Saturday, August 4, 2012

Emotional Roller Coaster

Relax. ;) I'm not going to write an emo post. I've just been having a lot of varying thoughts lately. This could get a little rambly.

First, I get really excited when I see the scale go down. Then I try on my new pants and realize they don't fit yet. Then I look in the mirror to see if I can spot any subtle changes. 22 pounds should show something, yes?

Then I realize, at my size, it's going to take more than a few pounds to feel/see a difference. Even if I measure the usual areas, I could be losing it from random areas that don't get measured (face, shoulders, around my knee, etc). Weight loss is an all-over thing, so I won't necessarily see it in 1-2 areas. It's like ice cream melting. So okay, that's cool.

Then I get really proud of what I'm doing and super excited that, someday, I won't feel/look like such a blob. I think about how much I'll have lost by Christmas, or next spring, or next summer.

Then, I get sad that, even though I've lost over twenty pounds, I'm still FREAKING HUGE.

So you see what I mean about being a roller coaster. ;) I want to stand up and say, "Yay! I've lost 22 pounds! Boo-ya!" But then I think, "I'm 334 pounds. That's not exactly something to celebrate." Sure, it isn't 356, but oh my god... so far to go. I'm 10% to my goal, which is great, but it's also intimidating.

That's why I have the mini-goals. I'm three pounds away from my first one. So close! Push push push! Then again, my brain tries to trip me up and say, "Yeah, but you'll still be over 300 pounds, fatty."

Ugh! So frustrating! I need to find a way to turn that voice off. I'm not going to give up, give in, quit, or say this isn't worth it. Not at all. So I'm not worried about the voice taking over. I just need it to STFU and leave me alone.


This brings me to a discussion I had with Brent last night. We were talking about our trip to Albuquerque for Thanksgiving, and I realized that if I keep this up, I could be down to about 306 when we leave for our trip... maybe even 300 if I'm really, really disciplined.

The first time I flew to Albuquerque to meet Brent, I weighed 314 pounds. I had just had a doctor appointment, and I was freaking out because I had no idea I was over 300 pounds. I hadn't weighed myself in about a year. I almost canceled my trip because I was scared I wouldn't fit in the airplane seat; also, I was afraid Brent would think I was super-fat (which was dumb since he'd already seen my pictures).

Anyway, we were talking about that, and I said, "Whoa. If I'm 306, or even just under 314, that will be the thinnest you've ever seen me. And once I can get to 299... wow, you've never known me at sub-300 pounds. Holy crap." He nodded and smiled in that encouraging way he has and then said, "See? You're pretty close. Just keep doing what you're doing and stop worrying. You can do it."

It would be awesome if I could be under 314 the next time we go to Albuquerque. When we were there for Christmas last year, I weighed 356 pounds. I'm not sure if anyone would notice a 42-ish pound difference, but I would definitely notice and feel a lot better.

Even though I felt fat when I was 300-314, I never felt disgusting like I do now. It's almost like there was this threshold around 320 where my arms started to get so puffy I couldn't rest them at my sides, my belly started to stick out, and my feet got too fat for wide shoes. I'd like to get back to 300-ish because, while I was quite fat, it was more of a "normal fat", if that makes sense. I wasn't afraid of chairs because it was very rare I couldn't fit in one. Even the airplane seats, while tight, weren't impossible. Shirt sleeves weren't tight. And so on.

So yes, right now, I feel like I'm in this weird purgatory. I'm not as heavy as I was (yay!), but I'm still 20 pounds from where I was at least relatively comfortable (boo). Sometimes I get really scared I won't reach that. The last plateau was only eight weeks, but it was eight weeks of pure hell on my nerves. Now that the weight is dropping again, I'm so scared it's going to come to a stop before I can at least get back to 300 or 314.


  1. You sound so much like me!! I was at 350 at one time. I didn't realize I was so huge..until I saw some pics..and I couldn't even fit into the biggest jeans (mens) at Wal-Mart!! It was horrible. Then I got down to like 330 and believe it or not, got comfortable there!!:( Finally decided enough was enough. Managed to get down to 290 lbs. Then got back up to 317..yuck. I'm 306 now..where you want to be. You can do this. I can do's hard, but we're strong. My birthday is at the end of the month and I want to be below 300. Then I never want to see a 3 in front of those numbers again, ya know? So hang in there!!!

    1. Oh my gosh. I would be so happy to see a 2 in front of my weight again. Not that I'd want to stop there, but man... it would be a HUGE relief just to know I'm not over 300 pounds anymore. Like I'm in a safe zone. It's almost like 2-something is more tolerable, maybe because it's been four years since I was there, or maybe because I feel like a lot more people are in the 200s and it's more "forgivable".

  2. It always takes us longer to see results than anyone else because we see ourselves every day - and our minds love to play tricks on us. After losing 50, 100, even 150 pounds, I still had days when I looked in the mirror and couldn't tell I looked any different. Eventually, our brains catch up to our bodies, though. Keep working hard and doing right by your body, and you'll see the changes in due time! ♥

    1. Thanks! I caught myself in the full-length mirror at work today and realized I do look smaller all over, mostly in my upper body and thighs. The butt refuses to get with the program. ;) Stupid pear shape.

  3. I have recently hit my 20lb weight loss mark as well and I wish I could see more changes. Just know you can keep going and all this hard work will pay off. This journey is such an emotional and erratic one, but we have good days and we have bad days. Setting Mini goals is defiently a great way to stay motivated. Dont listen to that voice it is a liar!

    1. Thanks! I'm sure I'll feel better overall when the weather cools down and I don't feel like such a huffy-puffy sweaty mess. I'm going to increase my exercise by quite a bit once the air has that nice, autumn crisp to it. I'm going to be a beast during the winter. ;)


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