I experienced a strange, crazy moment earlier. I'm going to chalk it up to zen.
I never thought I'd reach this point. I hope this sticks around permanently, because I think it means I may have kicked (or at least curbed) my food addiction.
My net calories were around 400-500 yesterday because I didn't eat much and exercised a ton. I just wasn't very hungry. When my friend, Beth, called to ask if I wanted to have lunch and go shopping today, I figured maybe I could have a little treat or cheat day since I was so on-track.
We went to lunch at Chili's. I skipped the steak and ordered an amazing grilled chicken. It was Margarita Grilled Chicken, and it had rice and black beans on the side. According to MFP, it was 550 calories total. Awesome! It was delicious.
After we walked around the mall for a while, Beth suggested we stop at the food court for a drink. I hadn't had diet soda in about three weeks, but I wanted a slice of pizza because it sounded SO good, and I like to have soda with pizza. We went to Sbarro, I got a slice of cheese pizza and a Diet Pepsi, and then we sat down.
I patted the pizza with napkins to get the grease off and then... nothing. I took a couple bites, and I just wasn't feeling it. I didn't want it. I sipped my Diet Pepsi, and it tasted so acidic and sweet to me. Not one to waste food I've paid for, I took a couple more bites, but it just wasn't that good. Beth said I should just toss it - no sense in eating calories I don't want - but I was torn over wasting it. Finally, I tossed it. I simply DID NOT want it. It was like my brain kept refusing to enjoy it. I kept thinking about how far I've come and that the only reason I bought it was because I wanted a treat. I wasn't hungry. I just wanted it.
That was the old Sarah. To sit there, not wanting to eat that pizza, not wanting to eat empty calories I didn't even need, that's the new Sarah.
It was a total eye-opener. Even the pie at the dessert place didn't look appealing. My brain just kept saying, "That's what made you fat. That's poison."
Perhaps that's a bit extreme, and I'm sure I'll be able to enjoy food like that again, but it's nice to have a break from the endless loop of, "EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT MORE EAT MORE EAT MORE MUST EAT MUST EAT MUST EAT". That voice is finally gone.
I hope it's gone forever.
Now, I see nothing wrong with treating myself now and again. A lady at work who makes amazing cupcakes brought some in the other day, and I had one. Why on earth would I deny myself one of the best things I've ever tasted? Instead of having four, though, I had one. The old me would have had several. The new me had one, enjoyed every bite of it, and logged it on MFP so I'd know to make up for it later when I made dinner and exercised.
This is a lifestyle. It is not a diet. It is not temporary. I feel like I've finally turned that corner where habits have become ingrained. I never want to fight that urge to binge again. I hope this is permanent.
Eternal thanks to Beth for being such an inspiration to me. The reason we were shopping today is because that girl has gotten down to a size four. She started at a size 14. I am so proud of her. She's a huge help when it comes to nutrition and motivation. Someday, I hope we can go shopping for new clothes for me. I'm going to be so excited when I can wear Misses sizes again and we can shop at the same stores. She did point out that Old Navy has jeans up to size 18, so maybe that day isn't too far off. :)