Monday, September 17, 2012

NSVs & Overestimating

Mary and I were "talking" about how, even when you lose the weight, you still feel like your old, fat self. I've been feeling that a lot lately, which leads us to the newest NSVs.


I grabbed an old t-shirt out of my closet, thinking there was no way it would fit.

It fit.


I put on this gorgeous winter coat I bought in 2008, that I only wore for a couple months because I started gaining weight immediately. I couldn't bear to give it up because it was brand new and looks great with my figure. I couldn't even get it on last year because my arms were so heavy. I kept it because I knew I'd want to wear it someday.

It went on, and I could button every button but the bottom one (I couldn't button it in 2008 either). It's a bit tight, and would be even tighter over a sweater, but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to wear it by the time I need a winter coat.


I saw some cute flats at the store tonight, size 8W. No way my swollen, fat foot will fit in those. I can't even wear an 8WW. My foot's going to look deformed and hang over the sole.

They fit perfectly. (I probably would have scored this one a lot sooner, but I've been in flip-flops since May.)


Lane Bryant had Right Fit jeans on sale for $29.99. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. My current size is too loose, and I've been cinching my belt tighter. No freaking way will the next size fit, though. I just bought these a couple months ago.

They fit.


My 42C bra is too loose, and the cups are freaking huge. Maybe I can wear a 40C.

The 40C is a biiiit too tight in the band, but the cups are good. A-ha! Time for bra math. Try a 42B (same as a 40C).

It fits, and my chest finally looks normal (and perky!) again. I bought two. I wouldn't count losing boob fat as a "victory", but at least my shape looks good and I'm not swimming in the cups anymore.

Also, this means that once that 40 band fits more comfortably, I can buy bras at Victoria's Secret again. YES. I cannot wait. Their bras are expensive, but they last for-ev-er, and they're really comfortable.


My friends are getting married this weekend. I saw a super cute jacket/top combo I could wear with dress pants or a skirt and decided to give them a try.

OMG Lane Bryant tops fit again!

The two items together were $110, though. No way. I could wear the jacket and top for all types of occasions, but I'm not spending $110 on stuff that's already borderline too big. (Not only could I get the top and jacket on, the 26/28 top was loose. I couldn't even get my arms in their tops four months ago.) I very nearly bought them simply because they fit, but yeah... Brent would have killed me.


Another friend suggested wearing one of my old Holy Clothing skirts. Yeah, right. The green one is perfect for a casual fall wedding, but it's too tight.

I'm wearing it right now because I can't believe it fits. (I'm so glad I didn't take it to Goodwill. This has always been my favorite skirt.)


The green skirt requires the black boots I couldn't even get my fat, swollen feet into last year.

They zipped up just fine and actually have some wiggle room around my calf.


Brent: "Let's go to Theo & Stacy's for breakfast. We haven't been there in two months."

Two months ago, I had to suck it in to get into the booth, and my belly touched the edge of the table and hung over a tiny bit.

When we got there, I slid right in. I looked down, straightened my t-shirt (the one I thought wouldn't fit), and noticed there was a 1 to 2-inch gap between my stomach and the table.


The point to all of this is: I still feel like I weigh 356 pounds. I sit in chairs expecting not to fit, and they're fine. I expect shoes to be too tight, clothes to be too tight, booths to be too tight. Even when I'm wearing the clothes or sitting in the chair, I feel alien. It's like an out of body experience. There's no way I'm wearing this shirt or those shoes or that jacket. For so long, I'd put something on expecting it to fit, and it would be too tight. Or, we'd go somewhere to eat, somewhere I'd been a million times, and I wouldn't fit in the chair.

I got used to that, and now that I've lost 37 pounds, I can't get past it. I guess I feel like 37 pounds isn't enough to make a difference, even though I have the pictures and measurements to prove it. Brent pointed out that I should be used to this weight, since I weighed between 310 and 320 for several years, but I'm not. I don't feel like I'm in my old-old body; I feel like I'm in the old body I was in just a few months ago.

I wonder if it's going to feel this way all the way down to my goal weight, especially when I get to weights I haven't seen in 8-12 years. I got down to 265 in 2008 and shot right back up to 310 within a few months. I'd been around 300 pounds since 2002, when I weighed 240. It's been ten years since I was under 300 pounds for a considerable length of time. Twelve years since I was 220. Fourteen years since I was under 200.


Now I understand what Mary was talking about. Even when I get to a size 14 and weigh 165 pounds, I'll probably hold up a pair of size 14 jeans and think, "There's no way my ass is getting into these."

And then they'll fit.


  1. It's wild, isn't it? It takes your brain a while to catch up with your body. I waited way too long to buy my first smaller pair of jeans - started at 26, tried on a 20 and cried because they looked so small and yet they buttoned! (Then got laughed at the next day by friends because I really needed 18s and they thought I was just too cute, crying because I could finally shop at Old Navy).

    I cried when I tried on the 20s and they fit. And the 18s. And the 16s. And the 14s. And the 12s. Someday it will be less shocking, I'm sure. But remembering how awful it felt to suck in and squeeze into size 28 workpants, the ridiculously tiny looking 12s I can slip into without a problem are a HUGE victory, and I feel absolutely entitled to a few tears!

  2. I am so thankful for this post and the others comments. I have been feeling this same way lately. I know I am working hard and the results are showing but it is just so odd for my brain to register with what I am feeling vs what I am seeing/experiencing. I am so happy for you and proud of all your hard work. Keep it up and thank you for this post. It truly helped me.


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