Saturday, June 30, 2012

Busy, Busy, Busy

We have been so busy this week. After we moved in, we had a zillion things to deal with, and that's been consuming all of my energy this week.

Thankfully, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief after work today. I don't have to be back at work until next Thursday. Yay! :)

When I got home, Brent had unpacked 90% of the kitchen. He also picked up quite a few things we needed: extension cords, a bathroom rug, tap lights for the stairway and garage, floor mats for the entry ways and kitchen, and so on.

While he finished up the kitchen, I sorted the boxes into the remaining rooms and started unpacking the books and placing pictures in various areas. It already felt like home, but once I saw the books and pictures and such, it really solidified that feeling. We still need to finish putting up curtains, and I have a TON of laundry to do, but that's why I have four days off.

Having laundry in the basement is wonderful. We had a laundry room at our old place, but we had to share it with the building, and the machines took quarters. These machines are just a regular washer/dryer, and they belong to us. Our downstairs neighbors have their own machines on their side of the divided basement (and both sides of the basement have a ton of storage space - too bad the basement is so freaking scary).

I'll post pictures once we have everything finished, or at least close to finished.


One of the best things to come of this is that I've been sharing a bed with Brent again. In our old place, I slept on the spare bed in the living room (the only spot we had for it) because his snoring kept me up all night. I noticed he didn't keep me up when we visited other people, so I figured it was something wrong with our bed. I've been really bummed about it because we bought a king size bed when he moved in, and it was pretty depressing that he'd moved all this way and we couldn't share a comfy bed.

When we moved in here, I was so tired that night (and scared to sleep alone because it was a new house), that I curled up in bed with him. I passed out and got the best night of sleep I've had in a long time. That continued throughout the week. I haven't even made up the spare bed yet.

Brent thinks I couldn't sleep in our old place because we had 50,000 people making noise, no matter how small the noise, and I would wake up a zillion times per night because I'm such a light sleeper. That doesn't explain why his snoring kept me up there and not here, but he thinks maybe he's sleeping a lot deeper too. He likes our new place much better, and a less stressed Sarah means a less stressed Brent.

This also explains why I slept with him just fine at other people's houses. They're actual houses, so that means no noisy neighbors on all sides of us.

Whatever the reason, I'll take it. I hope this continues. I like laying in bed watching movies and TV with him, and I like waking up with him. I always felt so awful saying goodnight when he went into the bedroom. Separate beds are okay sometimes, like when I'm sick or I need to wake up super early for my Saturday shift, but I'm not okay with it as a habit.


Couch shopping tomorrow! I'm excited. :) We're going to have it delivered so we don't have to haul it up those steep spiral stairs. Moving into this place was hell because of those stairs, so we're going to pay the nice furniture dudes to bring it up. ;)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012


Woohoo. I weighed in this morning since I always weigh myself in the morning. Last night was a big "whoosh", but I know I'm always heavier at the end of the day (like everyone else on the planet).

Today, I came in at 336.7. :-D Not only am I finally over the 342 plateau, I'm also under 340... quite a bit under 340.

I drank tons of water while moving everything the past few days, so I don't know if it's one of those "fake" water weight whooshes or an actual whoosh. Maybe it's a delayed whoosh since I didn't have a whoosh when I started losing weight several weeks ago.

(Whoosh is a funny word when you say it that often.)

Monday, June 25, 2012


The freaking scale finally moved!

Three days of working my tail off and chugging water really helped.

I just weighed in at 337.7, and that's at the END of the day. It'll be interesting to see where I am tomorrow morning.

Regardless, IT MOVED!

Saturday, June 23, 2012


I'm at work today, so Brent said he would paint the bedroom. It's the last room to paint; I did the other two. He offered since I was dead tired and overwhelmed. He also cleaned out the storage closet and packed all of his stuff before I got home last night. Awesome. :)

This will allow me to focus on the rest of the packing tonight (there's very little left), and then I can spend all day tomorrow cleaning as much as possible. I want to get it clean to the point that all I have to do on Monday is sweep and wash the floors, which will be super easy once everything is moved out.

I don't know if Brent's ever painted before, but it's just primer. He knows how to take curtain rods down, and he can figure out a stupid paint roller and brush. I need to trust him more. I'm sure I'll be pleased when I walk in the door later and see the bedroom is finished. I need to give up some of my control freak-ish-ness. I always take on way too much work and end up tired/overwhelmed/cranky. I've always had issues accepting help from people, even when they're begging to help out.

Update: Not only did he do a smashing job with the primer, he also packed up most of the bedroom and the rest of the bathroom, took the (empty/dry) paint cans to the dumpster, and reattached the original shower head (we'd installed a hand-held shower head last summer). This was all accomplished in four hours. That man has more energy than a ferret.


My scale came down a pound this morning. Heh. I will never understand body weight and its inconsistencies. Anyway, I need to stop worrying about the ups and downs. I put on some underwear this morning that has always been SUPER tight. It's sort of a cross between boy short and hipster, almost like those tighty-whities boys wear. I bought them by accident (they were folded in with the hi-cuts at Lane Bryant). I always had issues getting them on, so they were in the bottom of my dresser drawer. They'd always cut into my thighs, and they were tight in the hips.

Well, when I pulled them out of the drawer this morning, they went right on and didn't feel tight at all. I didn't even realize which pair I'd grabbed until I caught myself in the mirror and thought, "HEY! These are the tight ones!" I hadn't worn them in a few weeks, so it was a nice NSV. :) Even my new jeans are starting to fit a little better.

Again, I will never understand body weight. I know I'm not gaining any muscle since I haven't been doing strength exercises, so I don't know how the scale can go up and down while my body is shrinking. Maybe I carry water weight in weird areas or something. :-P

Friday, June 22, 2012


I came down to 342 a week ago. Still 342 every day. Then, yesterday, I weighed in at 340.6. Yay! Coming down again!

This morning?


I tried to analyze what's different. On Wednesday, I painted the living room and moved furniture and boxes around. It was 97 and humid, so I was sweating buckets. Since I was painting, I had to have the windows open, and it felt like someone had stuck a blow dryer near the screen. I stopped every half-hour to drink an entire 20-ounce glass of water while I sat by the A/C. I didn't want to die of heat stroke.

So, when I weighed in on Thursday, I had burned calories, sweat umpteen gallons of water, and drank about a million ounces of water. I ate about 1700 calories on Wednesday, which was easy since the heat killed my appetite.

Yesterday, I didn't work as hard, so I didn't sweat as much. I also didn't drink as much water. Plus, we had Chinese food for dinner. BOOM. Weight back on.

Lesson learned: DRINK YOUR WATER


I'm having a major issue with my feet right now. I went for a walk on Monday night, and my left foot was sore across the top as usual. I walked Tuesday night and then stood around packing stuff for a few hours. On Wednesday, I could hardly stand, but I did anyway since I had to paint. Same on Thursday. Now I have a ton of pain around my ankles, heels, and the outside of my feet. It feels like someone put shackles on my feet because that's where most of the pain is. I have GOT to learn some foot stretches and get fit for the proper shoes and inserts. I love walking - it's my favorite exercise - and I don't want to give it up. Plus, I need to be able to walk for everyday stuff like, you know, work. And living.

I can do other stuff until my feet heal, but there isn't a lot that doesn't involve standing. I wish I had a pool. I'd swim every day. ;)

Anyway, this just makes it even more imperative I watch my diet like a hawk and make sure I get all of my water. I'm so scared the scale won't move again. I don't want to be at a plateau already. :(

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Conversation This Evening

Sarah (packing the kitchen): "I swear to god... when we move to Illinois or California, we are selling everything. I'm not doing this again."

Brent (staring at Diablo): "Okay."

Sarah: "Seriously. Anything sentimental can be shipped ahead or put in my car, but everything else goes. We'll buy all new stuff at Target and Ikea."

Brent: "Okay."

Sarah: "I have four cheese graters, three pizza cutters, at least seven lids that don't belong to any pots or pans, two corkscrews, eighteen spatulas, three stock pots... this is stupid. I'm not packing all of this again. As soon as we move, I'm making up a ton of boxes for Goodwill. We don't need multiple spatulas."

Brent: *spoons cereal into mouth and stares at Diablo*

Sarah: "Are you listening?"

Brent: "You're bringing the pizza cutters and spatulas to Goodwill. We'll get more furniture in Chicago."

Sarah: "Close enough."

Moving Early

Our landlords called today and said our new place will be ready at the end of the day Sunday. They asked if we'd like to move in a few days early.

Um, yes!

We're moving next Monday. Brent got the day off from work, and I worked some magic to get my shift covered so I could take a vacation day. Thank goodness I have an extra day off this week. Maybe I was psychic or something, because I really need it. I have to finish the rest of the packing, and then I have to paint the living room, breakfast nook, and bedroom with primer. I was nice and offered to do that since they were kind enough to give me permission to paint. They're supplying the primer, so it's a win-win. Good thing I saved my rollers and brushes.

My friend, Beth, is coming over Wednesday to help with whatever I need. I know how much she hates painting, so I might put her in charge of keeping the TV tuned to dramatic shows like "Bridezillas" and maybe have her do little things like hand me power tools as I remove the curtain rods or wipe down the shelves in the cupboards. I hate asking people for help, so I always give them these totally b.s. jobs when they offer, which is kind of silly, but whatever.

Beth is also helping us move on Monday, provided she doesn't get called into work. Kae took the day off too (any excuse to get away from the office, she said), so we should be pretty set. I told Tony (Beth's husband) to drop by after work since we'll still be hanging out and will probably order Chinese take-out for dinner. Kae loves helping me unpack, and she's been part of pretty much every move, so she's going to help me get the immediate stuff unpacked and sorted while Brent hooks up the electronics and all that nonsense.

Today was a flurry of emails and phone calls as I coordinated everything. I had to change the hook-up dates for all of our services and change my address pretty much everywhere since all of my online bill payments come out around the same time.

I'm so excited! Exhausted and overwhelmed, but excited!


My weight is still being stubborn, so I grabbed the measuring tape. I've lost nearly two inches off my stomach (dude!) and one inch off my underbust (bra strap). I also entered a few more measurements into my spreadsheet since I hadn't been tracking those. I knew the weight was coming off somewhere since my clothes are getting more comfortable, so now I'm going to pay more attention to my upper body (where I lose weight first) whenever the scale pisses me off. I can see my cheekbones again too, and my shoulders have a bit more definition.

I think I'm going to start incorporating upper body strength workouts. I want to sculpt my bingo wings so they look hot once all the extra fat comes off. I had some pretty decent guns in high school.

I wasn't even flexing.

This picture is also evidence that I will still have some serious junk in the trunk once I hit my goal weight. ;) One of my SCA friends always used to say I have a "natural bustle".

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Oh. Duh.

I'm an idiot.

That magical, weird weight gain? Probably water. I noticed my breasts have been heavy and super-painfully sensitive the past few days. I was so confused, and then - facepalm - oh yeah. PMS usually does those things.

Unlike other people, I rarely have a period. I have PCOS, and PCOS combined with my obesity means I go months without a period. I haven't had once since last July. I'd been on birth control in the past to help regulate my hormones and give me a period, but BCPs turn me into a velociraptor some days and a crying, inconsolable, food-binging emo wreck the other days. No, thank you. So, I stopped taking them last July. (Coincidentally, that's when I stopped gaining weight at an alarming rate too. Thanks a lot, extra estrogen and insatiable cravings.)

I'll take the occasional, waxable mustache and no periods over feeling pregnant, thanks.

Anyway, I don't know if I'm about to get my period or what, but that would certainly explain why my jeans are getting loose but my weight is still up. I feel like I've gained five pounds in my breasts alone. I'm sorry if that's TMI, but they hurt.

Hopefully, this will all resolve itself, and I'll have a nice big whoosh of weight loss in a week or two.

Also, I just downloaded a spreadsheet that someone on MFP made. It makes tracking calories and exercise much easier because I can see my entire week and month at a glance. It's a lot easier to "bank" calories for future splurges, like going out with friends on my day off, and it's easier to see how much exercising affects everything. I can also track my inches and body fat percentage. I am a spreadsheet whore, so this is right up my alley. I'm still using MFP to track my food during the day, but then I plug that number and my exercise into my spreadsheet.

My thighs are not 0". I forgot to measure them. I'll fix that right now.

I went for a 40-minute walk last night and burned just as many calories as I do when I do Turbo Jam for 40 minutes. I like walking better, for the most part, since I like being outside and can listen to whatever music I want. I'll probably save Turbo Jam for rainy days, winter, and when I'm feeling incredibly hyper and a walk isn't going to cut it.

I was feeling pretty energized last night and almost jogged a little, but then I noticed my heart rate was already 160, and I didn't want to push it (it was VERY hot and humid last night). No sense in trying for a heart attack. ;) Maybe I'll try a bit of jogging when the weather cools down. I really would like to do a 5K someday, even though the farthest I've ever "run" is two miles (and I walked half of that). I was 14 years old and 130 pounds, so yeah... totally not the same.

Friday, June 15, 2012


342 on the dot. Bleh. Down four pounds from last week's water surge, but two pounds above my previous low weight of 339.8. Hopefully, I'll be back to 339 next Friday.

I've been reading a lot about TDEE calculators on MFP. MFP tells me to eat 1840 calories per day to lose two pounds per week. TDEE tells me to eat more like 2300 calories. I have no idea which system to believe, and there are multiple heated arguments about it on MFP. Rawr. I'm so confused.

Back in 2008, I lost about 30 pounds over the summer, and all I did was switch to diet soda, stop binging, and walk for an hour almost every night. I wish I had a record of how many calories I ate, because whatever it was seemed to be my magic number. I don't remember cutting my portions by a lot, and I still ate out every so often. I know I used FitDay for a while, so I'll see if I can dig up my old diary. Once I stopped walking, I maintained my weight for a few months, but then it started piling on when I went back to drinking regular soda and binging. Again, whatever that calorie intake was seemed to be the magic number.

It's all so confusing, and I feel like I don't have time to experiment. I want the weight gone NOW, and that means losing 1-2 pounds per week. If I spend a few weeks eating the wrong calories and don't see a loss, I'll feel like I wasted a month. A month isn't that big of a deal in the big picture, but it is to me because the sooner this weight is gone (safely), the better.

Maybe I should stop worrying about numbers and just go back to my laissez-faire attitude from 2008. I wasn't even trying to lose weight back then. I'd switched to diet soda because I was totally addicted to Diet Squirt and Diet Mountain Dew, I wasn't binging because I was broke and couldn't afford extra food, and I walked every night because I was going through a nervous breakdown and being home, alone, made me very scared and twitchy. It was simply coincidence (in a sense) that I dropped two pants sizes.

I don't want to have another nervous breakdown, but maybe it would help me to just chill the eff out and live a healthy lifestyle that doesn't involve so much algebra.

Edit: I just checked FitDay. I wasn't very good at record-keeping back then (most of my foods were entered during work hours, so dinner wasn't accounted for). From some of the full days, though, I see I was eating anywhere from 1900 - 2300 calories, right in line with MFP's recommendations and TDEE. I guess it isn't such a huge mystery after all. I'll just keep on eating like I'm used to and make sure to exercise for an hour every day.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Point for Chicago

My last post was really long, so I didn't want to get into this. Good thing, because it led me to some more thoughts on the "Chicago vs. SF" subject.

Some of Brent's bosses were in Chicago for a convention this week. They called the office on Monday and asked if the programmers wanted to drive to Chicago today and join them at the Tigers vs. Cubs game. Brent and five others drove down in a co-worker's van and found out the company had paid for an upper deck Skybox, just over third base. Awesome!

Anyway, the game was broadcast on Fox Sports Detroit instead of WGN. As such, it had the Detroit announcers. This meant that they kept breaking away before commercials to show gorgeous shots of Chicago at night - shots of the river, shots of the skyscrapers, shots of the buildings surrounding Wrigley, shots of the L at Addison.

Every time they did, my heart skipped a beat. It looked like home. I wanted to walk through the screen and be there.

Brent sent me a text after the game to let me know he was on the shuttle bus to DeVry (where you can park for $6 during Cubs games). I told him to look out the windows as they got onto the Kennedy, as the view of the skyline from the north is the best, especially at night. He's only ever seen the skyline from the south, as we always take LSD in and out of the city.

As soon as I sent that text, I got another pang. I'd always loved that view. When I stayed with my friends at DePaul, I was so jealous of my friend's apartment with the view of the city at night. I used to sit on the couch, staring at the view. Kendall used to tease me and say, "It doesn't change."

I'm sure I'd be quite happy in San Francisco. I'm sure I'd grow to love it like I grew to love Chicago. I can't help this nagging memory, though, that when I was planning to move to Albuquerque to be with Brent, I struggled BIG TIME knowing I was going to be so far away from Chicago. I love being able to visit at a moment's notice. If we live across the country, we have to plan an actual vacation, and if we plan a vacation to Chicago, all of my friends/relatives in Michigan will be hurt we didn't go the extra 200 miles to visit them.

Plus, it's always been a dream of mine to move there. One summer didn't cut it. I want to be an actual resident. I've been dreaming of that since 1998. I spent almost every weekend in 1999 crashing on friend's couches every weekend, looking at apartment websites for places I couldn't even dream of affording until I was out of school, and even going so far as to write to the U of Chicago for graduate school info. I was 22. Now I'm 35. That's a long time to have a dream.

I suppose it all comes down to the job market and what Brent wants. He doesn't want to discuss it because it's "so far away", but I don't like the unknown. I'm not a "play it by ear" person. I'm fun and impulsive about most things, but I always get weird when I can't plan my future. I like looking forward to things, whereas Brent is focused on the present. It's a good balance, because we complement each other, but it can be sort of infuriating sometimes. ;)

He definitely wants to move to Chicago, especially since the Cubs and Bears are there. He's already told me he wants to live within walking distance of Wrigleyville, no exceptions. His #2 reason for moving here was to be closer to Chicago. This is why it surprised me when he dropped the SF bomb.

At the same time, though, if he gets a job in California, I'm not going to throw a fit. When he moved in and things got more serious, it became OUR future, not just my future. While I can dream, dreams sometimes involve compromises for your partner's dreams. He's just as generous with me, even going so far as to offer to support us if I want to quit my current job and find something I actually enjoy.

I keep looking through the pictures here, and it makes me feel like it's the summer of 1999 all over again.

Some of my happiest memories and relationships occurred in that city.

We have a lot to discuss.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Chicago vs. San Francisco

After a decent night of sleep and brunch with two great friends (Beth and Tony), my head feels more clear. Oh, sure, I still hate my job, and I'm dying to get out of this rut, but I don't feel a need to ugly cry.

That may change when I set my alarm for work tomorrow, but it's a little easier knowing the end is a year away. Brent all but promised we would move next year, and even though I don't want to give up our amazing new apartment (that we haven't even moved into yet - ha!), we would be moving to one of two amazing cities.

Unfortunately, I'm having trouble deciding between the two. Obviously, after living there for a summer and visiting a zillion times, Chicago is more familiar and feels like home. To be fair, though, I've never been to San Francisco, and who's to say I wouldn't fall in love at first sight like I did with Chicago?

So, I decided to compile a list of pros and cons. I did a lot of research on San Francisco today: web articles, Craigslist ads, blogs, Google images, and their transit websites for MUNI and BART.



- Familiarity. I can ride the CTA blindfolded. I know which neighborhoods are decent/affordable. Point for Chicago.
- Restaurants, theatres, concerts. No difference there.
- Lake Michigan. I love being on the water. Again, no difference.
- Various ethnic neighborhoods. Unsure if SF has comparable areas like Little Ukraine, Little Italy, Greektown. SF does have a Chinatown.
- Cubs/Wrigley. Point for Chicago.
- The CTA is expansive. We wouldn't need a car as long as we live within the system. Unsure if SF's system is as expansive.
- Reasonably close to my family. Five hours on Amtrak to Ann Arbor/Livonia, and a six-hour drive to Gaylord. Point for Chicago.
- Snow for Christmas. Point for Chicago.
- Moving there involves a moving van. Point for Chicago.


- WINTER. Winter is brutal in Chicago. Point for San Francisco.
- Lack of hiking/nature areas, despite being a pedestrian city. Point for San Francisco.
- The job market. Brent might be able to find something. I might be able to find something. Unsure if those "somethings" will pay enough for a two-bedroom apt.

San Francisco:


- Restaurants, theatres, concerts. No difference.
- Pacific Ocean. MORE water. And sharks! :)
- BART/MUNI public transit. Unsure if it services every area, but it's better than nothing. (I'm looking at you, L.A. Your transit system sucks.)
- WEATHER. The climate in San Francisco is absolutely perfect. Foggy and not too hot, not too cold. No ice storms. No 90% humidity. Just spring/fall weather year-round.
- Nature, hiking, the whole nine yards. Close to Napa. A weekend drive for the redwood forest.
- The job market. Brent can get a job at the snap of his soft, non-calloused, computer programmer fingers. I can probably find something. Even though the cost of living is a bit higher than Chicago, his salary would be enough to make up for it.


- The cost of living. Dear god. Even though we'd be making enough, it's hard to stomach paying that much for an apartment.
- I have NO IDEA where I'm going, but that's what maps are for. Still. Eek!
- We might still need two cars, despite BART/MUNI. If Brent works in Silicon Valley, he'll have to commute since we can't afford to live there.
- Giants, Sharks, '49-ers, and a bunch of other teams I don't care about. I could learn, though.
- Moving there involves selling most of our stuff and shipping the rest in boxes, unless we feel like driving a moving van across the country (no).
- No snow for Christmas. I know this sounds silly since I hate winter, but I do like having snow for the holidays. Of course, it might not matter since we spend every Christmas in either Gaylord (metric fuckton of snow) or Albuquerque (dusting of snow).

Given that I keep justifying my cons for San Francisco, we may have a winner. While it's scary to move to an area I'm unfamiliar with, we do know people there, so we wouldn't be completely lost. We could take a trip on the California Zephyr, something we've been meaning to do for a long time, and visit our friends and get a nice tour of the area.

The weather and the job market, along with the scenery, are a big push for San Francisco. I'm completely jazzed about being on the ocean (or at least close to it) and not having to deal with winter. Wearing a hoodie year-round? Yes, please.

However, if we ultimately decide to live in Chicago, that's fine too. Sure, the weather sucks, but I love that city so much. It might be tricky to find a job, but the cost of living is much lower (especially since we won't need a car), so we'd be okay.

Since I have the evening all to myself, I'm going to look up old episodes of "House Hunters" on Hulu since I know they've done a bunch in the San Francisco Bay area. That might help me place things, learn about the culture of each neighborhood, and put everything in better perspective. I'll call it research. ;)


On a somewhat un-related note, I'm feeling pretty happy today. I've already dropped three of the six pounds of weight I gained last week, and I might have the other three pounds gone by my weigh-in Friday morning. I've been spot-on with my calories all week. Even if I don't get back down to 339.8 again, though, at least I know I didn't totally biff up. ;) I should be back at that point within a week. If anything, I've learned a valuable lesson about which foods create havoc with water retention and general blargh-ness.

Ugly Crying

I full-on ugly cried after work today. That heavy, sobbing, little kid type of crying. I haven't done that in months, but today was just a perfect storm of everything that makes me hate my job. I've been "stuck" there for four years, always hoping it will get better. As soon as I start to think, "Okay, maybe I can deal with this for another year, just until my student loan is paid off," things start to go to hell again and I hate my life for another week, six months, year.

The first call of the day had me in tears. Then I had another crazy call that made me 45 minutes late for lunch, which is a "deviation" (what should I do - hang up on them?) Then there were all kinds of various issues that all piled up, and I sat there wondering, "Why am I doing this? I'm so much better than this. This is not my life."

Unfortunately, my expenses demand I keep this job. Until I have the rest of my loans paid off (Sept 2013), I cannot dip below my income. I've looked every week, but nothing in this area that I qualify for matches my income level. I started looking in Chicago, like I always do, and found approximately 18 jobs in my field of study that all pay equal or more than what I'm making at this horrible mental torture chamber that has nothing to do with my degree.

The second I got home, I laid on my bed. Brent found me there, came over to rub my hip, and that's when the floodgates opened. The whole time I sobbed, he crawled up behind me and cuddled me, something we hardly ever do (separate beds, video game addiction, etc). I kept sobbing, and he said, "We should think about moving to San Francisco. I'll take you right now. Instead of moving into our new place, we'll move there."

Say what?

It distracted me so much that I kind of sat up, sniffled, and kept doing those hitching sobs... but calmer.

"I thought you wanted to move to Chicago," I said. *sniff sniff*

"Yeah, but San Francisco would be cool too. The ocean, sharks for you to play with, Mikey and Liz [his best friend and his fiancee], good computer jobs for me, pretty trees, Napa is close-by, you'd love the fog, better weather, hippies, beaches... you'd love it."

"Well, yeah, definitely. I'd love to live there, but you never mentioned it before today. It was always Chicago, Chicago, Chicago. I thought you didn't want to move to San Francisco. You said Mikey kept trying to get you a job there, but you refused to move."

"I refused to move anywhere. It wasn't just San Francisco. In fact, remember... I was packed up and ready to move there, but then I chickened out at the last minute. That was right before I met you. Remember that story?"

I remembered. Then I realized something.

"Oh, it wasn't the city, it was moving in general. You didn't want to move here either. I had to fight you for months." (Brent was nodding at this point.)

"Right," he said. "But then I did move. So it's kind of like I swung into Michigan, picked you up, and then we headed out there."

The way he said it made me giggle, and thinking about a big change like that made me feel better. Like a light at the end of the tunnel. Brent continued, "We're moving into a new place in a couple weeks, so we know we're here for another year, right? That gives us a year to plan, so don't worry about it right now."

Well of course I'm going to worry about it. I brought up the point that he would need to interview for jobs, since it would be easier to live on his salary and our savings for a bit than it would be for us to live on any job I could find out there. He scoffed and said he has enough in savings for us to live on for six months as it is, so he can start looking next spring and see about getting us out there ASAP, even if I don't have a job lined up.

Then I got worried about the cost of living. Everything I've ever seen is pricey as hell. He said, "Yeah, in Silicon Valley, or on the peninsula. But places like Berkeley, Oakland, around the bay... the rent is comparable to Chicago, sometimes a little cheaper."

Okay, fair enough, but I was still sort of confused. And a bit hopeful, but nervous. Sometimes he talks about things to cheer me up, but then they're way far in the future, and my excitement is replaced with feeling stuck all over again. But it still made me feel better.

I still feel emotionally drained, though, and he's going to the Cubs game at Wrigley with some guys from work tomorrow. I've been DYING to have an evening to myself since he moved in a year ago, but he never goes out, ever. Since tomorrow is my day off, you'd think I'd be ecstatic about him being gone all day and night.


For some reason, this ugly crying day and pitfall of emotions has brought out the clingy in me. I haven't whined or said a word, because I know how excited he is, but I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him to stay home and hold me. It's so bizarre. I haven't been like this since he left to go back to Albuquerque the last time before he moved here. I really hope I get a good night's sleep tonight because sometimes my depression is kick-started by not sleeping well.

I'm meeting my best friend for lunch at 11:30, so at least I'll be occupied and happy right after he leaves for work tomorrow.

Part of me wonders if this is due to a crazy dream I had Saturday night. Brent's mom sent me a letter and map showing me where a tornado had touched down while Brent was visiting his family. Brent died from his injuries. I was stunned, and I kept thinking, "This isn't real. I should have been there. This doesn't make sense." I kept waiting to wake up. It was so surreal. Then I did finally wake up, and I was SO relieved to see familiar surroundings and hear him snoring in the bedroom (I sleep in the living room since we only have one bedroom and his snoring/thrashing keeps me up all night). As soon as he got out of bed, I hugged him.

So maybe part of me is worried something will happen on the way to/from the game tomorrow. I know most people worry about their loved ones when they travel, but this feels abnormal. I need to chill the eff out and enjoy my 14 hours of quiet solitude tomorrow. I've been waiting all this time to have an entire day/night to myself, and I don't want to waste it being a big baby. I want to have fruity drinks with my friend and then watch bad television while packing boxes and eating whatever dinner I want.

I hope I feel that way tomorrow. Right now, I still feel like ugly crying. I just want to sob myself to sleep.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Catching Up

I know I haven't posted in a little while. Last week was... urgh. Here's a hint:

There's this damn commercial on the Hallmark channel (hush - I only watch it at night because they show "Golden Girls") for a movie about cupcakes. I can't remember the name of it right now. Anyway, they always show this guy frosting a yellow cupcake with chocolate frosting.

I'm not a fan of cake. It's too sweet and too heavy. HOWEVER, I do like yellow cake with chocolate frosting. After seeing this commercial approximately 27 times, I decided I would make a cake. Brent loves anything sweet, so I figured he'd be tickled to see cake waiting for him when he got home from work on Wednesday. I reasoned I would have a little piece, just to satisfy my craving, and then let him eat the rest.

Soooooo... it didn't go as planned. I ate a little piece, yes, and then I ate approximately half the cake over the next couple of days. Oh, and did I mention we had Jet's deep dish pizza on Tuesday, and I ate the leftovers on Wednesday? With two Pepsis?


I haven't done that in a couple months. It wasn't a binge so much as sheer laziness and giving into temptation.

Anyway, I was rewarded with six pounds of sodium/water weight. I tried not to freak out, because I know there's no way I ate enough to gain that much weight in one week. I was still tracking my calories and exercising, and my overage was around 2200 calories for the entire week, which isn't even a whole pound. Still. Oh my god. After finally getting below 340, I was pretty ticked. Now I'm right back there.


I recalculated MFP to make up for it. Hopefully, I'll see some results on Friday. As of this morning, I was back down to 343 (from 346). I better see 340 or lower on Friday. Luckily, it's only Monday night.

Even though we're still trapped in this hobbit-sized apartment with its hobbit kitchen, I've been making do. Brent went shopping Saturday and brought home some grapes, bagels, apples, and almonds so I could prepare some snack kits for work. I prepped the bagels and put them in sandwich bags so I could grab one every morning on my way out, and I divided the apples (sliced) and grapes into plastic containers too. The almonds are in their own bag, so I brought them as-is and just counted out 28 (one serving) when I felt like munching on them. It worked fairly well. I had my bagel, half of the apple/grape container, and 28 almonds while at work today.

As soon as we move, I'll have room to prep things for my crock pot, and that will give me lunches and dinners I can reheat at work and when I get home from my shift. I work until 7:00 and have lunch at 2:00, so I'm usually pretty hungry when I get home. This leads to crappy dinner choices. That has to end. I do so well all day and then totally fall apart at dinner. Brent is a huge fan of take-out, but he loves home-cooked meals too. I have a feeling he'll start dropping weight as soon as I start cooking dinner for us every night (not that I care what he looks like; he never used to have a belly, though, and he's been making comments about it).

There's the long-winded update for now. Gogo losing that water weight this week.

Thursday, June 7, 2012


I've weighed in at 339.8 for two days in a row, so I'm taking it! I know my official weigh-in is Friday morning, but close enough. ;)

I've been trying to get under 340 for-ev-er. I'm so excited! Even if I'm back at 340.0 tomorrow, I don't care. 339.8 two days in a row is a victory.

Yay, new decade!

The image I found for "339" is perfect. Brent is from New Mexico. When I saw the Zia, I knew I had to pick that image. As happy as I am that he's here, I really miss going to New Mexico to visit. We only go once per year for the holidays now, and it's nowhere near enough. We've talked about going during the summer so we aren't there only once per year, but his job is so unpredictable that we can't plan a vacation more than a week ahead of time.

I think I'll blog about my/our various trips to New Mexico later this evening. It's nice to write about something other than weight loss every so often.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012


I took a personal day yesterday to work on packing the storage closet and take a break for myself. Since Brent wasn't home (i.e. in the living room), I put my Turbo Jam DVD in the Xbox and decided to see how much fun it would be to a) see it on a bigger screen and b) have enough room to do it. The bedroom is beyond crammed right now, so I can barely lift my legs. It's pretty frustrating trying to work out in there.

Halfway through the DVD, I realized I wasn't having as much fun as I usually do. The same thing had happened the night before. I finally figured out why.

I wasn't wearing my HRM!

Since I've worn my HRM several times, always getting mostly the same results, I figured I didn't have to wear it every time. What I didn't realize, though, is the HRM pushes me to work harder and "rewards" me when I push the button and see my heart rate in the target zone (or a bit higher). It's like a little digital fan on the sidelines, cheering me on. Without that data, I can't see how I'm doing, and the negative voices start up. The HRM shuts them up. Plus, at the end of the workout, I can see exactly how I've done instead of just guessing.

Lesson learned: always wear my HRM, no matter what exercise I'm doing.

I weighed myself this morning to see if I've finally gotten over the 340 hurdle. Nope! Still 340.0. Rawr! I have between now and Friday morning's weigh-in to accomplish that little goal. It's so funny that I can't wait to see 33* on the scale, considering my first mini-goal is actually 331, not 339. It's not even getting into the 200s or 100s. It's just the 330s. Still, I feel like I've been 340 for SO LONG (see previous entry). Seeing the scale bump down a decade would make me feel so awesome.

And now for an NSV:

One thing I did notice this morning: I was wiggling my feet while sitting in my chair, and I noticed something moving under my skin. It freaked me out for a second until I realized it was just muscles moving. My feet have been so swollen for so many years that I haven't seen my muscles and bones during that time. And when I say swollen, I mean PUFFY. I could barely move my toes most summers. Even my toes were fat. When I sat in a chair, it was even worse because it cut off circulation. Now, I'm sitting in my chair, and they're perfectly fine. Not skinny like they used to be, but I can see those little muscles and they aren't swelling at all. Hooray for proper water intake and exercise!

Monday, June 4, 2012

A New Decade?

I refer to ten pounds as "decades". I've been in the 340 decade for what feels like forever, mostly because I yo-yo'd so much when I first got serious about losing weight. I think I've been 340-something since March, since I didn't exercise/diet at all between February and the end of April.

After my stellar calorie burn on Saturday night, I decided to weigh myself first thing Sunday morning. The scale danced between 340.0 and 339.8 for about an hour and then finally settled on 340.0. Gah! So close!

I was tempted to hack two inches off my hair. I'm positive that would have tipped it. ;) (Anyone remember that episode of "Frasier"?)

Anyway, I danced around because this means I will probably be in the 330s at my official weigh-in Friday morning. Squee!

After I weighed in, Brent asked if I wanted to go get lunch (we woke up VERY late). I was starving, probably because my net calories were about 400 on Saturday, so we went to Smashburger. We haven't been there in ages, and it's so freaking good. I don't know why we don't go more often. I splurged and got their Smashfries, which are fries made with olive oil, rosemary, and sea salt. I don't usually like fries, but these are really good. I got a small Smashburger with sharp cheddar and swiss cheese and a diet soda instead of my usual malt. Altogether, my lunch was around 750 calories. Not bad for eating out, and their burgers are ah-mazing.

When we got home, he disappeared into Diablo, and I packed up the bathroom and bedroom as much as possible. We're in this apartment for another 3.5 weeks, so I left out a few bathroom basics and about two weeks' worth of clothes that we can just wash and wear again when needed.

I took tomorrow off in addition to my usual day off (Wednesday) because I really want to bust out the storage closet, and I need a mental break from work. The storage closet is going to be a bit of a nightmare. :-/ After Brent moved in, I tried to keep it organized, but it's holding all of my storage stuff plus most of his old apartment. We have all kinds of furniture, clothes, yearbooks, photo albums, electronics, blankets, holiday decorations, board games, hobby items, etc. It's starting to look like the Room of Requirement from Harry Potter. If I can get that packed up, it will give me more room for the packed boxes that are starting to take over every room in our apartment (and we don't have that much room as it is).

I can tell it's a full moon. The calls have been crazy today. I can't wait to go home and Turbo Jam.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

I Am a Beast!

I thought about this picture earlier, when I was being whiny and magenta. I decided, "Eff it," and put on my workout clothes. I grabbed my HRM just to see what was up, because I needed raw numbers to get me through the workout.

I noticed something strange about 1/4 in.

I didn't feel as hot and sweaty, and I was moving better. So, I kicked it up a notch.


My heart rate was the highest it's ever been (but still within a safe range), and I could tell I was rocking the HELL out of that workout. I freaking love Turbo Jam Cardio Party (Mix #1). This is definitely becoming my go-to workout.

Anyway, I didn't have to sit for a spell halfway through, and I was still dancing through the water break. I pushed it all the way to the end.

My reward?

Check my HRM:

I realize it's blurry. It says "TOT CAL: 1483".

I burned 1483 calories!

My highest ever was 1087.

I'm a beast!!! RAWR!!!

I feel happy and inspired again. If I can push myself that hard six days per week, I could drop two pounds per week from exercise alone. Obviously, I might not hit that number every time, but it's encouraging, and I feel pretty bad-ass right now.


Saturday, June 2, 2012


On an episode of "Golden Girls", Dorothy is having issues expressing how she feels. Blanche is trying to help her out, and the following dialogue ensues:

Dorothy: I wish I could explain it, but I can't. I was feeling jealous and lonely… and god knows what else…

Blanche: Magenta.

Dorothy: S’cuse me?

Blanche: Magenta. That’s what I call it when I get that way… all kinds of feelings tumbling all over themselves.

Ya know… you’re not quite blue cause you’re not really sad. And although you’re a little bit jealous, you wouldn’t say ‘you’re greeeen with envy’. And every now and then you realize you’re kinda scared… but you would hardly call yourself yella.

I hate that feeling! I just hate it. And I hate the color magenta. That’s why I named it that. Magenta.


I totally get how Dorothy feels right now. I've had one of those days where so many emotions tumble over themselves that I feel sad and exhausted. The day started on a high note (I wore my new jeans to work today), but then it got progressively worse and awkward and stupid and sad.

I'm fighting the urge to drive to TGI Friday's and eat this, my ultimate comfort food:

Instead, I took off my bra and pants so I wouldn't be tempted. I hate getting dressed once I've undressed, so it's an easy way to avoid eating 2050 calories in one sitting. (Yes, I checked.)

I keep thinking I should work out, but then I think about how I'll just be slogging through the moves, not feeling any better. Then I realize at least I'll be slogging through the moves instead of sitting on my ass like I am now. I just haven't been able to get up and do it. I think about everyone else who does it, no matter what their mood or how tired they are, and that makes me feel worse.

I think I'll do something fun, like Turbo Jam. My brain keeps saying, "It's pointless. It's pointless. It's pointless," but I know that's not true since I've been losing weight. I don't know why my head is messing with me today.

I just feel crabby.

And magenta.

Friday, June 1, 2012


In my huffy-ness about my weight today, I remembered that I always lose inches quicker than I lose weight. It's pretty apparent when I look at my back, shoulders, chest, and neck. Even my feet are less swollen than usual (thanks to all that water).

So, I decided to go to Lane Bryant and conquer those 22's. When I tried them on last time, they were a good 2-3 inches from closing. I figured I'd just go and see how much closer they were and then pick them up as motivation. My current size 24's are falling off of me, so I was kind of hoping the 22's would fit.

I put them on, and the button was at the hole but wouldn't go through. I couldn't suck it in any more, and sitting on the bench didn't help. Grrrr! I bought them as planned and figured I'd try when I got home.

As soon as I got home, I went straight to the bedroom. Brent mentioned dinner was ready, but I waved him off since I didn't want any food making my stomach even 2 cm bigger.

She's not even trying...

I put the jeans on, laid on the bed, did a little hip twist, and BAM! The button went through the hole. I zipped them up, did a couple of squats, and then walked into the living room to show off.

I have a bit of a muffin top, and bending down is kind of risky, but they fit! I sat in my recliner and tried to eat, but the waist was too tight. So, I can't wear them out and about just yet, but they're ON. I have them on (unbuttoned), hoping that they'll stretch a bit so I can wear them tomorrow. They really do fit perfectly, except for that tightness in the waist. Since LB jeans always get super loose in the waist after one day, I'm hoping they'll fit perfectly in the waist if I stretch them a bit. I'm so tired of my pants falling down, and I hate wearing belts.

I'll consider this a NSV (non-scale victory) since I couldn't even get these over my hips a couple months ago. I'm so pumped. :)

Weekly Weigh-In

I'm up .6 pounds from last week. I'm trying not to get upset since 1) Memorial Day weekend was kind of a bust, 2) I didn't get back on track until Wednesday, and 3) I didn't exercise at all this past week. (Yeah, I know.)

To be honest, I'm surprised I didn't gain more weight. It isn't even a full pound, for crying out loud, but it still makes me crazy.

Anyway, this is fairly depressing, considering I've lost every week up to this point. It was humbling when I entered my number on Thintopia. If anything, it's a wake-up call. I don't want another week like this. I want to see that scale go down, especially since I was so close to below-340 the last time I weighed in. If I'd kept up with it, I could have been at or below 340 today.

So, exercise and meal planning it is! Maybe I can get below 340 next week. :)
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