town for work all week, I'll take it. I ate like a pig a couple nights because I was stressed and never really know what to do when I'm alone and missing Brent and the kitties, but I was on my feet all day and used the fitness room at night, so that more than likely made up for it. I didn't increase my calories to make up for being on my feet all day (teachers burn more calories than someone with a desk job), and when I look back at my logs, I didn't eat nearly as much as I thought I had. Plus, it was a lot of fruit and meat, so yay me.

Now that I'm home, I'm back into the swing of things. Luckily, I have today off since I left for Indianapolis on Sunday. They let me take today off to make up for it instead of counting it as overtime. So, three-day weekend equals getting back into the groove, running errands, and hoping this weather improves so I can go for more walks. We're supposed to get a rain/snow mix tonight and freezing rain tomorrow. Yuck. I'd been meaning to incorporate my weight training videos into my routine, though, so I guess being stuck inside gives me a good excuse.

It was 80 and stormy in Indy all week, but it was 40 and rainy up here. The 40-degree difference was kind of strange, considering I was only three hours south, but that was a weird storm that brought all kinds of weather to the Midwest. Indy got a ton of golf ball-sized hail; luckily, our car wasn't hit. The worst part of the storm missed us. But it was weird seeing leaf buds on all of the trees and flowers springing up everywhere, and then I came home and everything is still "asleep". The crocuses are up, though, and the dots of blue/purple in our flower beds and lawn are pretty.

The kitties are so happy to have me home that I feel kind of guilty for running errands. I'm such a sucker for a furry face. :)

We are busy busy busy planning our trip to San Francisco. It's just under two months away, and we've been discussing activities/schedules with our friends out there. M is taking the whole week off so he can hang out with us, but his girlfriend, L, has classes Mon - Thurs. Her schedule is completely insane; she has 21 credit hours. So we're trying to plan stuff that she doesn't really care about during her class periods and saving stuff she loves, like the Winchester House, for Sunday.

They live south of the city, closer to Santa Cruz, so we're going to do a bunch of stuff in San Jose and head to the beach and so on. I know the boys really want to see the Computer History Museum. She's going to take Thursday off, though, so we can head up Wednesday night and spend Thursday and Friday in the city before leaving on Saturday. The "city" plans include Monterey Bay Aquarium, Alcatraz, visiting the Haight & Ashbury area, and heading to Napa to drink wine.

I keep finding all of these different things I want to see and do, and I just have to remember that whatever we don't see/do while there, we can always see/do once we live there. :)

Watery Weigh-in

Oh. My. Word.

Well, I'm not 302 anymore, but I'm still up this morning. 300.2, to be exact.

As I said in my last entry, this isn't surprising, but it's definitely irritating. My boots were suuuuuuper tight when I zipped them up this morning, and my belly is poofy like when I bloat during PMS, so I need to keep drowning myself in water and green tea and pray I get back to 297 at some point. Seeing that "3" on the scale again is so annoying, especially since I thought I'd be close to 290 by now.

Oh well. It's not like I could help being sick, but I should know better than to eat Chinese food the night before weigh-in. :-P

On the other hand, whenever I post weigh-ins, the "suggested posts" at the bottom of my entry tend to show previous weigh-ins. Even if I'm a little depressed about the current one, it always makes me feel better to see the little number icons that say "312" or "335" at the bottom. Instead of feeling sort of down, I perk up right away because I think, "At least I'm not there anymore." It also shows me how far I've come. :)

-=-

Thank you for all of your good health wishes. I do feel much better now, so I'm glad I rode it out instead of paying to see the doctor. It cleared up yesterday, and I feel 100% back to normal today.

I totally had a dance party in my room last night. Brent went to see the new Evil Dead movie, so I turned on my blue light bulb and cranked up the dance music. Brent is hardly ever gone in the evening, like almost never, so I always get pretty excited when he leaves and I can act like a crack monkey. I danced around for about an hour, so I'm counting that as my workout.

I'm working the 7:00 shift today. I wanted to kill someone when my alarm went off at 5:30, but this is actually pretty nice (now that I'm caffeinated). I like being here before 95% of the office arrives, and it will be awesome to leave at 3:30 when the others are still stuck here. ;)

Oh, Hell

I couldn't figure out why my scale has been up a few pounds all week. It's been hovering between 300 and 302. Unacceptable.

Since I've been sick all week, I did a little research. Apparently, infections can cause water retention, as your body uses the water to help white blood cells move to the area faster. Additionally, NSAIDs (like ibuprofen) also cause water retention. I won't get into the explanation for that because it's a lot of scientific gobbledy-gook that people probably don't care about.

Regardless, I have been battling a sinus infection since Saturday, and I've been taking NyQuil, Advil Congestion, and Mucinex Sinus in varying doses (sometimes combined) since then. All three of those have NSAIDs in them. Oh, and let's not forget all that extra mucous. I'm sure it only accounted for, like, 1/16 of a pound, but it felt like eight pounds. ;)

Given the cocktail of medicine + infection, I'm surprised I didn't gain MORE weight this week.

Anyway, I'm feeling much better today, so I didn't take anything this morning. I drank some green tea and water, and I'm having more water tonight. Hopefully, I can flush out the extra water during the next couple of days. (She says, as she eats Chinese food...wtf?) Tomorrow's weigh-in is going to suuuuuuuuuuuck, but at least I know why. Phew!

I'm still exercising every night, so I hope next week's weigh-in is much better. I leave for Indianapolis on Sunday, and I'm training people at the Indianapolis office Monday through Thursday. Luckily, my hotel room has a fridge, stove, and microwave, so I don't have to worry about eating out all week. Additionally, they have a fitness room and pool. My swimsuit is WAY too big, so I'm going to have to get a new one this weekend. I'm not thrilled about paying for a new swimsuit at the very beginning of swimming season ($$$$), but that's what I get for forgetting to order one online. :-P At least, this way, I can try them on. Plus-size swimsuits tend to be WAY too big in the bust. (What is up with plus size clothing manufacturers assuming I have 46G breasts?)

In other news, I've been thinking about getting a BodyBugg because I've had it with all the guess work. I've heard really good things about them from other people on MFP.

Keeping At It

I felt even worse when I got home last night, but I still managed to workout for 40 minutes. My sinuses were on fire, and they were super-drippy (sorry), but I kept plugging away and grabbed a tissue whenever I needed one. I felt horrible the entire time, but I made a promise to myself, and I intend to keep it.

I leave for Indianapolis on Sunday and have to train people all next week, so I HAVE to be better by Sunday. I feel much better today than I did yesterday, so maybe it's going away. /crosses fingers I hope this is the last of the winter crud. Brent got me sick with the worst case of bronchitis I've ever had in mid-February, then he caught it back from me as I got over it, and now he's sick and getting me sick again. Three times for him and twice for me, all in the span of six weeks. Screw that. It needs to be spring RIGHT NOW.

Of course, spring means more allergies and the resulting upper respiratory infection that I get every April or May, so maybe I just need to go live in a bubble until they figure out a miracle cure for allergies. ;) This sucks.

Ass-Kicking April

I'm borrowing a term from Alizey. This will be "Ass-Kicking April". I have become way too lax in my exercise and eating habits, and I have to get back on-track. No excuses. None.

I will:

-Exercise every day, unless I am sick with a fever, bronchitis, and/or the flu
-Watch my sodium intake (under 2000)
-Make sure I drink 8-10 glasses of water every day. If my sodium is too high, I will drink 11-12.
-Watch my carbs. I have been so lazy here. It's no wonder I'm not losing right now. It is imperative I eat like a diabetic so I don't end up there. Insulin resistance can turn into Type 2 Diabetes, and I will be so mad if I lose all this weight only to end up diabetic anyway.
-Incorporate strength training to assist with metabolism and overall awesomeness

I started last night and was very proud of myself. Even though I'm sick with some kind of sinus/allergy thing, it's not in my chest, so I'm in no danger of making myself worse. Oh, it sucked hardcore - don't get me wrong - but I did it. Breathing, even through my mouth, felt like I was breathing fire, but I still did it. I wish I could shove an ice pack into my nasal cavity and throat because they still feel fiery today. If I could snort ice cream, I would, just for a few seconds of relief. I hope this goes away soon.

Anyway, in the past, I would have skipped my workout because of the sinus pain, but I figured I could either lay in bed and be in pain or workout and be in pain. I chose to workout since I knew I'd be in pain no matter what. I played "Just Dance 3" and experimented with some new songs after dancing to my usual favorites. I forgot to wear my HRM, but the clock showed I'd been working out for around 40-50 minutes, so I figured I burned around 500 calories. I hate not wearing my HRM because I like to know exactly how long I've been working out and exactly how hard I'm working, so I made a mental note to put it on top of my Wii so I don't forget tonight.

Now that my knee pain is gone, it's been easier to get down on the floor and back up. I can do squats too. I feel so free. I'm not moving as easily as I did when I was younger and thinner, but it is so nice to be able to do things "normal" people do, like scrub the floor really well instead of using a mop (which misses the corners) or put together a TV stand like I did last weekend. I can also bend all the way over when I need to reach something near the floor or tie my shoes, whereas that would have left me breathless before (and I couldn't squat down on one knee because my knee pain prevented me from getting back up).

Anyway, now that my knees are so much better, I can do the full "Firm" workout again. These tapes (yes, tapes) are from the 80s. I know I've talked about them before. They incorporate aerobics with weights, and they are a great workout, despite their age. They kept me in shape during high school and helped me lose the 40 pounds I gained during my second year of college. I'm excited to put them into the rotation because I feel this will be the turning point in my weight loss. It will also ensure that as the fat melts away, I'll have a beautiful shape underneath.

So, here's to ass-kicking!