Thrill Kill Kult - Chicago, IL

One month from now, we will be at the Thrill Kill Kult concert in Chicago. We are VERY EXCITED. We love industrial shows; plus, I haven't seen TKK since 2000, and Brent hasn't seen them since 2009.




They're playing at the Bottom Lounge on October 13. I wrangled getting that Saturday off so we could spend the weekend there. I haven't been to Chicago since we took my dad to Wrigley, which didn't involve any walking. Before that, it was a day trip in early December.

And here we come to the point of my story.

My company sponsors a bus trip to Chicago the first Saturday of December for "Christmas Shopping". They hire two charter buses, and for $10, an employee and their guest can ride the bus to Chicago. It's a very good deal. The bus leaves at 8:00 AM and drops everyone off at the corner of Michigan Ave and Chicago around 10:00 AM. You have all day to do whatever you want (the focus is shopping, since you arrive on the Magnificent Mile, but some people go to museums and landmarks).

We were with a friend who had never been to Chicago, so we were really excited about taking her to all kinds of places. This trip would end up being the last straw for me (physically).

We decided to eat as much as possible and visit Shedd Aquarium. I was super excited because I LOVE water and everything in it. I cannot begin to tell you how stoked I was.

We started out by walking to Gino's East.

I have no idea why this came out so hazy

I forgot there was one on Superior, so we ended up walking to Wells. It was only a mile, so my feet were okay, and I wasn't feeling winded. I was pretty happy about that. When we got there, however, we noticed they weren't open. Cue standing around for a half-hour. After eating, we had to walk back.

By the time we got back to Michigan Ave, my feet were screaming. I'd been walking and standing for a normal amount of time for most people, but I was dead. Instead of taking a bus to the aquarium and taking a chance on standing, we decided to get a taxi. My friend had never been in a taxi, so that was kind of fun for her while I got to rest my feet.

When we arrived at the aquarium, it was 1:00. The line was out the door, all the way down the steps, and almost halfway across the plaza. Oh. My. GOD. We couldn't think of anything else to do, though, since it would have taken us all day to go through the Field Museum (same campus) and the Art Institute (another bus ride). We decided to stand in line and tough it out.

45 minutes later, we were halfway up the steps. My feet felt like they had knives in the arches. I kept trying to shift my weight, but it was no use. Brent suggested I sit on the steps, but we were packed into a weather tunnel, and everyone was squished in. There was no room to sit, and I didn't want to embarrass myself by asking people to make room for me to sit.

We finally got inside, and it was another long wait for tickets. The lobby has benches, but every time someone got up, another person would take their spot.

Once we had our tickets, we walked into the main part of the aquarium, and I managed to nab a seat. Brent went to get me a drink while I sat there like a lump. Our friends decided to go to the Jellyfish exhibit (I told them not to wait for me). Once I "recovered", I hobbled to each exhibit and sat down as often as possible. Honestly, I would have loved to have Brent get a wheelchair for me, but OH MY GOD I WAS NOT GOING TO BE THAT PERSON. That's when I felt defeated. It was official. I could not enjoy a day in Chicago anymore. The trip in September was bad, but we sat down so often that I didn't realize how bad it was. By the time my feet would start to hurt, we were already sitting at a restaurant, or on the L, or on a bus, etc. I wasn't tested like this.

Instead of enjoying the aquarium, I kept my eye out for the nearest chair. As I sat in that chair or on a bench, I thought about how much Brent must loathe me at this point. I had gone from the lively, exciteable girlfriend to an invalid he had to babysit. I am positive that is not how he felt, but I wouldn't blame him if he did. I told him as much, and he just kept rubbing my back and telling me he loved me and wished he could help me.

After the aquarium, we caught a cab back to Michigan Ave and walked to a nearby hot dog place. We sat there until it was time to get back on the bus.

From that trip, I was rewarded with a nasty case of plantar fasciitis. If you've never experienced this particular delicacy, don't. Do everything in your power to avoid it.

Every time I took a step, it was like someone had shoved a hot knife into the arch of my foot. Even while resting, I had heel pain and tightness in my arch. I had to wear a wrap around both feet, and the only shoes I could wear were my extra-wide boots that had support in the most painful areas (it felt like a massage). It was still so bad at Christmas that I could hardly enjoy our trip to Albuquerque. Brent took me to this gorgeous light display at the zoo, something he would normally hate, because he knew how much I'd love it. I kept protesting and begging, stating that I couldn't walk (at this point, my right knee was giving out on me too). He told me we could take it easy and sit as much as possible, which we did. For the millionth time, instead of enjoying something really awesome, I was in pain and wanted to cry because I felt like I was a burden.

That is no way to go through life.

The plantar fasciitis eventually cleared up shortly after New Year's Day. I started this blog on January 18, our second anniversary, with the entry "This is Just Stupid". I haven't looked back.

Which brings us to next month.

Since we are going to Chicago for the entire weekend, I want to spend Saturday and Sunday walking around enjoying things. We haven't made an itinerary yet, but I want to use this trip to prove to myself that I can live a relatively normal life again. I'm right where I was when we first started dating (319), so he's accustomed to this weight. Since this trip is four weeks away, there's an excellent chance I'll hit 311 by then, just one pound over my weight at the doctor's office two days before I flew to Albuquerque for our first date. This is the weight range he's used to and the weight range I was in for 2.5 years, so I'm used to it too.

Additionally, my feet and knees don't bother me anymore, and I have much more stamina. (If you had told me I could run in place for eight or nine minutes at this time last year, I would have laughed in your face.) I'm really excited to see if I can handle walking around the city, standing in front of exhibits, and climbing the stairs for the L.

I'm not sure where we're staying yet. We like the Heart O'Chicago motel for its 1950s kitchy-ness, not to mention the price, free wireless, free parking, and proximity to the Red Line. I kind of want to splurge and get something in the Loop, though. I know we'd be spending another $200 or so, but I really feel like I've earned this. We haven't spent a weekend in Chicago since, well, exactly one year ago, and it was horrible because that was the trip I spent the entire time crying because I was too fat to do every single thing we'd planned - see a pattern? I want to turn that around this year, and that means a treat in the form of a hotel in the Loop - nothing fancy, just something in the Loop. I want a view of the river and skyscrapers and maybe a pool. :)

This got really long. Thank you for sitting through it.

Tickers & NSV

Someone sent me a private message and asked why, sometimes, my tickers don't match up with my published weigh-in. I replied to them, but then it occurred to me that some of you may wonder as well (if you even noticed).

I weigh myself every morning, as soon as I wake up. I've found this is the most consistent time to weigh myself, as my weight fluctuates so much throughout the day. Sometimes I weigh myself again at night just to compare and see how much food/water affects it. It can vary as much as 2-5 pounds! Now you see why I weigh myself first thing in the morning. :) Even doctors agree this is the best time to get your "true" weight, as you haven't eaten in approximately ten hours and your body is slightly dehydrated.

As soon as I weigh myself, I update MFP and the tickers. This way, my weight is always current. LilySlim saves your tickers if you create an account, which makes it really easy. The tickers are linked to that account, so you don't have to copy/paste the code every single time. Anyway, even if I gain, I change everything in the interest of being accurate. I love tracking data to see trends, and this helps. (I have a chart separate from the one on my weigh-in page.)

Weighing in every day doesn't work for some people, so I don't recommend it if you're someone who gets obsessed with what the scale says. For me, it's as routine as brushing my teeth, but for others, it can be a source of panic and stress. If you're one of those people, I recommend weighing yourself once per week, or even once every two weeks since some people don't see a change every week and can get depressed.

Most people I know pick a day mid-week since they tend to eat more on weekends. I actually eat less on weekends, but I use Wednesday as my official weigh-in day since that's when I have my monthly doctor appointments. It's also the weigh-in day for my Thanksgiving Goal group on MFP. My Thintopia group's weigh-in day is Friday, though, so that's another reason I like to keep track throughout the week. I swear it's not as confusing as it sounds!

Additionally, I've created a new "Measurements" page. Measurements are a good way to stay encouraged when the scale isn't moving. It also helps me keep track of which size to purchase since it varies, depending on the store.

Speaking of sizes, that's today's NSV. Last November, I had outgrown my size 26 jeans from Avenue, so I ordered a size 28. When they came, I couldn't get them over my hips. Once I did, they were a good four inches from buttoning. I had a meltdown. I did not want to order a size 30. I had never, ever been that big, and I refused to believe I was in "special sizes". To make matters worse, Brent got an email from his sister while I was struggling with the jeans, asking what size I wore because she wanted to get me a hoodie for Christmas. I said, "4X," knowing damn well it would probably be too small, but I could barely get myself to say anything with an X at the end as it was. When he sent the email back, I was standing near him, and I saw him type, "She said 4X. I'm pretty sure that's correct. Make sure it's big." I wanted to die.

Fast forward to this week: my Lane Bryant jeans have gotten too big, and I hate their new jeans, so I decided to try Avenue again. I ordered a size 24 and crossed my fingers.

I got them in the mail yesterday, and they fit! They fit perfectly! I'm wearing them at work right now, and they're neither too tight nor too big.

Additionally, that 4X hoodie I got for Christmas last year WAS too small. I managed to wear it that winter with a bit of stretching magic, but it was still a little tight through the belly and thighs. I love that hoodie because it's so soft and comfortable, so I was excited to wear it again last week when the weather got cold at night. I put it on, straight from the dryer, with no stretching, and it was almost too big! The band at the bottom doesn't even touch my thighs, and it's comfortable in the belly. It's starting to get that "I borrowed my boyfriend's clothes" look. When she asked Brent what size hoodie to buy me this year, I said, "3X," knowing it will fit.

I'm kind of kicking myself for getting rid of all of my 3X shirts. I had a LOT since I was in that size for so many years. Even though they were starting to show signs of age, at least it would have been something to wear. I only have a few 3X tops now, so I need to drop some money on new shirts and sweaters for the next few months. At least it'll be about six months before I'm in a 2X, so it's not so bad.

(I can't believe I'm borderline complaining about having to buy smaller clothes... ha!)

Weigh-In

Image courtesy of Ampersand Seven
Today is my official weekly weigh-in. I'm pleased to say the scale read 320.6! That's a 2.4-pound loss since last week.

If I can keep this up for just a few more weeks, I'll definitely hit my Thanksgiving goal. I have to lose 2.05 pounds per week to get there, so it would be nice to skew that average a bit and give myself a little wiggle room for those inevitable weeks where I might only lose one pound (or nothing).

Edited (9/13): Someone pointed out that this means I've lost 10% of my body weight. Whoa! :)

Part of me is thinking I should change the name of my blog. I love the title and tag line because it's such a great play off "The Hunger Games" and the famous phrase from the book ("May the odds be ever in your favor"), but "The Hunger Pangs" gives a false impression of weight loss. If you're hungry, you're doing it wrong. Weight loss isn't about depriving yourself; it's about learning to incorporate the foods you love, eating those foods in moderation, and making better/smarter choices as often as possible. A lot of people think weight loss is going to be difficult because they'll have to eat nothing but egg whites and celery, consume no more than 1200 calories per day, and exercise for an hour every day. That could not be further from the truth, and I hate to think people looking for weight loss inspiration will find my blog and see that discouraging title.

I will probably change it to "Drawn to Scale", the URL I use. It satisfies my need for a play on words and doesn't create a false impression of weight loss.

35 Pounds!

I know my official weigh-in is tomorrow, but I hit 35 pounds lost this morning and wanted to give myself the badge. ;) I weigh 321.4 pounds.

The current issue I'm struggling with is this: do I share on Facebook? I posted when I lost 25 pounds (August 8th), so I don't want to come across as an attention whore; however, that was a month ago, so maybe it wouldn't be AW-ish?

I have a friend who lost a bunch of weight recently, and she posted at 25 and 50. I wouldn't have minded if she'd posted at 35, 40, or whatever, though.

Someone told me I should stop mentioning it and let people notice or wait until I've hit "a really big number, like 60 pounds lost, something awesome like that". I told them 25, 35, and so on is something big to be proud of, especially since they and many other people in my life have always lectured me about my weight, even when I was 165 pounds.

(Yes, I made it a point to say that when I'm back to that weight, I will flip out on anyone who lectures me because I spent all that time thinking I was fat and hiding myself in photos, when in reality, I looked really good.)

Anyway.

Post or not?

I think I'll post. If people don't like it, they can hide me from their feed.

NSV & Pictures

It was really cold this morning, so I wore a hoodie to work. Mistake. It was 77 by lunch time.

I went out to cash a check and almost died. Since my bank is in the same strip as Catherine's, I decided to bop in there and grab a new shirt I could change into.

Hypothesis: Perhaps I can wear a 3X from regular stores now? I weighed in at 322.4 this morning, and I was just under that the last time my 3X shirts fit, so... maybe?

Result: YES

Finally, I can go clothes shopping with friends again. We'll still have to go to plus-size stores for me, but at least I can go to stores again. I hated ordering clothes online. Not only does the shipping suck, but the two stores I ordered from have sent me the wrong color 50% of the time (no exaggeration there), and I hate paying for shipping without knowing how something will look.

Anyway, when I tried the shirt on and grabbed a pair of pants in a smaller size, I could finally see how much weight I've lost. I'm still big, so it's subtle, but now I can see what other people see. Listen to Stacy and Clinton when they tell you FIT is very, very important.

I put all of the comparison pictures on the Photos page. Take a gander. :)

Wii Fit w/ HRM

I did the Wii Fit again last night. This time, I wore my HRM.

In 22 minutes, I burned a little over 450 calories! That's accounting for my BMR (what I would burn even if I were just laying in bed).

I did the regular Hula Hoop again and then did the advanced Hula Hoop. That one was much harder because I had to rotate to the right, and then it switched to the left. My left knee was bothering me, so I had to stop halfway through the left rotation. I probably could have finished, but I really don't want to screw up my knee. Given the way I have to stand on the balance board while I rotate, I should probably skip the Hula Hoop until I've lost more weight.

I also did the advanced step a few times. I skipped the basic because it's so slow and easy. I managed to beat my high score, but it still wasn't very challenging. I found the step platform on Amazon last night. I'm going to order it so the step is more of a workout. I really need to tone my thighs. I promise to take it easy if it bothers my knee.

This time, the basic run was much easier. I did so well that it unlocked the longer run. The short run is three minutes, but I'm not ready to do the longer run yet. Maybe in a few weeks. I want to get through the short run without feeling like I'm going to die first. Eventually, I'll be able to do the free run, where you pick an amount of time (I believe the max is 20 minutes).

I realize "running" with the Wii is nothing like running outdoors. For one, I'm not propelling myself forward. I'm mostly running in place, with little bouts of running around the balance board to keep it from getting boring. Secondly, the living room floor is flat hardwood, which is probably easier on my feet than concrete.

It does give me a chance to work on keeping my arms in the right position, though, and it's helping to condition my heart and lungs. I don't know if I'll ever start training for a 5K, but I think it would be fun to do it just once to say I did it. (Plus, it's on my 101/1001 list.)

I'm really looking forward to doing this workout every night. I don't think I've ever said that about scheduled exercise before! :)

Wii Fit

This is not Mii.
After the Wii Fit weighed me under 330 a couple weeks ago, I didn't play because we were on our way somewhere. I can't believe it's been two weeks! Gamer fail. Girlfriend fail too. Brent bought this for me several weeks ago! He understood why I didn't touch it when I was too heavy for it, but now that I'm under the weight limit, I've been feeling bad that I haven't played.

Anyway, Brent went to Chicago for a concert last night, so I had the house to myself for the first time in forever. As soon as I got home from work, I loaded up the Wii Fit. It weighed me 3.75 pounds under the last time. /flex

The first game I played was the basic step aerobics. It was really, really simple. I did it a few times to try and beat my high score.

Then I moved onto the basic Hula Hoop game. That was kind of fun, but I felt really stupid doing the movement. It was a decent workout for my butt and thighs, though.

The next game I played was the basic running game, shown above. Holy cow! I tried to stay on pace as best as I could, and I kept watching the little slider move closer and closer to the end.

This is where game psychology works.

I was tired and didn't want to keep going, but I could see my little Mii moving closer and closer to the finish. I didn't want to "lose" the game or score super low, so I kept running and running and even increased my pace a few times to try to stay even with the pacer. I probably looked like a moron, flailing my arms up and down and running around the living room, but it was a great aerobic workout!

Once I finished that, I moved onto the more advanced aerobic step. That was a lot more fun. It was a little more challenging than the basic step but wasn't hard. It just had a few additional movements, and they speeded up near the end. I did that a few times too. I kind of wished the step was a little higher so I'd get a better workout. Apparently, I'm not alone. Today, I found some listings for a modification you can buy to raise the balance board and get a better workout. I haven't looked at safety ratings or weight limits yet, so I'm not sure if it's feasible.

Every time I finished a workout, it would show how much time I'd spent on it and my calories burned. The Wii uses a formula to calculate the calories, and I doubt they're accurate, so I'm going to wear my HRM next time. It assigns a certain number to each workout, depending on its intensity. This allows you to choose a workout based on how "difficult" it is. Then, it uses that number, your weight, the workout time, and (I think) something else to calculate the calories. Again, I'm not entirely sure it's anywhere near accurate, but the game does state that via a little blurb during the tutorial.

Not my data
The Wii provides you with a graph and summary of your weight change, BMI change, "actual age" change (it determines this using several balance tests along with your weight), time spent working out, and calories burned. I really like this. I'm already tracking my weight and such on MFP, but it's nice to see it on the Wii too. I'll take as many pats on the back as possible. ;)

I was pleased to see my "actual age" has already changed from 46 to 44. Here's hoping I can get it to my real age (35) or lower within the next few weeks.

I'm going to move the Wii into my bedroom tonight. I feel really self-conscious working out in front of Brent, even though I know he loves me and doesn't care about how silly I look. I always get self-conscious when someone is watching me do anything, though, whether it's working out or something more simple, like playing a video game.

I miss some of my old exercise DVDs, but I'll probably stick with the Wii Fit for now since it's low-impact and a LOT of fun. I need to incorporate some actual strength training in there again, though. I can tell I'm getting "flabby" where the inches are coming off. I'll probably do the Wii Fit every day and then do The Firm's "Upper Body" workout every other day since the Wii works my lower body. Building muscle will not only help with shaping those areas, it will also give me more core strength and keep me healthy.

Bottom line: I definitely recommend the Wii Fit (get the Plus for more games) for anyone just starting out, especially if you're over 300 pounds. It's easy on the joints, easy to follow, very encouraging, and it puts a lot of fun into exercising since you're "just playing a game". If you're a gamer, it definitely plays on the psychology of beating your high score and doing things perfectly (it displays a "Perfect!" when you do a move exactly on-time and on-form). If someone else in your house plays, you can try to beat each other's high scores. I have a feeling Brent is going to start working out with me. He cannot stand to have a lower score than someone. ;)

Weigh-In

325.8, a 0.6-pound gain.

I'm not worried at all. With Labor Day weekend in there, I'm just happy I maintained. Hooray for making the right food choices. It was pretty easy since we have some diabetics in my family and half of the dishes were healthy. I ate a lot of veggies and beans and skipped the bun for my hamburger.

Let's hope it's just water weight since I weighed 323 before I left. If so, I'll be back to 323 by Friday. :)

Weigh-In

Image courtesy of Ampersand Seven
Today's weigh-in: 325.2

I will definitely take that 0.8-pound loss, considering I gained three pounds of sodium/water weight over the weekend. I kind of freaked out a little, even though I knew damn well I'd had too much restaurant food and alcohol. It was worth it, though. What's life without some weekend fun? This is a lifestyle change, not a diet, and that means I get to have fun with friends every so often, even if it means gaining three pounds.

Since I knew it was just water weight, I made sure to flush my system with lots of water, green tea, and healthy food over the past couple days. I was hoping to simply break even, so seeing a loss was pretty cool.

I'm still on-track to make my goal of hitting 299.9 (or less) by Thanksgiving. It's twelve weeks away, so that means I have to lose 2.1083 pounds every week between now and then. It's totally do-able if I keep drinking tons of water and increase my exercise a bit. I won't be super upset if I don't hit it, but MAN that would be exciting.

We're going to Albuquerque for Thanksgiving, so even if I can just get under 314, that'll be the lightest anyone there has seen me, including Brent. I'd be perfectly happy with 310 or 305, but being under 300 would make me ecstatic.

I'm also interested to see how different the train feels. As I said, the last time we took the train to Albuquerque, I weighed 356 pounds. The stairway between the upper and lower level of the train is a spiral, and my hips were rubbing the walls on both sides. It wasn't tight, but I could feel them touching both walls. Also, the restrooms are very tiny, and I just barely fit on the seat (my hips were squished between the walls around the toilet). Furthermore, the dining car booths were a very tight squeeze. My stomach was pushed in quite a bit, and I almost pulled the tablecloth and place settings off the table when I tried to get out.

So, for this trip, I'm excited to see if there's any change. I'm hoping that my hips won't touch the staircase walls, the restroom will be more comfortable, and the dining car booths won't be quite so tight.

Right now, my measurements are almost identical to my measurements from September 2010, one month after I took the train to Albuquerque for the first time. I took my measurements on a whim because I was going to try to lose enough weight to fly to Albuquerque for Thanksgiving. Yeah, it totally didn't happen, and that meant I had to wait until January to see Brent since I couldn't afford two seats. I actually gained weight that fall thanks to stress over not seeing him for six months, mourning my cats (one had to be put to sleep, the other got out a window), and training for my current work position. I spent night after night eating my emotions while watching TV shows on Netflix and Hulu.

August 22, 2010 - Raton, NM - 325 pounds
Anyway, on that trip, I don't remember brushing the staircase walls, the restroom wasn't quite so bad, and the dining car was still tight but not nightmarish. So we'll see. :) My weight comes off my hips last, so this will be a true challenge.

Wii Fit

You guys! It finally accepted me!

Remember when I wrote earlier today that I hit my "325" mini-goal and that I'd try the Wii Fit again, but it would probably reject me like it has every day since I got under 330?

Nope!

I passed the weight test, and it actually reported my weight as 325.5, even though I was 325.4 by my scale this morning (before eating tacos for lunch and two of those delicious Fiber One bars as snacks). I was pretty amazed that it didn't weigh me higher. I thought I'd made it by the skin of my teeth at 329.6 or something, but it was almost five full pounds under the weight limit.

Anyway, yay!!! Now I can play fitness games. :-D

Onto the next mini-goal!

Mini-Goal Achieved & Two NSVs

I reached my second mini-goal today. I weighed in at 325.4. The weight limit for the Wii Fit is 330, but since I weigh more at the end of the day, I wanted to wait until I was 325 before trying it again. I tried it when I hit 327 last week, and it laughed at me. We'll see how it goes tonight. :)

I'm not going to be too upset if it doesn't let me play. For one, I'm always 2-3 pounds heavier after work, and my clothes weigh 2-3 pounds. The main thing is that I'm officially under the weight limit and at my second mini-goal, so I'm happy. If I can't use it tonight, it's only a matter of a couple weeks until I can.

My next mini-goal is to reach 314, my weight when I flew to Albuquerque to meet Brent for the first time.

-=-

I had two NSVs today.

1) I pulled on my burgundy t-shirt, which I haven't worn in a couple months, and I didn't have to stretch it out. It went right over my hips and butt without being tight. It fits like a normal t-shirt now.

2) After I had my t-shirt on and started leaving for work, I noticed something felt really weird, like I forgot to get dressed or something. I was dressed, obviously, but something just felt "off". Then I realized what it was: my arms don't rub against my chest anymore!

What I was feeling was the space between my arms and my ribcage when my arms are at my side. I've lost about 3.5 inches off my chest and an inch off my upper arms, but I didn't really feel the difference until this morning. I'd forgotten what it's like to have a curve along my ribcage instead of having my arms resting against my bra strap. That's why I felt like I wasn't wearing a top or bra! Ha!

Speaking of bra, not only is it on its tightest hooks, the cups have gotten big to the point of hilarity. Grrrr. I'm okay with the strap getting loose, but not the cups. ;) I'm going to have to suck it up and go plunk down some money for bras this weekend. I'm happy about going down a band size, but I'm not happy about spending money on new bras. Why the frick do they always have to be so expensive?

Weigh-in and Blood Work Results

I am completely overwhelmed with emotion right now, so bear with me.

First of all, my weigh-in was 326.0. I'm down exactly 30 pounds from where I started. Yay!

-=-

My doctor reviewed my blood work with me today. As he suspected, I have insulin resistance. It is a genetic disorder and cannot be cured. (It can be treated, though, which I'll get to in a minute.)

Basically, when you eat, your pancreas goes, "Oh, hey. Glucose. I'll send out some insulin to bond with it." Then the glucose gets turned into energy, and your pancreas waits for the next meal.

When you have insulin resistance, your pancreas goes, "Oh, hey. Glucose. I'll send out some insulin to bond with it." The glucose, however, goes, "Um, no. I don't think so. Go hit on someone else." So the insulin hangs out, not knowing what to do. Meanwhile, your pancreas is all, "WTF? Why is the glucose still around?" and sends out MORE insulin. This cycle continues until the glucose finally says, "Oooohhhh... pretty liver. I'll go hang out there." The glucose goes into the liver and turns into fat instead of getting used up as energy.

This is why, for my entire life, no matter how healthy I've eaten, my weight has gone up and up and up, sometimes at an alarming rate.

So all of that insulin that didn't get used? It just keeps hanging out and ends up causing constant hunger. This explains why I'd be starving an hour after eating a huge meal and felt a need to snack all the time. That was clue #1 that something was Very Wrong with my body.

Anyway, when I had my blood tests two weeks ago, I was supposed to fast for 12 hours. I ended up fasting for about 16 by the time they did the tests. Despite having no food in my body for 16 hours, my insulin was higher than the normal range for post-meal readings. Once I did eat, I went back two hours later, and it was 63, nearly three times the high end of normal.

My doctor put me on glucophage (a.k.a. Metformin) to control my insulin and make it do what it's supposed to do. I've been watching my carbs - not low-carb like Atkins, just smart amounts - and it's obviously helping quite a bit. I try to keep my carbs under 100 per day, and when I do eat carbs, I aim for whole grains and try to stay away from starches. (I do love me some potatoes, though.) I've never cared for sweets, so staying away from sugar hasn't been an issue at all.

He's had me on phentermine for the past four weeks to try to get everything under control while we waited for the blood work. I've lost 15 pounds in the past few weeks, even though my calories/exercise didn't change. Before that, it took me nine months to lose the first 15 pounds, and that involved lots of yo-yo-ing and plateaus. Now that we know what's up, he can take me off the phentermine and switch me over to glucophage. The phentermine was just a temporary fix until we could figure out what the real fix needed to be, sort of like that brace the EMTs use to stabilize a broken arm until the hospital can put the real cast on.

The reason I'm so emotional right now is because I mentioned all of these symptoms to my doctor when I was 19. He diagnosed me with PCOS, put me on birth control, and sent me on my way. He didn't explain it. He didn't do blood work. He just told me to take the Pill and go on a diet. Obviously, that didn't work. My doctor was pretty upset. He said putting me on the Pill was the worst thing that doctor could have done and that not doing bloodwork was completely irresponsible.

I just sat there crying because the past 16 years could have been avoided: all of the shame, the lectures, the judgmental looks from strangers, not being able to take a vacation because I can't afford two seats on a plane, not being able to go to Cedar Point with my friends every summer, not being able to go to sporting events and concerts because the seats are too small, watching my friends get hit on while those same guys ignored me, not being able to go on a zip-line and other adventurous things.

I spent all of my twenties and half of my thirties being miserable, even suicidal at points, because nobody took me seriously or thought to run a blood test until four weeks ago. My doctor looked at me, held my hands, and said, "It's not your fault. You KNOW what you're doing and how to eat. It's your BODY that doesn't know what to do. This isn't your fault." Every other doctor shamed me and made me feel like crap about my weight. This doctor has faith in me and saw past the weight and into the person inside. Instead of seeing me as the symptom, he saw my weight as the symptom.

Part of me is relieved, and part of me is mourning all of those wasted days spent watching life pass me by because I was too fat to participate. So, I sit here and cry tears of grief for my past and tears of happiness and hope for the future.

iPhone

I am very excited.

As a reward for my weight loss and overall awesome-ness, Brent bought me my very first iPhone. I've had this dinosaur phone that takes crappy pictures and doesn't have a touchscreen, apps, or any other cool stuff (I can't even browse the web) for years. iPhones were always out of reach, and when my Sprint contract was up for renewal two years ago, I still couldn't afford one, even at the discounted price.

This year, however, I got a $150 discount for renewing, and they had a $350 online markdown on the iPhone 4S (16GB). 16GB is more than I'll ever need, so I was super happy. The grand total was only $149! I'm so freaking impatient to get this thing. UPS has it on the truck right now. I already have a huge list of apps to download. ;)

I'm all about instant everything, so it will be nice to be able to take a picture from the train on the way to Albuquerque, upload it to Facebook, and say, "Good morning from Colorado!" or, "Having dinner in Missouri - look at this gorgeous steak!" It will also come in handy whenever I see something that absolutely must be shared with my best friends, like the kid with a mullet driving a John Deere tractor toy the other day.

Brent also has a dinosaur flip-phone, so he decided to buy himself a smartphone while he was getting mine. He can't stand Apple, so he got a Samsung Galaxy (whatever the new model is).

-=-

I have my follow-up doctor appointment on Wednesday. He hasn't seen me in four weeks, so I'm excited for him to see how much weight I've lost. I was 342.4 pounds at the last visit, and I weighed in at 327.4 this morning. That's fifteen pounds on the nose!

We're going to review my blood work as well, and I'm a mix of excited and anxious to see the results. I know that no matter what the news about my cholesterol and all that jazz, everything can be treated with diet, exercise, and medication. I'm really hoping to avoid diabetes, though. I had an A1C done a little over a year ago, and it was perfectly normal, but things may have changed over the past year. I suppose we'll see in a couple of days.

Weigh-in

Image courtesy of Ampersand Seven
Today's weigh-in is 328.4, a 2.2-pound loss for the week.

Woot.

Major NSV

I have some black ankle boots I haven't been able to put on (as in, my foot wouldn't even go into them) in about a year and a half, possibly longer. I've always been super bummed about it because I LOVE these boots. They look sort of Victorian, with the buttons and everything. I kept them because I didn't want to give them up and hoped I'd be able to wear them again someday.

Tonight, I not only put them on - they zipped up!

I walked around for a while, and they were totally comfortable. I wasn't squeezed into them or anything. I was completely shocked I got them on at all, let alone felt comfortable in them. :)

Next, I decided to test my black lace-up boots. They're sort of like Doc Martens but a little taller. The last time I wore these was last fall, when I worked at a haunted house. My feet were crammed into them, so much so that the top of my left foot pretty much killed even when I stood still. I could barely lace them up, and when they were laced up, you could see my calf on either side of the tongue because the boot was spread so wide. Looking back on it, it was comical, but I was really upset at the time.

They have a zipper on the side for easy-off, so they were still laced when I grabbed them tonight. I figured I'd see if I could get them on and zip them up without undoing the laces.

Ha! They went on and zipped up without any issues, and they were super loose on me. They practically fell off my foot when I tried to walk. I was going to lace them up so they fit, but then I decided I'd wait until tomorrow so I could get a picture of how big they are now.

I was positive I'd lost weight off my feet, ankles, and lower calves, but it wasn't confirmed until I put those boots on tonight. Yay! Just in time for fall. ;)

A New Decade

Today isn't my official weigh-in, but I was so excited I couldn't wait to post.

I'm finally in the 320s!

I danced between the high 330s and low 340s for so long that even when I hit my first mini-goal last Wednesday (331), it still didn't feel very exciting to me.

Seeing that 329.4 on the scale, though, really made it hit home for me. I felt a huge rush when I saw that number come up. I had to weigh myself three times just to make sure. ;)

I feel like I have more drive and optimism now. It doesn't feel like such a chore anymore because I feel so much healthier. Watching that number come up validated everything I've been feeling for the past few weeks.

Getting into a new decade makes me realize the next one isn't that far away, and every decade achieved means I'm getting smaller and smaller. Talk about a psychological boost. :) I still don't think I'll be under 300 by Thanksgiving (that's Brent's prediction), but I'm going to do everything in my power to try.

101/1001

I've created a new 101/1001 list. I'm going to create a new tab for it, but I wanted to post it here first just in case any of you are looking for ideas.

The title of the list pretty much explains the purpose. You list 101 items you want to complete in the next 1001 days. My deadline is May 10, 2015.

Health:

-Weigh less than 300 pounds
-Weigh less than 250 pounds
-Weigh less than 200 pounds
-Reach my goal weight (156)
-Achieve a healthy BMI (154)
-Fit into the seats at Wrigley Field (comfortably)
-Exercise four times per week for at least six months (0/6)
-Try Zumba
-Run a 5K race
-Sign up for a water aerobics class
-Get braces
-Buy a bike and complete the Kal-Haven Trail
-Unplug for one whole weekend - no cell phone, no internet, no TV, no computer
-Do Jillian Michael's "30-Day Shred"
-Either get a better position or quit my job
-Stop picking at my cuticles
-Go an entire month without fast food (1/31 days)

Chicago:

-Ride every line of the Chicago 'L' from end-to-end (red, orange, yellow, green, blue,
purple, pink, brown)
-Ride the Ferris Wheel on Navy Pier
-Stand on The Ledge at the Sears Tower
-Go on a river boat tour
-Participate in "Trainer for a Day" at Shedd Aquarium
-See a Bears game
-See another play at the Chicago Shakespeare Theatre

Travel & Leisure:

-Go hot-tubbing at Oasis
-Visit a batting cage
-Take Brent to Canada for the first time and try poutine
-Ride the Sandia Peak Tramway
-Go on a road trip (family and Chicago do not count)
-Go on a cruise
-Go to Las Vegas
-Visit five new states (0/5)
-Visit Copper Harbor
-See five attractions featured on RoadsideAmerica.com (0/5)
-Visit a foreign country (not Canada)
-Visit Brent's family in FL
-Swim with dolphins in FL
-Go to Michigan's Adventure
-Take the Empire Builder to Seattle or Portland
-Take the California Zephyr to visit Mikey and Liz in San Francisco
-Spend a night in a luxurious hotel
-Spend a weekend at a B&B
-Visit NYC
-Order a lobster tail at Carlo's Bakery
-Visit New England and see Ben & Jerry's, Stephen King's areas of Maine, and Salem
-Go to Cedar Point
-See Niagara Falls again and ride the Maid of the Mist
-Take a picture near a Hollywood star
-Fly in business/first class
-Purchase a spontaneous airline ticket for a weekend trip
-Get a passport
-Go to six new museums (0/6)

Projects & Creative Stuff:

-Take a picture every time I lose 10 pounds (2/20)
-Send a secret to PostSecret
-Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years
-Watch 26 movies I've never seen starting with each letter of the alphabet (1/26)
-Complete a 365 day photo challenge (0/365)
-Release five books "into the wild" (0/5)
-Write a trip report for every Amtrak trip I've taken
-Prepare 25 recipes from Pinterest (0/25)
-Prepare a living will
-Host a New Year's Eve party
-Watch "Lost" and see what all the fuss was about
-Complete ten jigsaw puzzles (0/10)
-Watch 50 of IMDB’s Top 250 movies that I haven't seen before (0/50)
-Buy a queen-size bed for the guest room
-Buy headboards for both beds
-Research my bio-mom's family tree
-Make a steampunk outfit
-Make three SCA outfits and start going to events again (0/3)
-Send postcards from every trip that doesn't take place in Chicago or Michigan
-Go to 10 new restaurants (0/10)
-Watch AFI's Top 100 movies (29/100)
-Re-read the Harry Potter books
-Have a Harry Potter movie marathon party
-Write down something I'm grateful for every day for 100 days (0/100)
-Take 100 pictures with Brent (0/100)
-Read 75 new books (0/75)
-Buy a goth outfit
-Send Christmas cards with our picture every year (2012, 2013, 2014)
-Organize the photos and music on my laptop
-Redecorate one room to perfection
-Document everything we own (pics/video/list), scan important documents, put it all
on a flash drive, and give it to a friend or family member in case of fire
-Document "a day in my life" with photos
-Blog about each goal as I complete it
-Host a Ladies Night once per season (0/12)
-Walk through a corn maze

Financial:

-Pay off all of my non-student loan debt ($0/9500)
-Establish a $1000 emergency fund
-Achieve a credit score of 650+

Personal Enrichment:

-Finish my Bachelors degree
-Get my first aid/CPR certificate renewed
-Memorize the state capitals (again)

Pampering:

-Have my hair straightened (permanently)
-Get a manicure/pedicure for the first time
-Buy a good camera
-Buy at least one new piece of clothing every month (0/33)
-Buy an iPhone

Giving to Others:

-Donate anything that is too big or hasn't been worn in a year
-Leave a 100% tip four times per year (0/12)
-Donate one gallon of blood (0/8 pints)

First Mini-Goal Achieved!

Yay!

This morning's weigh-in: 330.6 pounds.

My first mini-goal was 331 (25 pounds lost).

I'm so excited! I feel like it took forever to get here. Stupid plateau.

Luckily, the remaining mini-goals are a bit closer together. ;) I like being able to push for an "achievement". That's why I'm so excited to use the Wii (hopefully in a couple weeks), and I love video games that give you achievements every time you do something awesome.

Now I'm off to get my blood work done. Here's hoping my cholesterol, triglycerides, glucose, and so on are all normal. I'm having lunch with Beth afterward since I had to fast for 12 hours before my tests. After we eat, I have to wait two hours and then go back to have my glucose checked again. Easy peasy.

Anyway, fingers crossed for good numbers!

NSV

I was in the shower last night, and as I was shaving my legs, I noticed the bottom of my calves and the area around my ankle looked weird. I turned my leg a few different ways, trying to figure out if it was a shadow or weird lighting. My leg just looked so strange.

Then I realized what was wrong: no more cankles! All of the fat from the base of my calf near my ankles is gone. I can see my ankle bones again, and the area near my foot looks "normal". I can't remember the last time I didn't have cankles. I've been avoiding some of my skirts for a couple of years because I didn't want anything that showed my lower leg and foot.

It's really funny because the rest of me is still so fat, but I don't have "fat girl ankles" anymore. That's why I did a double-take. Those aren't my ankles! They look like my ankles when I was a size 14. It amused me so much I had to show Brent, who just looked sort of confused since I don't think he ever noticed if my ankles were fat or not.

Anyway, I keep looking at them, even though I'm wearing jeans today. My co-workers probably think I'm nuts because I keep lifting my pant leg up a tiny bit to sneak a peek. :)

Unfortunately, my feet are still kind of wide (some of my wide shoes still don't fit), but I'm hoping that will change as I lose weight. I'm still concerned I did permanent damage because I was heavy for so long (as in, I destroyed the tendons and bones and my feet are permanently wide and slightly-flat), but only time will tell. I've always worn a wide, but I didn't start wearing a WW until I was over 300 pounds. Hopefully, I'll be back in an 8W once I get under 300 pounds.

What Am I Missing?

Friends,

I have tried to follow some of you, but when I go to your blog, I can't find the "follow" button like I see on my page and other pages I've followed.

I always check to make sure it's through Blogger (those who aren't just get bookmarked).

Is this a preference or option that can be disabled? Am I simply not looking in the right place? Does Google put a limit on the number of blogs I can follow?

Help me.

Sleep!

It is amazing what a good night's sleep can do for one's mood.

I've suffered from insomnia all week, and it was making me more depressed/crabby than normal. It also made it hard to think rationally.

Last night, Brent and I talked a lot about what I want, career-wise. I was having such a hard time focusing that it just made me more and more upset instead of helping me figure things out.

I really want to go back to school, but I can't make any kind of plan until I find out if I got that new position or not. Brent knows how hard it is when I can't plan ahead, when the next step is unknown because I'm waiting for someone else to make a decision. (You should have seen how crazy I was when he spent a year trying to decide if/when to move here.) Anyway, I described Plan A and Plan B and all of my concerns with both. He didn't have much to add, other than, "We'll just have to wait and see what happens with the new position."

I'm sure that's why I feel so stuck right now. Sleeping helped, though, and my mind feels more clear today. It also helps that I don't have to work. (I cannot even begin to describe how depressed and anxious that job makes me.) I'm already dreading going in tomorrow, but I'm going to try to enjoy the day and push those thoughts aside.

-=-

I lost another .6 pounds between yesterday and today, putting me at 333.4. I've been steadily decreasing every day for the past week and a half instead of the scale going up and down. It's been .6 - .8 pounds lost every day. At that rate, I'm losing about four pounds per week. I hope it keeps up. :)

I know four pounds per week is abnormal, but I'll take it. The longer it lasts, the better. ;) Even if it slows in a few weeks, at least I'll have a head start on my goal to be near 300 by Thanksgiving. It was kind of fun to think that if I keep losing four pounds per week, I'll actually be around 270 at Thanksgiving. I'm not counting on it, though. That's a completely silly pipe dream, but it was fun to dream for a bit. I remember 270, and I remember how much more comfortable and happy I was.

Thanksgiving 2008 - 270 pounds
(That's my sister-in-law, by the way. She was three months pregnant and just starting to show.)

-=-

I haven't written anything of substance in a long time, so I think I'm going to spend the day writing about my Amtrak trips the past couple of years. I have lots and lots of pictures, and I remember how helpful and informative it was to read others' travel blogs when I was doing research for my first long-distance trip on Amtrak. Brent and I don't have any plans today, so I may as well get comfy in my chair. :)

Emotional Roller Coaster

Relax. ;) I'm not going to write an emo post. I've just been having a lot of varying thoughts lately. This could get a little rambly.

First, I get really excited when I see the scale go down. Then I try on my new pants and realize they don't fit yet. Then I look in the mirror to see if I can spot any subtle changes. 22 pounds should show something, yes?

Then I realize, at my size, it's going to take more than a few pounds to feel/see a difference. Even if I measure the usual areas, I could be losing it from random areas that don't get measured (face, shoulders, around my knee, etc). Weight loss is an all-over thing, so I won't necessarily see it in 1-2 areas. It's like ice cream melting. So okay, that's cool.

Then I get really proud of what I'm doing and super excited that, someday, I won't feel/look like such a blob. I think about how much I'll have lost by Christmas, or next spring, or next summer.

Then, I get sad that, even though I've lost over twenty pounds, I'm still FREAKING HUGE.

So you see what I mean about being a roller coaster. ;) I want to stand up and say, "Yay! I've lost 22 pounds! Boo-ya!" But then I think, "I'm 334 pounds. That's not exactly something to celebrate." Sure, it isn't 356, but oh my god... so far to go. I'm 10% to my goal, which is great, but it's also intimidating.

That's why I have the mini-goals. I'm three pounds away from my first one. So close! Push push push! Then again, my brain tries to trip me up and say, "Yeah, but you'll still be over 300 pounds, fatty."

Ugh! So frustrating! I need to find a way to turn that voice off. I'm not going to give up, give in, quit, or say this isn't worth it. Not at all. So I'm not worried about the voice taking over. I just need it to STFU and leave me alone.

-=-

This brings me to a discussion I had with Brent last night. We were talking about our trip to Albuquerque for Thanksgiving, and I realized that if I keep this up, I could be down to about 306 when we leave for our trip... maybe even 300 if I'm really, really disciplined.

The first time I flew to Albuquerque to meet Brent, I weighed 314 pounds. I had just had a doctor appointment, and I was freaking out because I had no idea I was over 300 pounds. I hadn't weighed myself in about a year. I almost canceled my trip because I was scared I wouldn't fit in the airplane seat; also, I was afraid Brent would think I was super-fat (which was dumb since he'd already seen my pictures).

Anyway, we were talking about that, and I said, "Whoa. If I'm 306, or even just under 314, that will be the thinnest you've ever seen me. And once I can get to 299... wow, you've never known me at sub-300 pounds. Holy crap." He nodded and smiled in that encouraging way he has and then said, "See? You're pretty close. Just keep doing what you're doing and stop worrying. You can do it."

It would be awesome if I could be under 314 the next time we go to Albuquerque. When we were there for Christmas last year, I weighed 356 pounds. I'm not sure if anyone would notice a 42-ish pound difference, but I would definitely notice and feel a lot better.

Even though I felt fat when I was 300-314, I never felt disgusting like I do now. It's almost like there was this threshold around 320 where my arms started to get so puffy I couldn't rest them at my sides, my belly started to stick out, and my feet got too fat for wide shoes. I'd like to get back to 300-ish because, while I was quite fat, it was more of a "normal fat", if that makes sense. I wasn't afraid of chairs because it was very rare I couldn't fit in one. Even the airplane seats, while tight, weren't impossible. Shirt sleeves weren't tight. And so on.

So yes, right now, I feel like I'm in this weird purgatory. I'm not as heavy as I was (yay!), but I'm still 20 pounds from where I was at least relatively comfortable (boo). Sometimes I get really scared I won't reach that. The last plateau was only eight weeks, but it was eight weeks of pure hell on my nerves. Now that the weight is dropping again, I'm so scared it's going to come to a stop before I can at least get back to 300 or 314.

New Name & URL

I've updated my URL, blog name, and blog style. It was time for a change. This is much more fitting.

I didn't like "2012: A Weight Odyssey" because this journey is going to take longer than a year. It's a lifestyle change, and this blog has become a place to talk about life as well as weight loss. Weight loss isn't my life; it's part of my life.

Weigh-in

335.4, to be exact.

I am SO CLOSE to my first mini-goal!

Four more pounds (okay, 4.4), and I'll be at 331, which is 25 pounds lost. Hopefully, I can hit that in the next couple of weeks. I'd really like to get under 330 so I can use my Wii as soon as possible. ;)

Post-Interview

I think my interview went well. It's hard to tell (I'm my own worst critic), and I won't hear for a few days or more.

My current boss sat on two of my interview panels in the past. The first was when I applied for my current position (and didn't get it). Then, she was on the panel the second time I applied for it (and got it). Both times, she approached me afterward to compliment me and say I rock at interviewing. I think it's funny she's my boss now. We were both happy when we saw we'd be working together. :)

Anyway, she wasn't at her desk before my interview, so I approached her afterward and told her all about it. I told her what I said in response to the, "Tell us a little bit about yourself," question that everyone dreads, and she said it was the best response she'd ever heard! She asked how I came up with it, and I told her I'd been researching tips before my interview. She even asked for the links so she could help coach others. I was pretty happy after hearing how excited she was. Even if I botched this interview, at least I know I have a strong opening for the next one.

I'm mostly worried because I wasn't feeling well, so I'm not sure if my energy and personality came through. Additionally, I was really warm, and my mouth was super dry, so I was concerned about my appearance (Do I look flushed and sweaty? Is my hair frizzy?) and the dryness in my mouth affected my speech and tone. I was more soft-spoken than usual, which is probably fine since I can be kind of loud. ;) Still. That really bothered me. Even my boss asked, "Did you bring your passion and energy," and I was all, "Yeah... not so much. I was dying to drink a gallon of water and put on a tank top."

-=-

In other news, my weight is dropping pretty steadily again. Freaking finally. When I went to the doctor last Wednesday, I weighed 342.4. Today, I weighed in at 336.4. Holy crap. Six pounds in a week? Brent said it was probably just a matter of time, breaking the plateau with a whoosh, etc. We'll see if I can keep that for my official weigh-in on Friday. I've been really bad about posting Friday weigh-ins the past few weeks or so, but it's because my weight wasn't changing. I was dancing between 340 and 342 for a loooooooong time.

I'm not entirely sure if this was a water weight drop or not, so I'm really interested to see what my weight is next week. I have been super good about my calories, the type of food I eat, and drinking water, so maybe I really have pushed my body back into gear again. I was so lazy during June and July because of the heat. Now it's time to get serious again. If the scale is correct, then I'll be able to use my Wii Fit (in the air conditioning!) in just a few weeks. :)

Interview

I have an interview for a different/better position tomorrow (technically today), and I'm terrified. I usually rock interviews, but this one is so important to me that I'm kind of freaking out. I've been studying the sample questions all night, trying to come up with answers that sound awesome yet unrehearsed.

I'm pretty concerned about my appearance, even though that shouldn't be a factor. I weighed around 290 pounds when I got the job at this company, and I weighed about 320 when I got the promotion to my current position. I'm mostly nervous because I couldn't find a black blazer in my size on short notice, so I'm worried I won't be dressed-up enough. (Again, this is a silly concern; I wore a red blouse and black pants when I interviewed for my current position.)

My company offers really good benefits, and I liked my previous position, so it's really just a matter of this being a horrible fit. My boss thinks the new position would be perfect for me, and it's a LOT less stress. (I've heard that from multiple people in that department.) If I don't get it, I'll just keep applying for other positions as they come up. There are a few other departments that interest me, so all hope is not lost.

I'm still worried, though. I freaking HATE interviews. It's the eye contact that does me in. I never make eye contact with anybody, ever, so it's really hard for me to hold eye contact with someone AND come up with a witty/professional/informative/creative answer to a question.

Thoughts and prayers, please? :)

Zoo

Yesterday was Beth's birthday, so we met up with Beth, her husband Tony, her brother Pat, Pat's girlfriend Brittany, and Beth's parents (Debbie and Bob) at 12:00 to do birthday stuff. I had no idea what the plan was for the day, so I just wore a regular shirt, jeans, and flip-flops.

We started off with lunch at Jaspare's Pizza. Then Beth asked if everyone was ready to go to the zoo. I was thrilled about going to the zoo, but I was wearing a slightly heavy shirt and flip-flops. Oops! I figured I'd be okay, though. My flip-flops are really comfortable and squishy.

As soon as we got there, of course, I remembered I had my walking shoes in my car, which meant I could have switched my shoes before we got into Pat and Brittany's car. Oops again!

Everyone in the world was at the zoo that day. It was the first nice Saturday of the summer, about 80 degrees instead of 100 like it's been lately. We had to park a half-mile from the entrance, and then every exhibit was super crowded and packed with screaming kids. The animals were cool, though, and I had a really good time socializing with everyone, but Brent was at his wit's end. He hates crowds, especially when it's a crowd of screaming children. I tried to give him lots of space, especially because if he's in a crappy mood, I start to feel crappy. I didn't want to feel crappy; I wanted to have fun! :) I don't say that to be insensitive; he knows his mood wears off on me, so I think he was giving me space too. He and Tony pretty much hung out together all day talking about computer stuff.

I didn't have my camera with me since I had no idea we were going to the zoo, so we didn't get any pictures of us together like I was hoping. Beth took some pictures of us looking at animals, though.

I'm to the left of Bob (in the yellow shirt). I uploaded this one because it shows off Brent's hair. ;)

Looking at prairie dogs

For $1/leaf, you can buy big pieces of lettuce and feed the giraffes.
It's a really great zoo. A lot of the environments are as natural as they can make them, and there isn't any concrete. All of the paths are dirt/fine gravel with lots of rocks, twigs, and terrain. There's a lot of wild forest growth and a minimum of fences, just enough to keep everyone safe. It's really beautiful.

It's a good two to three-mile walk with hills and such, and it felt good to get exercise. A lot of the animals were hiding because of the heat and noise, but we got to see about 75% of them. Beth said we should go back in the fall when it's cooler and not so crowded (and I'm wearing better shoes). I'm definitely up for that. :) I had some pretty bad blisters from my flip-flops, so walking hurt near the end, but they were much more supportive than I thought they would be. Standing around didn't bother me at all. Usually, my feet are killing me after a half-hour or so.

After the zoo, we decided to take some time to go home, wash up, and cool down before dinner. Brent decided to stay home since he was still stressed from all the people and kids, so I got ready for dinner and met everyone over at Martell's. It's this really nice restaurant in a yuppie apartment/condo community, set back in a pretty wooded area with a pond and stuff. The food was delicious; I'm definitely going to take Brent there for special date nights.

It was only 9:30 when we finished dinner, so we went back to Beth's to hang out and play Trivial Pursuit. We played guys against girls, and the girls won! I got home around 2:00 and passed out almost immediately. I'd had a Grasshopper (delicious alcoholic drink) with dinner plus two allergy pills (Beth and Tony have a cat and a big, yellow lab). Brent was watching a movie in bed. I barely remember talking to him before I passed out. I'm never able to fall asleep with the TV on, but I was DEAD.

All in all, it was a great day with fabulous company and delicious food. :)

Oreo Cake

I decided to make this Oreo cake for a birthday party at work tomorrow. Since Brent was so sweet to buy me a present, I made another one just for him. :)

The recipe is:

One package (2-layer size) Devil's Food cake mix
4 squares Baker's semi-sweet chocolate
1/4 cup butter
1 pkg (8 oz) cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup sugar
2 cups thawed Cool Whip - make sure to thaw it in the fridge, not on the counter
12 Oreo cookies, coarsely crushed

Bake the cakes in two 9-inch round pans according to the box directions.

Using a mixer, combine the cream cheese and sugar on low until relatively blended. Gradually add the Cool Whip and Oreos.

Once the cakes are cool, place one cake on a plate and spread the Oreo mixture on top, making sure to spread it evenly and get it relatively level.

Place the second cake on top.

Combine the Baker's chocolate and butter in a small bowl and microwave on high for two minutes. Stir the chocolate and butter until the chocolate is melted and let cool for five minutes. Once it is no longer runny, spread it slowly and evenly over the top of the cake.

Tips:

This recipe makes twice as much filling as you need. I used half and then saved half to make the other cake. The filling is super yummy, though, so you may want to use all of it. Just keep in mind that's going to make a BIG piece of cake. ;)

It was 97 degrees in my kitchen tonight. I had to put the glaze in the fridge for a bit, and even then it started running a bit as soon as I took it out (you can see the drips in the picture). If your kitchen is warm, you may want to put the cake in the fridge for a while before making the glaze. Then, the coolness of the cake will help "set" the glaze. I had to make a mad dash for my fridge since my cake was room temperature.

Let it sit in the fridge for a few hours before serving. It's best to make it the night before and let it sit in the fridge for 24 hours. The middle is like a whipped cheesecake, so treat the cake as a cheesecake and give it time to set.

Nutritional Info: This cake is designed to be cut into 16 pieces. One piece has 417 calories. If you cut the filling in half, it goes down to around 350 calories.

Recipe Credit: Kraftrecipes.com

Doctor Appt

I went to the doctor today because it has been a Really Long Time. I wanted to set up some blood tests and have him analyze me for PCOS. I never had hormonal tests done, and this plateau and gaining weight even while eating at maintenance (back in the day, I mean) has me irked.

He's a new doctor to me but came highly recommended by a couple friends. He was SO NICE. He commended my meals and said I have the nutrition down-pat. He asked what kind of exercises I do. He asked about how/when I get hungry and what I crave. He asked eleventy billion questions instead of saying, "So, what are we going to do about your weight?"

It was like ten tons came off my back.

Additionally, when he measured my height, I discovered I've gotten shorter by about 1.5". Ha! The last time I had a doctor measure my height, I was 23-years old. He said it's common to shrink over time. I was pretty excited because I really want to grow old and be just like Sophia.

Coincidentally, today would have been Estelle Getty's birthday
Anyway, he printed out a lab request for more tests than I ever thought possible. It's two pages! In addition to checking every single hormone level, my cholesterol, and my triglycerides, he's also having my thyroid checked, iron checked, and fasting glucose done. He told me to just fast for 12 hours, go in, have the bloodwork done, and then go have some food. He gave me a separate sheet to bring back two hours later, asking them to check my glucose again. He said it's a way to trick them and check for insulin resistance; otherwise, if he orders a standard glucose tolerance test, they'll keep me hostage there and have me chug that horrible sugar-syrup drink. Blecch. He told me to just go to IHOP or some other place and "eat like [I'm] on vacation". :) Told you he rocks.

I cannot express just how kind and awesome he was. I was so happy I wanted to cry. He treated me like someone who can overcome this and succeed, as long as we can get over whatever hurdles the PCOS may be causing. He didn't treat me like "just another obese patient", which is how I've felt since I was 23.

Additionally, my resting heart rate has come way down, and my blood pressure was just slightly below normal. I've never, ever had blood pressure that low. It's usually borderline hypertensive! I was so excited.

When I got home, I emailed Brent to let him know how everything went, and I told him I want to get a Wii and buy the Wii Fit. I meant in a few months, when I lose enough to use the balance board (I'm too heavy by about 12 pounds). When he got home from work, though, he had a present for me. It was a Wii and the Wii Fit!!! I was so excited.

I felt bad, though, because he wanted me to try it out, and I had to explain I was over the weight limit. Then he said, "No, it's 330 pounds. You're fine," and then I had to explain that, no, his girlfriend weighs more than 330 pounds. To his credit, he didn't react. He just said, "Oh, well then you can use it in a couple months. You can still have fun and play regular video games on it, though." I said I'd play Sims and Mario Kart and stuff and then told him I can get EA Active, since that doesn't use a balance board.

As soon as I said that, he changed out of his pajamas and back into regular clothes. I asked where he was going, and he said, "I'm going to Game Stop before they close. I want you to have your new toy tonight, not this weekend." Awwww. *love*

As a thank you gift, I made him a new dessert, but I'm going to put that in a separate entry to keep the recipe entry separate from a regular blog entry.

Wrigley Field

My parents came to visit over the weekend, and we took my dad to Wrigley Field on Saturday. He'd never been there before, and it had always been on his bucket list.

I wish I had a picture of his face when we walked in. He was like a kid at Disney World. We walked all over the concourse and all around the seats so he could see the field from every angle. We got free hats when we came in, and he got a "First Timer's Certificate" from Fan Services. He got an Old Style and a Chicago Dog. We rode the shuttle bus from DeVry, so he even got to experience a bit of the CTA. After we had dinner with my friend, Stacy, up on the far north side, we drove south on LakeShore Drive so he could get a great view of the city before we left.

He kept saying, "Best. Birthday Gift. Ever."

I'm so happy we could give this to him. :)

I was a little worried about the seats, as usual, especially since I haven't lost any weight the past several weeks. I've lost inches but not weight, so I was interested to see how it all worked out. I'm not as heavy as I was the last time we went (when I had a crying fit because I couldn't even sit on the edge of the seat, forcing us to stand at the back of the section), but I'm not as small as I was the first time we went. The jersey I'm wearing didn't fit a few months ago (too tight in the arms/back), but it was comfortable on Saturday morning. That gave me hope.

As soon as we got there, I sat on the edge of the seat and realized I had more room. My dad was right next to me, though, and since he's a bigger guy, I couldn't really scoot back. Once he got up to get some more beer, I scooted back as far as I could. I wiggled and turned and managed to get myself almost all the way into the seat. The metal bars were digging in, so it wasn't comfortable, but dammit - I was almost in that seat! I was so happy. I showed Brent and Dad that I was really close. The people behind me probably thought I was some nutso fatty, but whatever. I didn't care. I was grinning about it for the rest of the game because I knew that when we go next summer, I might be able to not only fit all the way in but fit comfortably.

I can't wait to go back to Chicago again. While we were there, I felt like I was home. I didn't want to come back to Kalamazoo. I wanted to stay and have fun in the city, maybe see a museum the next day. I told Brent, and he reminded me that Chicago is #1 on the priorities list. It will all depend on how the next year pans out, though. He also reminded me that we'll be back for concerts, a Bears game, and so on, but I was still pretty sad when we were driving south on LakeShore Drive. There was so much more I wanted to show my dad, and we simply didn't have time.

We'll just have to make a list for next year, assuming we don't already live there by then. ;)

Flashback

Guess which child of the 80s just bought tickets to the Duran Duran concert next month?

THIS KID.

I am so excited. I had a huge crush on Simon when I was 12-years old (but not as large as my Billy Idol and David Bowie crushes). I've wanted to see Duran Duran for a long time, but their tour never jived with my schedule, or I'd find out about the tour the week after they came to my area, or whatever.

I read about their tour on Success Along the Weigh and knew I had to go.

They aren't coming to Michigan, but they will be in Highland Park, IL, which is north of Chicago. The concert is on a Wednesday, which just happens to be my day off. :) I won't have to find anyone to cover my shift (score), and I can take a half-day on Thursday since I'll be getting home super late (double score). Additionally, I can take the Metra to Ravinia Park (triple score because I love trains).

Now I just need to take a look at the various train schedules and figure out if I'm going to take the South Shore to Chicago from Indiana or if I'll have to park somewhere in Chicago. Parking won't be an issue since I know a few neighborhoods that don't require permits. ;)

/cue my usual beef that Amtrak doesn't offer a late-night train back to Michigan

~*~

Update on 9/13: Duran Duran had to cancel their Chicago date due to illness and do not plan to reschedule. :(

Sarasota Lemonade

Beth and I had a girls' night last night since her husband was nerding it up with all the nerds in the Nerdery (their basement). We decided to make a new drink recipe I found: "Sarasota Lemonade".

The recipe calls for:

Two 750 ml bottles of Moscato (or one 1.5 liter bottle)
3 cups Sprite
6 ounces pink lemonade concentrate (thawed)
One package raspberries

Pour the wine into a punch bowl. Add the Sprite. Add the lemonade. Take half of the raspberries and mash them up before adding them to the bowl. Mix. Take the other half of the raspberries and put them in the glasses before serving.

Since we were afraid it would be too sweet, we decided to use the entire 12-oz can of pink lemonade and two packages of raspberries. The end result was more tart than sweet, which was perfect. Next time we make it, we're going to use Fresca instead of Sprite. We think the citrus will be more prominent; plus, Fresca is sugar-free.

Also, make sure you chill the wine and Sprite before making this. I bought everything on the way to her place, and it didn't taste quite right until we put a ton of ice cubes in our glass.

I have no idea what the calories per glass are, but it was a nice, refreshing summer treat.

As soon as Jess discovered (via Facebook) that we were drinking wine and watching shows like "Bridezillas" and "Say Yes to the Dress", she came over to help sample the drink and join us in our wine-induced mocking. It was a lot of fun! I haven't done something like that in a long time. Everyone has been so busy lately.

I barely remember the drive home. I wasn't drunk; I was just soooo tiiiired. I got three hours of sleep before work Saturday morning. Then, when I got to Beth's, I took an allergy pill since she has a dog and a cat. So by the time 2:30 AM rolled around, I was pretty sleepy. I debated calling Brent for a ride, but I wasn't so sleepy I couldn't drive, and I was barely buzzed, certainly not enough to impair my driving (and believe me - I'm a stickler for not driving when I'm unsure).

I stopped for gas, and the gas station had a case of Sweetwater's Donuts (they are a local legend, and they were featured on the Food Network a while ago). I don't even like donuts that much, but they just sounded so GOOD. This is probably proof I was too zonked to be out. I ended up buying two donuts and ate both of them on the way home. Ha!

I got home around 3:15, and Brent had left a light on for me. Awwww. It was a good thing since I'm not quite used to the new apartment yet. I ended up playing Sims for a while before going to bed. I have no idea why; I was SO ready to crash. I guess I just thought it was a good idea at the time.

I'm pretty sure I passed out around 4:00 or so. I woke up at 9:15 out of habit and went back to sleep until noon when Brent starting doing his morning routine. I could have slept another few hours, but I hate "wasting" days off.

-=-

It's 83 degrees right now. This is a WONDERFUL break from the 100+ temperatures we've had the past week. We also had a bit of rain and thunder last night; it was the first time it's rained in six weeks, so we were PUMPED. Chicago, Detroit, and northern Michigan have all been getting rain, but it keeps passing over Kalamazoo.

It's so strange to go through June and part of July without any rain, and I've actually been pretty depressed about it. Some people get grumpy during winter, but I tend to get grumpy during summer, especially when we have weeks upon weeks of hot, dry weather like that. I'm definitely one of those spring/fall/thunderstorm-loving girls. If we could move to a maritime climate, like Oregon or Washington, we'd be there in a heartbeat. ;)

NSV

As a P.S. to the earlier entry:

Even though my weight hasn't budged, I had a NSV just a few minutes ago.

While tightening my belt, I realized I was a good inch or so past the last notch I punched into it six weeks ago. :)

Weigh-in & Water Weight

Last week was definitely water weight. ;) I've been weighing in at 341-342 consistently for the past two weeks. I've been good about calories but horrible when it comes to sodium and exercise. The recent heat has made even the slightest movement absolutely unbearable. Even just doing dishes or folding laundry has left me dripping with sweat. Our heat index has been over 100 lately, and the humidity isn't helping. Our A/C can only do so much.

Since I'm maintaining my weight at this caloric level, I'm hoping exercise will kick the weight loss into gear again. Plus, our nice, big kitchen with a normal-size fridge means I can actually cook meals for the week ahead of time and stick them in the fridge/freezer. We still eat out WAY too often, and even though I make healthy choices, it's still too much sodium and such.

I've been at 341-342 for a few weeks, to be honest. I think exercise is the key. I stopped exercising a few weeks ago because we had piles of boxes everywhere and I literally had paths in every room. There was no room to move, let alone do Turbo Jam or The Firm. We could barely squeeze through the doorway to get to our bed. :-P

Additionally, I was walking for a while, but then my left foot gave up the ghost. I could hardly walk for a week, and then I spent two weeks on my feet painting, loading boxes, and moving into the new place. This is the first time in about three weeks that I haven't had foot/ankle pain. It's nice.

Anyway, I'm trying not to feel like a big, fat failure. While it's awesome I've maintained my loss and not fallen off the wagon, I still feel like I could have done more the past few weeks, even though I was hot, sweaty, and sore every day doing all the moving stuff. I'm a little worried that I'm stuck on a plateau, even though last week's water weight loss proves I probably just need to re-examine my nutrition intake, increase my water, and make sure I exercise. I'm trying not to let it get me down.

I keep remembering that I've lost weight in the past, sometimes as much as 60 pounds, and I can do it again. I just have to remember it wasn't always easy, that I did get stuck for weeks at a time, that yes... it will happen... if I'm patient. I think it was easier the past couples times because I didn't really care. It just sort of happened because I was bored and walked every night, or I did SCA dancing which burned a ton of calories every week, stuff like that.

If anything, I am definitely getting in better shape; the stairs in our house that threatened to kill me when we first moved in are much easier to climb now. So there's that. :)

A big positive is that I have my own workout room now, since we have two bedrooms. The bedrooms are quite large, so even with a full-size bed in the spare room, there's still plenty of space for me to workout. I could even fit a treadmill in there if I wanted to save up for one (which I'm definitely considering). For now, though, I'm going to put a small TV and DVD player in there and create an area for storing my free weights and step and so on.

/crossing fingers

I hope that scale starts moving again soon.

5K

Most of the bloggers I read are runners, so it seems natural that it would pique my interest in running. Last night, I had a dream I was running in a 5K, and it felt awesome.

The path went down some streets and then into the woods. Some people from work were there. In fact, the guy who sits in the cubicle next to mine passed me at one point and said, "Good job! Keep going! I'll see you at the finish."

It wasn't easy, like you'd think a dream would be. I was still sweaty, hot, and tired. I had a sense we were halfway through the race, so I'd been running for about 20 minutes. I was going at the same pace I ran in high school, when we ran a mile on Monday, a mile and a half on Wednesday, and two miles on Friday. I had gym class right after lunch, so it was torture. My mile improved from 14:50 to 10:37 during that year - nothing stellar, but I remember being so excited when I ran the entire mile instead of stopping to walk for a bit (that's when I got the 10:37).

Anyway, the 5K ended early for some reason, and everyone was told to stop. I was pretty bummed because I really wanted to finish that race and feel the accomplishment of doing something new and awesome. They decided to reschedule the race, and I started to bug everyone, asking how I could sign up again. Someone told me the race would be on March 3rd, and I remember wondering, "How on earth am I supposed to dress for that? I can't wear a scarf. Maybe I can wear a heavy sweatshirt with something under it."

Then I woke up.

Given that my feet and ankles can hardly handle a serious walking regimen right now (well, at least until I get fit for proper shoes and stop over-pronating), training for a 5K is a ways off. It's definitely on my list, though. I don't think I'll become one of those people who does a 10K, half-marathon, or even a marathon, but who knows. Maybe I'll fall in love with running. I always hated it during high school, but it was after lunch, the popular girls made me feel slow, and I couldn't wear headphones. Maybe, when it's on my own terms, I'll like it. There are times I'm walking and a super powerful awesome song comes on, and it makes me want to run so badly. It would be nice to actually do that once in a while.

Mostly, I'm scared of training in public. Walking is one thing, but watching a 340-pound girl huff and puff as she runs... I'm not sure I want to be that girl. There is a small track at the intermediate school just around the corner. Hardly anybody is there after school hours. The playground isn't used, and the track actually has weeds growing through the tracks. It's also sort of hidden from the road with a fence and some trees. My HRM has a stopwatch feature, so I'd be able to time my splits if I follow the C25K program. Once I get fit for some proper shoes, I might have to see what I'm capable of. I'm not expecting much right now since I'm so heavy - and I'm scared to hurt my knees - but it's worth a shot.