Ugly Crying

I full-on ugly cried after work today. That heavy, sobbing, little kid type of crying. I haven't done that in months, but today was just a perfect storm of everything that makes me hate my job. I've been "stuck" there for four years, always hoping it will get better. As soon as I start to think, "Okay, maybe I can deal with this for another year, just until my student loan is paid off," things start to go to hell again and I hate my life for another week, six months, year.

The first call of the day had me in tears. Then I had another crazy call that made me 45 minutes late for lunch, which is a "deviation" (what should I do - hang up on them?) Then there were all kinds of various issues that all piled up, and I sat there wondering, "Why am I doing this? I'm so much better than this. This is not my life."

Unfortunately, my expenses demand I keep this job. Until I have the rest of my loans paid off (Sept 2013), I cannot dip below my income. I've looked every week, but nothing in this area that I qualify for matches my income level. I started looking in Chicago, like I always do, and found approximately 18 jobs in my field of study that all pay equal or more than what I'm making at this horrible mental torture chamber that has nothing to do with my degree.

The second I got home, I laid on my bed. Brent found me there, came over to rub my hip, and that's when the floodgates opened. The whole time I sobbed, he crawled up behind me and cuddled me, something we hardly ever do (separate beds, video game addiction, etc). I kept sobbing, and he said, "We should think about moving to San Francisco. I'll take you right now. Instead of moving into our new place, we'll move there."



Say what?

It distracted me so much that I kind of sat up, sniffled, and kept doing those hitching sobs... but calmer.

"I thought you wanted to move to Chicago," I said. *sniff sniff*

"Yeah, but San Francisco would be cool too. The ocean, sharks for you to play with, Mikey and Liz [his best friend and his fiancee], good computer jobs for me, pretty trees, Napa is close-by, you'd love the fog, better weather, hippies, beaches... you'd love it."

"Well, yeah, definitely. I'd love to live there, but you never mentioned it before today. It was always Chicago, Chicago, Chicago. I thought you didn't want to move to San Francisco. You said Mikey kept trying to get you a job there, but you refused to move."

"I refused to move anywhere. It wasn't just San Francisco. In fact, remember... I was packed up and ready to move there, but then I chickened out at the last minute. That was right before I met you. Remember that story?"

I remembered. Then I realized something.

"Oh, it wasn't the city, it was moving in general. You didn't want to move here either. I had to fight you for months." (Brent was nodding at this point.)

"Right," he said. "But then I did move. So it's kind of like I swung into Michigan, picked you up, and then we headed out there."

The way he said it made me giggle, and thinking about a big change like that made me feel better. Like a light at the end of the tunnel. Brent continued, "We're moving into a new place in a couple weeks, so we know we're here for another year, right? That gives us a year to plan, so don't worry about it right now."

Well of course I'm going to worry about it. I brought up the point that he would need to interview for jobs, since it would be easier to live on his salary and our savings for a bit than it would be for us to live on any job I could find out there. He scoffed and said he has enough in savings for us to live on for six months as it is, so he can start looking next spring and see about getting us out there ASAP, even if I don't have a job lined up.

Then I got worried about the cost of living. Everything I've ever seen is pricey as hell. He said, "Yeah, in Silicon Valley, or on the peninsula. But places like Berkeley, Oakland, around the bay... the rent is comparable to Chicago, sometimes a little cheaper."

Okay, fair enough, but I was still sort of confused. And a bit hopeful, but nervous. Sometimes he talks about things to cheer me up, but then they're way far in the future, and my excitement is replaced with feeling stuck all over again. But it still made me feel better.

I still feel emotionally drained, though, and he's going to the Cubs game at Wrigley with some guys from work tomorrow. I've been DYING to have an evening to myself since he moved in a year ago, but he never goes out, ever. Since tomorrow is my day off, you'd think I'd be ecstatic about him being gone all day and night.

Nope.

For some reason, this ugly crying day and pitfall of emotions has brought out the clingy in me. I haven't whined or said a word, because I know how excited he is, but I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him to stay home and hold me. It's so bizarre. I haven't been like this since he left to go back to Albuquerque the last time before he moved here. I really hope I get a good night's sleep tonight because sometimes my depression is kick-started by not sleeping well.

I'm meeting my best friend for lunch at 11:30, so at least I'll be occupied and happy right after he leaves for work tomorrow.

Part of me wonders if this is due to a crazy dream I had Saturday night. Brent's mom sent me a letter and map showing me where a tornado had touched down while Brent was visiting his family. Brent died from his injuries. I was stunned, and I kept thinking, "This isn't real. I should have been there. This doesn't make sense." I kept waiting to wake up. It was so surreal. Then I did finally wake up, and I was SO relieved to see familiar surroundings and hear him snoring in the bedroom (I sleep in the living room since we only have one bedroom and his snoring/thrashing keeps me up all night). As soon as he got out of bed, I hugged him.

So maybe part of me is worried something will happen on the way to/from the game tomorrow. I know most people worry about their loved ones when they travel, but this feels abnormal. I need to chill the eff out and enjoy my 14 hours of quiet solitude tomorrow. I've been waiting all this time to have an entire day/night to myself, and I don't want to waste it being a big baby. I want to have fruity drinks with my friend and then watch bad television while packing boxes and eating whatever dinner I want.

I hope I feel that way tomorrow. Right now, I still feel like ugly crying. I just want to sob myself to sleep.